MONDAY, MARCH 3 “If you’re going to force me to be Britney
Spears’ father, then you, my friends, are going to PAY.” This is
not what one would call “an exact quote” from Britney’s pop Jamie
Spears… but surely this is what he was thinking when he requested
$2,500 per week for the job of babysitting his Whac-A-Mole
daughter. According to court documents, hillbilly papa Spears’
conservatorship—in which he’s given full authority over all of
Britney’s business decisions (and many personal ones as well)—has
been extended all the way until July 31. Sheesh! That’s a
long time to be grounded! The courts have ordered Britney’s estate to
pay her pop a whopping $2,500 per week to do what most normal fathers
are forced to do for free, which is to say, “NAG! NAG! NAG! You’re wearing too much make-up!” “NAG! NAG! NAG! You dress like a
whore!” “NAG! NAG! NAG! You married a worthless underachiever, and now
you’re paying the price!” (No, Hubby Kip, we’re not talking
about you.) MEANWHILE… And if Britney doesn’t already have
enough trouble from her naggy dad, she’s also having to deal with a
naggy stalker who’s been sending her scads of
naggy/threatening letters, such as, “NAG! NAG! NAG! I’ve got
a bomb.” “NAG! NAG! NAG! I want to kill everyone in Israel.” And
“NAG! NAG! NAG! Jesus drugs conspiracy aliens Scientology talking bugs
are in my ears.” (We’re thinking Tom Cruise may have sent that
last one.)

TUESDAY, MARCH 4 “Even though my lips resemble a cat’s anus, I have
more experience and therefore you should vote for me.” Once again, not
an exact quote—but we’re sure that’s what Hillary Clinton was thinking when she asked Ohio, Rhode Island, and Texas for
their votes in tonight’s presidential race. And apparently? It worked.
After being left for dead, Clinton came roaring back in the
primaries, picking up a slew of new delegates, while allowing
Barack Obama to maintain only the slightest of leads (1,567 to
Hillary’s 1,462). The far more dreamy, personable, and inspirational
Obama blamed her elevation in the polls to negative attacks,
such as the ad where she wondered whether he was prepared to handle a
crisis if the White House phone rang at 3 am. EXCUSE US? Exactly how
many of these 3 am “crisis calls” has Hillary received? (And no,
messages from Bill saying he’s “gonna be home late again, honey,
sorry” doesn’t count.) The good news is that Oregon is looking
more and more like a decision maker in this upcoming election,
rather than just a state filled with suicide-assisted potheads. If this
is the case, then around May 20 (when we’ll be dropping off our
ballots), be prepared for a weeklong tribute (AKA slobbering political
ad) for the hunkiest candidate to ever make a country swoon, BARACK
OBAMA! (That will also be the night everyone can simultaneously call
Hillary Clinton at 3 am in the morning with a “crisis.” Our crisis will
be “How can Obama be so damn sexy?”)

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 5 “Patrick Swayze can’t die! Patrick Swayze
can’t die!” Again, not an exact quote—but we’re sure that’s what
every single human being on the planet was thinking after reading
today’s salacious National Enquirer headline, “Patrick Swayze
Has Only Five Weeks to Live!” And while Swayze’s doctor has
confirmed that the Dirty Dancing star has indeed been diagnosed
with pancreatic cancer—a particularly devastating and
deadly form of the disease—his prognosis is much better than what
this tabloid so sleazily suggested. “Patrick has a very limited amount
of disease and he appears to be responding well to treatment
thus far,” said Swayze’s physician Dr. George Fisher. “Patrick
is continuing his normal schedule, which includes working on upcoming
projects.” So IN YOUR FACE, National Stupid Enquirer! From all
of us here at One Day at a Time (especially including a heartbroken
Hubby Kip), we wish Mr. Swayze the speediest of recoveries.
Nobody puts YOU in a corner, Patrick! Not even death!

THURSDAY, MARCH 6 “Ka-BOOM!” Okay, that’s not an exact quote,
but since we weren’t there, that’s what we imagine a small bomb said today as it exploded in New York City’s Times Square.
Tremors of fear reverberated through the city as citizens learned of
the pre-dawn detonation, but authorities were quick to point out that
the explosion did not appear to be linked to any terrorist
activity—especially since the small bomb was directed at
Times Square’s US military recruitment station. AND IN A
COMPLETELY UNRELATED STORY… Two small towns in Vermont have
voted to approve a measure that would instruct police to arrest
President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney, for
“crimes against our Constitution.” So if, for example the prez and veep
were to suddenly decide to visit Vermont (maybe for some maple syrup?),
the symbolic measure instructs local law enforcement to “extradite them
to other authorities that may reasonably contend to prosecute
them.” This story is so adorable—and yet, so sad, isn’t
it?

FRIDAY, MARCH 7 So we know this is totes obvs, but it deserves to be
repeated: One Day at a Time is a gossip column, which means it’s
an excellent idea to take everything reported herein with a few grains
of salt. Despite the best efforts of yours truly, gossip is often
riddled with errors, exaggerations, and outright lies. Here’s an
example: An obviously fraudulent website calling itself “marieclaire.co.uk” is currently running
an absolutely ludicrous story suggesting that George Clooney is
engaged! (Ha! As if that would happen! As if George would do that
to us!) The supposed bride? The fantastically hideous (Seriously, is
she deformed or something?) Sarah Larson (who, it should be
noted, has been the subject of several rumors herself: Like how she’s
mentally handicapped, doesn’t believe in the Holocaust, and likes to
strangle puppies and kittens in her spare time). Assuming this
engagement story is true (which it isn’t! It can’t be!), we’re not sure
how this hag tricked our handsome, witty, charming George into getting
hitched. That said, certain individuals might want to pay careful
attention to the following warning: Watch your back, Sarah Larson.
Watch your back.

SATURDAY, MARCH 8 Today President George W. Bush vetoed
Congress’ efforts to limit the torture practices of the Central
Intelligence Agency. The bill would have stopped CIA interrogators from
“waterboarding” suspects—a controversial technique in
which restrained subjects are made to think they’re drowning,
and a tactic that’s come under withering criticism from anybody with a
conscience. In related news, we’re going to take a quick nap. Kip, be a
dear and wake us up when Obama gets sworn in?

SUNDAY, MARCH 9 “A vast array of
pharmaceuticals—including antibiotics,
anti- convulsants, mood stabilizers, and sex
hormones—have been found in the drinking water supplies of at least 41 million Americans,” the Associated Press
reported today. In addition, acetaminophen, ibuprofen, and various
prescription drugs have been found in tap water, having ended up there
when they don’t get absorbed into people’s bodies. (Yep. From that
little orange bottle to somebody’s urine to your glass!) “While
researchers do not yet understand the exact risks from decades
of persistent exposure to random combinations of low levels of
pharmaceuticals,” the AP added, there have been “alarming
effects on human cells and wildlife.” Okay. So. Deep breaths,
everyone. Sure, we can get all upset about governmental negligence or
bemoan Americans’ addictions to pharmaceuticals—but hey, maybe
we’ve stumbled onto something great here! Say, is there a way to
intentionally spike our tap water a bit? Nothing major, mind
you—just a pinch of Ortho Tri-Cyclen here, maybe a smidge
of Prozac there? Maybe, oh, I don’t know, just a hint of gin and
vermouth? Just an idea. Get on it, science.