MONDAY, MARCH 24 Relax, train-wreck lovers! Tonight Britney
Spears made a guest appearance on the CBS sitcom How I Met
Your Mother, and she did not do any of the following:
flash her veej at the live studio audience; erupt into alternating fits
of tears, maniacal laughter, and rage; or bash co-star Neil Patrick
“Doogie Howser” Harris over the head with a golf umbrella. However,
according to most of those who watched the show, she was “okay.” Now “okay” may not mean a lot to you and ourselves, but to Britney,
receiving an “okay” is like getting a gold medal at the Special
Olympics. “Okay” job, Brit! We think you’re almost ready for lace-up
shoes! MEANWHILE… So what happens when Britney is on her best
behavior and her roving band of paparazzi don’t have anything to
photograph? THEY EAT EACH OTHER. Photographer Alison “I’m not a
girl, though I have a girl’s name” Silva is suing the paparazzi
photo agency X17, claiming he was beaten and kicked unconscious outside Britney’s mansion by a gang of the agency’s photogs. Silva
alleges that three X17 snappers approached him saying, “You should not
be here. Only X17 gets these shots,” and proceeded to assault him.
“They kicked and punched me almost to death,” Silva said. “I was beat
up for doing my job. Most people think, ‘Oh, he’s just a paprazzo,
he’s nothing.’ [But] if it weren’t for people like me, those
pictures wouldn’t be in the magazines you enjoy.” Oh, in that case, can
you guys hold him down so we can kick him, too?

TUESDAY, MARCH 25 As you know, Oregon has few celebrities.
Therefore when our state does produce a famous person, we generally
treat them with kid gloves. However, when it comes to Oregon
native/American Idol contestant Kristy Lee Cook?
Honey, the gloves are coming off! For those unfamiliar with this season
of AI, Kristy Lee is a country-fried blonde bombshell who has
slithered her way into the talent competition’s top 10. Why are we
bringing this up? Because it is now up to all Oregonians to… STOP
VOTING FOR KRISTY LEE COOK! Here’s why she should be sent back to
shoveling horse shit on her Selma, Oregon, farm: On tonight’s
particularly horrific episode, Kristy Lee sang a faux-stirring
rendition of the jingoistic Lee Greenwood tune “God Bless the
USA” (sample lyric: “I’m proud to be an American/Where at least I
know I’m free.” Ugh!). This will undoubtedly keep her in the
competition for another month thanks to votes from the beer-swilling
trailer park demographic, who falsely believe that a vote for Kristy is
a vote against Osama bin Laden… and France. SECONDLY, on
Kristy Lee’s American Idol profile page she is asked, “Who is
the person that you would most like to meet,” to which she responds,
“Jesus, James Franco, John Hagee.” We have no problem with the
first two, though George Clooney is clearly a superior choice to
a guy with nails in his palms. Our problem lies with Kristy Lee’s third
choice, the Reverend John Hagee. As you may or may not know, the Rev.
Hagee is a highly paid televangelist who also believes that (a)
America should make a preemptive military strike against Iran,
(b) J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter is contemporary
witchcraft, (c) abortions and homosexuality are immoral,
(d) Catholicism is a “Godless theology of hate,” (e) the Qur’an
contains a “scriptural mandate to kill Christians and Jews,” and
(f) Hurricane Katrina was “the judgment of God against New
Orleans.” We have no idea how he feels about George
Clooney—but if his other views are any indication, they probably
wouldn’t get along. SO LISTEN UP, OREGON! A vote for Kristy Lee
Cook is a vote for those who idolize narrow-minded bigots—and who
wants an American Idol like that?

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 26 BUSTED! Today Democratic presidential nominee
Hillary Clinton backpedaled on previous statements, after being
caught in a bald-faced lie. On at least two occasions, Hillary
has recounted a story in which, during her husband’s administration,
she landed on a Bosnian airfield and had to run in order to avoid
sniper fire. Unfortunately, she was called on the veracity of
her story by the Philadelphia Daily News’ editorial board, who
asked her about video footage of the event which clearly showed
her and daughter Chelsea calmly stopping to gab with Bosnian residents
and accept a poem from a child. “I say a lot of things,” Hillary
said as an example of a lot of things she says. “[I say] millions of
words a day, so if I misspoke, that was just a
misstatement.” YEAH! So give Hillary a break. When she said
“sniper fire” she really meant “adorable eight-year-old girl handing
her a poem.” That’s a misspoken misstatement anyone could make!

THURSDAY, MARCH 27 After 19 years of marriage, the wife of
comedian Robin Williams has filed for divorce. Was she in
a coma for 18 years?

FRIDAY, MARCH 28 Today the dreamiest presidential candidate ever,
Barack Obama, visited those squawking harpies on The
View. Personally, we can think of no truer test for a candidate: If
they’re willing to throw themselves in front of the likes of Joy
Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck, all while pretending
Whoopi Goldberg‘s funny? That’s not just multitasking, that’s
Purple Heart-worthy courage. Anyhoo, apparently our beloved Barack is
distantly related to Brad Pitt—which, come to think of it,
explains quite a bit, and the next time the Pitt-Obamas need a location
for a reunion, they should know that the Romano residence is quite
spacious, with a couple of bedrooms that can easily sleep three. Now,
where were we? Oh, yes: When Barack made a witty aside that Brad had
gotten the better half of the family’s genes, desiccated mummy
Barbara Walters jumped in, telling Barack that she thought
Barack was “very sexy looking.” Okay, first? EWWW. The idea of Babs
thinking anyone is hot, let alone awkwardly telling them that
they’re “very sexy looking? Again: EWWW. Second? Bitch, back the eff
off.

SATURDAY, MARCH 29 OMG, Brangelina totes got
married! (Unless they didn’t.) Gossip hounds worked themselves
into a foaming fervor as word got out that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie
had finally tied the knot today at a “secret wedding ceremony“
in New Orleans. Star tracked down several sources who swore
that… wait. Wait a second. “Upon further investigation, the sources
are not standing by their story,” Star muttered, and
People magazine immediately jumped in, citing a source who
called the rumors “complete and utter bullshit.” Even the New
Zealand Herald (they have newspapers in Middle-earth?) discredited
the claims, calling the rumor “complete and utter cobblers.” (Hubby
Kip says “cobblers” may or may not be an Elvish word. He’s not
sure.) So, alas, it looks like the whole thing was a lie. Maybe. Just
to be on the safe side: Congrats?

SUNDAY, MARCH 30 “Hillary Rodham Clinton‘s
cash-strapped presidential campaign has been putting off paying
hundreds of bills for months,” political website Politico.com reported today, noting that the
Clinton campaign owes tens of thousands of dollars to several
small businesses—and that by refusing to acknowledge the debts,
has earned “a reputation as something of a deadbeat.” We believe our
stance on this race has been made clear (see One Day at a Time, Friday,
March 28), but all the same: Combine this story with the knowledge that
Clinton’s meager funds are dwindling, and, well…. Ugh. Thanks
for depressing everybody, Hil. MEANWHILE… The Associated Press
broke the news today that Ricky Martin, who we all sort of maybe
remember from that one song a while ago, has “taken his fight against
child trafficking to Cambodia.” FINALLY. “Martin learned of Cambodia’s
child-trafficking problems in February,” the story notes, adding that
he joined “Oscar-winning actress Emma Thompson, Egyptian first
lady Suzanne Mubarak, and other dignitaries in calling for
action.” So be warned, Cambodian child traffickers! Ricky Martin, Emma
Thompson, and what’s-her-name-from-Egypt are coming for you! Be very
afraid.