One Day at a Time

MONDAY, APRIL 7 Dear readers of One Day at a Time: I’d like to take
a moment to temporarily set aside the royal “we” I normally employ in
order to address you personally. In last week’s column, I wrote an item
about Thomas Beatie—who you all undoubtedly know as the
Oregon transgendered man who is currently pregnant. I said some
hurtful things that not only disparaged Beatie, but many people
in the community, of all sexualities and gender identities. First
things first: I was flat-out wrong—wrong when I vacillated
between he/she pronouns, even though Beatie clearly identifies as a
man, and wrong for dehumanizing and reducing Beatie to a series of
parts (the “Mr. Potato Head” comment). For doing this, I deeply
apologize. After a number of you sent in letters (see pg. 3), I
went back to what I wrote, and was very disturbed by what I saw. In
attempting to honestly express my confusion about how Beatie could be
pregnant and still identify as a man, I only succeeded in further
marginalizing some very worthy individuals who should be admired for
bucking mainstream norms. While embarrassed by the way this item came
across in print, I am happy and appreciative of those who took the time
to educate me and open up this dialogue so everyone, especially myself,
could learn from it. I promise to take this experience, and turn it
into something positive via education on the subject. (I’ve started
with some Trans 101 at t-vox.org—click on “transgender.”) And
while I will probably continue to poke fun at Britney,
K.Fed, Lindsay, President Bush, Tom Cruise,
Emperor Klaktu (Who am I leaving out? Anyway, you get the
picture), I’ll double my efforts to protect those who are less
powerful. Again, I’m very sorry, and thank you for your letters and
concern. ann@portlandmercury.com

TUESDAY, APRIL 8 And now, in an attempt to make a nearly
impossible transition… “Miley Cyrus Makes More Money than You
Could in a Billion Lifetimes!” (Nope, didn’t work. And yet?
Onward.) Parade magazine released their annual list of
highest-paid celebrities, asking you to determine, “Are they
worth it?” As alluded to earlier, Miley Cyrus earned $18.2
million last year—and NO, she’s not worth it. She’s
that rich, and she can’t fix her teeth? Meanwhile, Ryan Seacrest made $12 million last year, and YES, he’s totes worth it.
Between TV, radio, producing, and special appearances, he’s got
somewhere around 47 jobs—each of which only pays minimum wage.
Poor Ryan! Tiger Woods is certainly worthy enough to earn $115
million, while redneck cracker comedian Jeff Foxworthy made
$10 million, every penny of which should go to fund African
American reparations. The most shocking payday of all? Dr. Phil
McGraw made $90 million in 2007. Ninety million dollars for
knowing absolutely nothing at all! (Even President Bush doesn’t
make that kind of money, and he knows even less!)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9 New mother Jennifer Lopez shocked
hubby Marc Anthony by announcing that she wants none other than
Tom Cruise to be the godfather to her newborn twins.
(Wait… WHAT?!) Naturally, Marc’s reaction was something akin to,
“Umm…Tom… CRUISE? The Scientology guy? Heh… heh… ohh…
yeah, that’s a very interesting thought, honey. Tell you what, why
don’t we stick a pin in that idea, and revisit it, say when the kids
turn 27?” However, Marc quickly warmed to the idea after suddenly
remembering who he was married to, and that Tom spent a total of
$400,000 on the twins including: designer christening
outfits, a giant fish tank for their nursery, the complete Disney
DVD box sets, and a star-studded “Welcome to the World” theme
party. Special guest: Emperor Klaktu! (Did we forget to
mention the “world” he’s talking about is Rigel VII?)
MEANWHILE… Actor Patrick Swayze is not dead! Five weeks ago to the day, the National
Enquirer callously announced that, due to his battle with
pancreatic cancer, Swayze would not be alive in five weeks.
Well, in your fat face, National Enquirer! According to his
doctors, Swayze has shown “excellent response” to treatment,
which means the Enquirer are a bunch of ghoulish tools that
deserve to have their faces pushed in poo. (Patrick? Please don’t die
this week. We simply can’t bear apologizing to the National
Enquirer, too.)

THURSDAY, APRIL 10 Surprise! A former senior US
intelligence official has narc-ed out the Bush administration, claiming
that White House officials such as Vice President Dick Cheney,
former Attorney General John Ashcroft, and National Security
Advisor Condoleezza Rice signed off on using harsh
interrogation techniques (such as waterboarding) on suspected
terrorists—while insulating President Bush from
meetings where such tactics were approved. Guess that’s not too
surprising, is it?

FRIDAY, APRIL 11 Though we despise bearing bad news,
sometimes we just don’t have a choice. (Imagine the Jaws music
starting right about… now.) So brace yourselves, dears.
(Da-dum… da-DUM… da-DUM DA-DUM DA-DUM!)
Britney Spears‘ one-time suitor, professional douchebag
Adnan Ghalib, is back! (EEEEEEEEE! Hmm… we’re gonna
need a bigger gossip column!) Today it was reported that
Adnan—who we all thought had been given the ol’ “Don’t let the
door hit your soul patch on the way out” line—visited
Britney tonight, bringing over some movies (including No Country for
Old Men) and a couple of packs of cigarettes (he certainly knows
how to woo a lady). You know…the weather was just starting to get
nice—and yet suddenly everything seems to be getting a little
darker. Shudder.

SATURDAY, APRIL 12 From bad to worse, today Britney
Spears got into yet another car crash! (And things were
going so well! SOB!) At first, we hoped her reckless driving was a
result of her frantically fleeing from the chin-pubed Adnan, but
sadly, no such luck: TMZ reports that while Britney was “putting on
her make-up behind the wheel,” she caused a three-car crash,
bumping her white Mercedes into another car at 10-15 MPH. One of the
other drivers spilled to the tabloids, complaining that he “woke up
with a sore back.” Britney, meanwhile, giggled through most of her
interactions with police, but passed a field sobriety test and
soon was back on the road. The upside? She does have an actual driver’s
license! Umm… and underpants! That’s good! Right?

SUNDAY, APRIL 13 It feels like we’ve gone months without a
single Britney Spears story—and now we have three! And
you’ll never see this last one coming: Today Adnan Ghalib was
stabbed. OMG! Luckily(?), he’s totes okay, despite getting “a stab
wound to his arm, facial lacerations, as well as a nice shiner” at a
nightclub last night. There appears to be no motive, besides the fact
that he’s Adnan Ghalib—but c’mon! If given the chance, who
wouldn’t want to give him just a little stab? (Just kidding, Adnanny!
It’d take a long, long time to find someone as exploitative and
preposterously groomed as yourself. Kisses!) MEANWHILE… Today
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke to Pennsylvania’s
“people of faith.” While eventually coming out in favor of
abortion, Clinton admitted, “the potential for life begins at
conception.” (And we thought Bill was the smooth talker!) Meanwhile
Obama, when asked if life begins at conception, hemmed and hawed:
“Is it when a cell separates? Is it when the soul stirs?” Look,
no matter how things shake out, Democrats are going to end up with a
qualified, intelligent, and competent candidate. But until either of
them is willing to tell America’s superstitious rednecks that stem cell
research is a good thing, and that how often a candidate reads a Bible
has nothing to do with whether they’re going to pull our economy out of
the toilet, let’s just take this pussyfooting for the pandering that it
is. C’mon, you two. McCain‘s already dead in the water. It’s
okay to step on his back. (See? We’re back to our mean old self.)