MONDAY, APRIL 21 Okay, no more fooling around: Someone needs to walk
into Tom Cruise’s personal gold-plated bank vault, and take
every single penny he owns. While it’s certainly one thing to throw
money into an alien-worshipping cult (apologies to Emperor
Klaktu), prepare yourself to be astonished and possibly sickened
upon hearing the details of Li’l Suri Cruise’s second
birthday bash. First of all, Tom spent
$100,000—that’s right, 100 grand on a party for a
two-year-old who can’t even count to two. Secondly, according to the
Daily News, Suri blew out the candles on “a four-tiered cake while watching in wonder as 1,000 butterflies flew
around her.” And while she may have only had 24 guests, each was
presented with a designer cake with their names in edible
calligraphy, and feasted on $45,000 in food catered by Wolfgang
Puck himself. (That’s a lot of cuisine for guests who still get
their meals from mom’s nipples.) C’mon, Tom! Instead of spending
thousands of dollars on designer cakes and live flittering butterflies,
Suri would’ve been just as happy (if not happier) with one spoon and an
open can of Betty Crocker frosting. (Besides, when Emperor
Klaktu destroys an entire system of inhabited planets, so that the
resulting explosions read, “Happy Birthday, Suri”—well, 1,000
butterflies kind of pales in comparison, doesn’t it?)

TUESDAY, APRIL 22 In a bit of welcome news for presidential
wannabe Hillary Clinton, she won tonight’s Pennsylvania
primary election by a 10 percent margin over her far dreamier
competitor Barack Obama. Clinton is using the victory to bolster
her argument that she is better qualified to defeat Republican John
McCain in the fall—but what she fails to realize is that a
laundry basket full of punctured bicycle tire tubes could beat
McCain and… did we mention how dreamy Obama is?
MEANWHILE… Behold, the opening sentence of the greatest news
story ever, entitled, “Penis Theft Panic Hits City.” From
Reuters, “Police in Congo have arrested 13 suspected sorcerers accused of using black magic to steal or shrink men’s penises.”
Wait! Here’s another great sentence! “Reports of so-called penis
snatching are not uncommon in West Africa,” (?) and the penis thefts
“quickly dominated radio call-in shows with listeners advised to
beware of fellow passengers in communal taxis wearing gold
rings.” According to victims, “sorcerers simply touched them to
make their genitals shrink or disappear.” (Hubby Kip once
accused us of a similar crime, which is when we told him (a) he’s never
once purchased us anything resembling gold, and (b) shut up and bring
us a drink.)

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23 It was reported today that a trained
700-pound grizzly bear featured in the Will Ferrell comedy Semi-Pro attacked and killed his trainer, before
finally being subdued by mace. While we refuse to blame the victim, the
name of the Hollywood animal training facility is, after all, “Randy
Miller’s Predators in Action.” Creepy? Maybe. But it’s a definite
improvement over their previous name, “Randy Miller’s OMIGOD! THIS BEAR
IS KILLING ME!!” MEANWHILE… Acquitted murder suspect O.J.
Simpson is still looking for a job, and has approached Donald
Trump to be a contestant on the next installment of The
Celebrity Apprentice. Naturally, NBC honchos are saying “absolutely
no way, not in a million years… unless… hey, do you think Robert
Blake and Charles Manson are available, too?”

THURSDAY, APRIL 24 Well, that was quick! After recently
reporting that diminutive former child actor Gary Coleman was
married, today the not-so-happy newlyweds have announced they will be
getting divorced, and in a very classy way… on TV’s Divorce
Court! The AP has a transcript of the show (set to air on May 1 and
2), which is expectedly both horribly sad and awesome. Coleman’s wife,
Shannon Price, accused Coleman of spending too much time
playing with his train set, not having any friends, and
experiencing fits of (in our view, hilarious) rage. “He, like, stomps
the floor and yells, ‘Meehhhh,’ and starts throwing stuff
around,” Price said, adding, “He bashes his head in the wall,
too.” Coleman countered, saying, “the male is always the bad guy” and
that he doesn’t “have any friends and [doesn’t] have any intention of
making any.” Coleman then surprised the TV judge by donning an
engineer’s cap and proclaiming “WHOO! WHOO! All aboard the pity train!”
before chugging out of the courtroom.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25 So. Just in case you haven’t noticed, the
economy isn’t doing so great, with consumer confidence hitting a
26-year low and gas and food prices soaring. Don’t worry,
though—President Bush says we’ll be fine! “It’s obvious
our economy is in a slowdown,” he said today, carefully avoiding the
words”recession,” “depression,”and “PANIC!” Bush’s plan, predictably
enough, is to throw money at the problem, via a $152 billion
economic stimulus package. Don’t get us wrong—an economic
stimulus check will be great and all (we’ve totes had our eyes on a
pair of Chloé platform stilettos) but we have to ask: Does it
make sense for our government to borrow money so they can give us all
checks and hopefully divert a massive economic crisi—oh, crap! We
just remembered we let Hubby Kip file our taxes this year.
Considering last year he tried to write off no fewer than 27 lunches
at Hooters as a “business expense,” we should probably go check to
make sure he did things right. BRB.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26 So Jennifer Anniston and John
Mayer are totally doing it. Altogether now: Ewwwwww!
Aniston, who used to be famous for having Brad Pitt leave her,
and Mayer, who used to be famous for his terrible music, were seen
canoodling in Miami today before going back to Aniston’s hotel
room… while holding hands. One more time: Ewwwwww! MOVING ON… So Miley Cyrus, the 15-year-old star of
Hannah Montana, is now posing topless for Vanity
Fair. However, now the dentally challenged pop star is furiously
backpedaling from the Annie Leibovitz-shot photos. “I took part
in a photo shoot that was supposed to be ‘artistic,’ and now, seeing
the photographs and reading the story, I feel so embarrassed,” Cyrus
gushed to People. (Never mind reports Cyrus and her team happily
approved the pics at the time they were shot.) In related news, now we
know why pedophiles everywhere have been high-fiving each other
and frantically filling out Vanity Fair subscription cards.

SUNDAY, APRIL 27 OMG! On Friday, May 2, Tom Cruise is totally
going on Oprah again, and we cannot wait. Remember
last time? With the couch-jumping and the shouting and the levitating
across the room to hug the ghost of L. Ron Hubbard? (Okay, maybe
that last part was a teensy bit embellished, but still!) Today
Oprah spilled the beans to her studio audience, telling them that in
the first part of her upcoming two-part interview with Cruise, he gave
her a ride on a snowmobile at his estate in Telluride, Colorado,
and that she asked him about two touchy subjects: the whole
Scientology thing, and that time he freaked out on Matt
Lauer! Oh, this is gonna be great! This time we’re hoping he’ll
re-enact a scene from Battlefield Earth, or shoot lasers out of
his eyes, or insist that he really does love his imprisoned child bride
Katie Holmes. It could be any of those crazy, preposterous
things! Who knows?! Now if you’ll excuse us, we have to delete a bunch
of Kip’s Pussycat Dolls Present: Girlicious episodes off the
TiVo so there’ll be room for Tom. Eeeee!