MONDAY, MAY 5 There’s something weird brewing in Hollyweird… and
we don’t like it! For reasons far too complicated to fathom,
celebrities are acting both “nice” and more distressingly,
“normal.” Take, for example, our fave couch-jumping cultist
Tom Cruise. Remember when he crawled up in the grill of
Today show host Matt Lauer, regarding the subject of
postpartum depression? And remember how he was all, “Women [like
postpartum sufferer Brooke Shields] don’t need drugs” to fight
the malady, “all they need are vitamins”? And then remember how
everyone freaked out, called him a Scientology-worshipping looney-tune?
Well, today it was announced that Tom has flipped the script and
reversed his previous position (i.e., he’s being nice)! “[What I
said] came out wrong. It’s just not true,” Tom told Oprah on her
upcoming sitdown with the formerly dickish star. “I’m not trying or
want to tell anyone how to live their life or what they should believe
or shouldn’t believe. I felt like I could’ve handled it better.” BUT…
BUT… But what are we going to do with the case of Flintstones
Chewables we bought from Costco?! MEANWHILE… Tom also unveiled
his brand-new website today, creatively titled tomcruise.com, in which he celebrates
the 25th anniversary of his first starring role in a movie. (That would
be Risky Business, although he conveniently excludes the 1983
teen sex comedy Losin’ It, in which he tries to get deflowered
by Shelley Long. EWW!). But get this! Tom claims that he
“created this site as a thank you, to you, for sharing the
journey with me and to invite you to continue to explore what the
future will bring….” Okay… WHY IS HE BEING SO NICE? Perhaps we
wouldn’t be so suspicious if the grand exalted leader of the
Scientology movement, Emperor Klaktu of Rigel VII, weren’t being
so nice as well! As he said today via intergalactic press release,
“Earthlings should celebrate the fact I have not annihilated an
inhabited solar system in 46 standard orbit-cycles. Plus, stay tuned
later this week for an exciting announcement regarding my new
presence on what you humans call your internet! Ummm… What do you
insects call it? A ‘blog’?” Ohhh… no. Be very afraid!

TUESDAY, MAY 6 Again with “the nice”! Today Britney
Spears went against every fiber of her being, and actually showed
up in court, not dressed like a whore. And by all accounts she
was sober, too! Everyone was so impressed by her seeming normality,
they decided to grant her more time with her sons. According to
K.Fed’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan, “We all see
indicators of progress by Ms. Spears. What was a seemingly daily state
of extreme flux has been stabilized.” Oh, yeah? Well, stabilized
flux isn’t going to feed all those paparazzi and their kids! And do you
think their feet are just going to accidentally run over themselves?
MEANWHILE… Let’s all wish a happy birthday to the dreamboaty
George Clooney, who turns a handsome 47 years old today.
In fact, we would’ve LOVED to have sung the birthday song to him
personally (à la Marilyn Monroe)—had we received an
invitation to his party. However, we totally understand that it was a
small 100-person soiree filled with only Hollyweird A-listers, such as
Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes, David and Victoria
Beckham, Clive Owen, Naomi Watts… The Olsen
Twins? The dumbass who plays Superboy on Smallville?
Hilary Fucking Duff?? Forget what I said about Hollyweird being
“nice”! SOB!!

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7 At least we still have our second favorite dreamboat, Barack Obama, who continued to dominate
Hillary Clinton by trouncing her in the North Carolina
Democratic primary, and barely losing in Indiana (a state Hillary was
supposed to win in a landslide). It would now seem to even the most
casual observer that Obama has the nomination tied up… unless,
of course, you’re Hillary Clinton. “I’m staying in this race until
there’s a nominee,” she told reporters tonight. Good for you, Hill! You
just stay in the race as long as you can… which will be on May 20
when Oregon votes for Barack Obama! Weeeeeee-whooo! Barack, we
looove yooooooou! Take off your shirt!

THURSDAY, MAY 8 Singer Amy Winehouse (Britain’s answer to
Britney Spears) has once again found herself in the clutches of
the bobbies, after a video leaked of her allegedly smoking crack
cocaine, and talking about taking Valium, while roaming the streets
searching for a cat. Upon receiving the video, police took Winehouse
into custody. IN A RELATED STORY… Two men and a teenager in
Texas have been accused of “digging up a corpse, decapitating the
body,” and using the skull as a bong to smoke marijuana. Why are
these two stories related? Because that skull belonged to… Amy
Winehouse! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

FRIDAY, MAY 9 Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson are
engaged! You might remember actor Owen Wilson from his suicide
attempt in 2007, and you might remember actress Hudson as the woman
who caused it. (Rumors are that Wilson was so distraught after seeing
pictures of Hudson, his ex, kissing Dax Shepard that he tried to
off himself.) But now that Kate and Owen are back together, things seem
to be going swimmingly—as evidenced by the rock the size of
Minneapolis that Kate’s currently sporting on her engagement finger.
Congrats, you two! (And Kate? You’d best not break Owen’s heart
again. If we catch you messing around with Dax Shepard, we just may
kill ourselves! We mean, really… Dax Shepard? That’s
just so embarrassing we could die.)

SATURDAY, MAY 10 In two events that make compelling arguments
for eugenics (what… can we not say that?), today Jenna Bush got married, while Jennifer Aniston continued to sleep with
John Mayer. We know, we know—it’s super-gross news, but
like so many things in life, just close your eyes and it’ll all be over
in a sec. (Sorry Kip!) First things first: President Bush’s daughter
Jenna Bush got married today to Henry Hager, a grad
student who’s the son of the Virginia Republican Party chairman and a
former aide to Karl Rove. In related news, Jenna will soon pop
out a horde of teeny tiny neoconservative brats who’ll run for office
in 2048, no doubt making life miserable for our children. Speaking of
making us miserable, horse-faced Jennifer Aniston is
still sleeping with poor, unwitting John Mayer—the duo was
seen clip-clopping around Miami this weekend. Miami was nice enough to
supply the long-faced actress with apples and sugar cubes, as the
couple stopped at all the hottest bridle shops. (Sorry, John, but you
willingly walked into this situation.)

SUNDAY, MAY 11 Following Monday’s unveiling of tomcruise.com, a hastily arranged
holographic press conference was held today by Emperor Klaktu of
Rigel VII. “Earlier this week, I promised you humans an exciting
announcement,” Klaktu proclaimed, stroking his chin-mandibles with
enthusiasm. “And now, at the urging of my friend and the future ruler
of earth, Tom Cruise, I am delighted to command you to visit
emperorklaktu.blogspot.com!
Like Tom’s site, my ‘weblog’ was created as a thank you to my loyal
fans, and also as an unabashedly transparent attempt to cover up some
of my more questionable public relations gaffes of late, including but
not limited to the genocide of Alf‘s planet. At emperorklaktu.blogspot.com,
you puny earthlings can find updates about my galactic conquests,
humorous anecdotes about the crazy things that happen when Tom and I
hang out, information about the forthcoming Scientology War in
which the spectral form of L. Ron Hubbard shall consume your leader,
Oprah Winfrey, take over your pitiable planet, and rename it
‘Suri‘—and, assuming I have time, I will also post some of
my favorite casserole recipes. Don’t forget to comment!”