MONDAY, JUNE 2 Though we primarily deal with steaming piles of hot
Hollyweird gossip, and only rarely stick our toes in national politics,
this week the two worlds collided. (Yay!) The Clinton campaign blew
apart today—and it wasn’t even Barack Obama’s fault!
Vanity Fair magazine came out with a dishy article about
Bill Clinton, which included thinly veiled allegations that the
former president has been sneaking around again on wife
Hillary—and with mannish celebrity Gina Gershon!
(We think she looks mannish… don’t you?) Writer Todd S. Purdum wrote that Clinton’s (unnamed) aides were growing increasingly alarmed
over Bill’s alleged dalliances, suggesting that he made special trips
to California to “visit” Gershon. (And by “visit” Purdum surely
means “cunnilingus”… right?) Naturally, both Clinton and Gershon’s
respective camps are screaming like banshees over the article, with
Bill going so far as to publicly call Purdum a “dishonest reporter,”
and more pointedly, a “scumbag.” And though Gina & Co. are
demanding a retraction, Vanity Fair is refusing to budge,
claiming, “The story merely examines the concerns of some of Clinton’s
aides about reports of his behavior.” In other words, it’s perfectly
fine for Vanity Fair to make these insinuations, because they’re
just reporting what other people have said. Which reminds us: Did you
hear that the entire staff of Vanity Fair is actually staffed by
pedophile kitten stranglers? We heard it from this guy’s
cousin—who knows another guy.

TUESDAY, JUNE 3 FINALLY! After a lengthy and needlessly
protracted battle, the dreamiest of the dreamies Barack Obama is
the Democratic nominee for president of the United States,
and… wait. Whaddaya mean Hillary Clinton hasn’t conceded yet?
Obama has the delegates, right? He has the popular vote, right? And
yet, even after Obama declared victory, Clinton said, “This has been a
long campaign, and I will be making no decisions tonight.”
Ummm… did the world go all flippy-floppy when we went to the
bathroom? YOU DON’T GET TO “DECIDE,” HILLARY. We, the voters,
make that decision, and we’ve “decided” that you LOSE. Well, surely
she’ll concede tomorrow… right? MEANWHILE… In the most
unsurprising news item of the year, a Senate Intelligence Committee
report has accused President Bush and his top cronies of
deliberately misrepresenting secret intelligence in order to
take us into war with Iraq. The Senate Intelligence Committee then went
on to say that Bush WRONGLY linked Saddam Hussein to the 9/11
attacks, that he was WRONG to say Iraq was providing chemical,
biological, or nuclear weapons to terrorists, and he was WRONG to
assert the country was developing aerial technology to squirt chemical
or biological agents on American soil. However, the committee’s
report was also wrong about one thing—they failed to mention they
were too stupid to realize these obvious facts five years ago.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4 You are NOT going to get us to feel sorry
for Sarah Larson! As you may recall, Sarah is the somewhat
gorgeous harlot/trollop/painted lady that’s been occupying all of
George Clooney’s precious time—that is, until he recently
and unceremoniously dumped her! HAH! Now, we’re not the type of
person to celebrate other people’s humiliating failures… but
everyone knows it’s just a matter of time before George falls in love
with us, so this breakup isn’t exactly unwelcome news. That being said,
today we learned there is the teensiest-tiniest fly in our ointment: As
it turns out, the reason WHY George gave Sarah the heave-ho, is because
she’s allegedly a blabbermouth. A snoopy inside spy tells E!
Online, “George is very protective of his private life. He started
feeling like she had spoken too much about the relationship.”
Uh-oh. Now look, Georgie. Don’t let a little thing like the fact that
we have a gossip column that mentions you quite frequently get
in the way of what could be a beautiful relationship. If push comes to
shove, we’ll drop this stupid column like it was Gina Gershon’s chlamydia-infested handbag. (And don’t worry about Hubby Kip,
either. He’ll just sit in the garage playing videogames.)
MEANWHILE… Hillary Clinton still hasn’t quit.

THURSDAY, JUNE 5 This week’s top-secret Hollyweird romance?
(No, it’s not Bill Clinton and Gina Gershon.) A little
bird—who also goes by the name Daily News—tells us
that starlet Cameron Diaz has been getting all canoodly with multi-named rap impresario P. Diddy Puff Daddy Sean Combs.
The pair has been spotted “laughing and holding hands,” “looking very
affectionate,” and disappearing behind guarded doors for 20 minutes at
a time. Oh, and they were also “spoon feeding each other bread
pudding.” (Isn’t that code for “cunnilingus”?) MEANWHILE… Hillary Clinton still hasn’t quit.

FRIDAY, JUNE 6 Today Jessica Alba and her no-name
husband (fine, Cash Warren) gave birth to a baby girl, Honor
Marie Warren. In a related story, Hubby Kip took the day off
work to drink an entire box of Franzia and watch the following films in
the following order: Into the Blue, Fantastic
Four, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Into
the Blue, Sin City, Honey, and Into the
Blue. MEANWHILE… Hillary Clinton still hasn’t
quit. MEANWHILE… Great. First Kip gets all poop-faced over
this Alba skank, and now we hear that Prince turned 50 years
old this weekend? Could there be any other news that would make us
feel any older? Ugh. Worst weekend ever! If you’ll excuse us, we have a
box of Franzia that needs attending to. Ah, sweet fountain of youth.
(Glug, glug, glug.)

SATURDAY, JUNE 7 Oh, THANK CHRIST, we were hoping for some
good news! Today Hillary Clinton finally, finally quit, approximately 178 months after she first launched her
campaign to become president. “Although we weren’t able to shatter that
highest, hardest glass ceiling this time, thanks to you, it has about
18 million cracks in it,” Clinton told supporters, “and the light is
shining through like never before.” Clinton’s concession—and her
decision to endorse the dreamiest presidential candidate ever,
Barack Obama—came as a long-delayed, bittersweet end to a
drawn-out primary that severely tested America’s Democrats. We sure are
glad that it’s finally, finally, all ov—wait. Sorry. Never
mind. “I am open to it,” Clinton reportedly told aides earlier this
week when asked if she wanted to be Obama’s running mate. Translation?
“Okay, so this president business ain’t happening. Let’s go for the
VP slot!” Aaaand here we go. Again.

SUNDAY, JUNE 8 “There are some soldiers who will do almost
anything not to go back,” Army Reserve psychologist Col. Kathy
Platoni told Newsweek, referring to the “rising trend” of
soldiers wounding themselves so they won’t be forced to go on
multiple tours of duty in Iraq. One soldier swallowed pens, another
jumped off his roof, and a third paid a hit man $500 “to shoot him in
the knee on the day he was scheduled to return to Iraq.”
Newsweek goes on to state that soldiers in America’s “overtaxed
volunteer army” are also committing suicide at the highest rate
on record. MEANWHILE… We would never leave you on such a sour
note, dear readers! Remember when everyone said Patrick Swayze only had a few weeks to live? Well, turns out he’s doing just
fine, and he’ll even be back on TV next year, in a show called
The Beast, where he’ll play “an FBI agent with a checkered
past”! Congrats on your recovery, Patrick, and—oh, damn. Sorry
for the interruption, Patrick, but Hubby Kip wants to ask if
you’ll be having guest stars on The Beast? He wants you to know
that a certain Hollywood starlet will “probably be back in pretty hot
shape by then!” Okay. That’s it. If you’re looking for us, we’re on the
couch. (Glug, glug, glug.)