[Darlings! While 2007 excelled in celebrity
embarrassments—what with rehab, prison stints, and
racism-inspired apologies—one star shined brighter than any in
Tinsel Turd, and it was of course MS. BRITNEY SPEARS. (Sorry,
LiLo—even with a possible kidnapping charge, you never stood a chance.) Ladies and gentlemen, let’s look back at 2007: THE
YEAR OF BALD BRITNEY.—Ann Romano]

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 16 The weekend started out normally enough: Britney
checked into a foreign rehab center—a stay that lasted
less than 24 hours before she checked out and flew back to LA.
Upon returning home, Brit decided to get her hair done. Still
normal, right? NOPE. “I tried to talk her out of it,” insisted a
frantic Esther Tognozzi, who owns an LA salon. “I said, ‘Are you
sure you’re not having a bad day and tomorrow you’ll feel differently
about it? Why don’t we wait a little bit?’ She said, ‘No, I absolutely
want it shaved off now.’ Next thing I know, she grabbed the
buzzer and she went to the back of my salon and she was shaving
off her own hair.” Yes, you read that correctly: Britney Spears
is now bald. And who said 2007 was going to suck?

SATURDAY, FEBURUARY 17 After shaving her head, UK tabloid The
Sun reports that Spears “drove aimlessly around LA for 40 minutes”
before arriving at a tattoo parlor, where, still covered in
shaved hair, “She ordered [the] staff to etch a set of pink lips on her wrist.” (“Pink lips”? EEEEEEEWWWW!) The Sun also
notes that Britney was “screaming and flipping out.” Meanwhile
an onlooker explained Spears’ actions thusly: “‘She basically just said
she was tired of having things plugged into her. She didn’t want
anybody to touch her.'” Actually, Brit? You’re not the first girl
to be sick of having things plugged into you. (Hi Kip!)

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 19 After shaving her head, Britney decided to check
herself in… and promptly OUT of Eric Clapton’s Crossroads rehab facility (probably because Kenny Rogers Roasters was
having a two-for-one special). Everybody deserves a second (or 15th)
chance, yes? That’s why we’d like to congratulate Britney for doing the
right thing, and checking herself back into
rehab once again today! (Specifically, Promises rehab in
Malibu—the city, not the rum.) P.S. We win 30 bucks if you stay
longer than 24 hours, Britney. DON’T DISAPPOINT US.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 20 This just in from Promises rehab in
Malibu—BRITNEY SPEARS HAS ESCAPED AGAIN. We repeat,
Britney Spears did NOT complete her first 24 hours of treatment and is
currently at large. Authorities are advising the public to stay inside
their homes, and most importantly, not to panic. There’s nothing to be
alarmed about and… OH GOD! LOOK OUT, EVERYBODY! BRITNEY SPEARS HAS
AN UMBRELLA!

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 21 It was a sleepless night of terror after
Britney Spears “checked herself out” of Malibu’s Promises
rehab facility, and showed up at the doorstep of ex-hubby Kevin
Federline demanding to see her kids. In his first wise move ever,
K.Fed refused to let her in—however, this further enraged
the marauding Britney who then went on a crazed umbrella spree. Cursing and violently swinging the umbrella, she attacked a group of
paparazzi (caning one in the back) before repeatedly
pummeling and causing minor damage to a nearby—and completely
innocent—SUV. (Actually, the SUV wasn’t a hybrid… so as
Britney might have noted, it’s “not that innocent.” GET IT?? GET IT??
Thank yew! Thank yew! We’ll be here all week.) Luckily for everyone in
Tinsel Town, Britney’s mother eventually tracked her down, took
away her umbrella, and sent her daughter back to Promises rehab, who
promised to help her “baby, one more time.” OH BOY! We know it’s a
tragedy and everything, but WE ARE ON FIRE TODAY!

MONDAY, MARCH 12 Look. People can complain about Britney
Spears all they want, but what they don’t understand is this one
simple fact: REHAB IS HARD, Y’ALL! While Britney is perhaps
incorrectly diagnosing her condition as “postpartum depression,” others are chalking up her condition to being addicted to hooch
and/or blow—and her sweet tooth is giving her away. “Usually
when a patient eats [a lot of] sugar,” says the insider, “it
means that they are coming down from a drug that kept them
really up, like cocaine or speed. [Britney] has been drinking tons
of Coca-Cola—about two cases a day, or 24 Cokes in 24
hours.” In response, the Coca-Cola Corporation said, “Umm… we’re not
really looking for celebrity spokesmodels right now….”

MONDAY, APRIL 2 Britney has reportedly moved on to a new rehab
romance. This time it’s with acoustic rocker Howie Day, who
Britney met while confined in the Promises Treatment Center. So
Howie… why don’t you sit down and tell us a little about yourself?
Your police record seems to indicate that you enjoy being locked
up for harassing flight attendants (for which you’re currently on
probation), and in 2004 you were arrested for “locking a woman in
the bathroom of a tour bus after she refused his sexual advances.”
Hmmm… well, while we’ll miss Kevin, at least you show some
initiative. WELCOME TO THE FAMILY.

MONDAY, MAY 28 According to Britain’s The Sun, Britney was
spotted this weekend entering the MEN’s toilet at a posh LA
hotspot, and heaving her guts out. According to a snoopy source,
“Britney was found slumped over the toilet bowl with make-up smeared
over her face and her wig hanging off.” WOW! But it gets even
better! “There was vomit down the front of her black dress and
around her mouth… [she] must have been sick four or five times. I
don’t know if she was drunk or not.” That skanky poseur Lindsay
Lohan may be drinking up the lion’s share of tabloid ink—but
you, Britney Spears? Though civilizations may eventually crumble and
fall, you shall never be forgotten. (Now send in somebody to clean up
that sick.)

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9 Dear Britney: Your “comeback performance“
on MTV’s Video Music Awards? Well, we both know it didn’t quite
go as planned. First: that lip-syncing. C’mon, honey. You can do
better than that. Ashlee Simpson can do better than that.
Secondly: those dead eyes? What was it, sweetie?
Percocet? Xanax? Valium? Oh, no, dear—we’re
not saying to quit! But generally speaking, a fistful of pills aren’t
advised minutes before a big “comeback performance.” There’s a time and
a place. Thirdly: the wheezing. Those five packs a day haven’t
been great for your dance moves, have they? You should have gotten some
slower backup dancers. Maybe some quadriplegics?

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 16 Capping off what has been an excellent week,
Britney Spears has been banned from hip Hollywood hangout the
Chateau Marmont. The reason? According to the New York Post,
Britney’s latest faux pas was “smearing a plate of
high-priced cuisine all over her face and grossing out the other
patrons.” Alas, Britney’s handlers will have to seek out other dining
options for her, a task that grows more difficult by the week: Chateau
Marmont joins a long list of upscale eateries that have banned Britney,
including Olive Garden, Sizzler, Red Lobster, T.G.I. Fridays,
Applebee’s, and that one super-creepy 7-Eleven in North Hollywood where
that really short, lazy-eyed clerk licks his lips at you whenever you
buy condoms.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 28 Brit and hillbilly ex-hubby Kevin
Federline have paid another visit to the courts to discuss
custody rights—and to hear Brit and K.Fed’s parenting
coach report on their progress. But… WHATEVER. The best part of
the day was when Britney left the chambers in tears to use the
restroom, and when an Extra reporter asked her how she was
doing, Britney sagely responded: “EAT IT, LICK IT, SNORT IT, FUCK
IT!” (And that, dear friends, is the “One Day at a Time Quote of
the Year.” Top that, Lindsay Lohan!)