MONDAY, JULY 22
Justin Timberlake, you is a DOG! It’s certainly bad enough you’re skipping
out of ‘N SYNC rehearsals to record a solo album–but to then trample
the tenderized heart of Britney Spears by openly canoodling with sex
kitten Janet Jackson? What could possibly be worse? How about smooching
up to Christina Aguilera? According to a report from the New York
Post, the popstress who once called Britney “teeny bop trash” let it slip
to a record industry exec that she and Justin have been doing the rubby-dubby
freak nasty. “We’ve been meeting at places you’d never think we’d go, in
case anyone sees us,” Christina allegedly mewed. If true, sources close to Timberlake
say that dating Christina is like throwing a bottle of acid in Britney’s
face. “Britney will be FURIOUS. She hates Christina!” the source laughed
with a surprising amount of glee. And what’s this? HA-HA-HAAAA! So are we! Meanwhile! The rest of the media world has finally woken up to the fact that J.LO and hubby Cris Judd are KAPUT. In a report from E! Online, the
shocked news outlet reported today, that the divorce has indeed been applied
for and that reports indicate that the vivacious Ms. LO has been doing the two-lip
tango with (gasp!) actor Ben Affleck! Hellooooooooo? We’ve been talking
about that for WEEKS. In fact, we’re going to predict that in about 25 seconds,
J.LO will be hitting the satin sheets with T.LAKE (and if that doesn’t drive
B.SPEARS and C.AGULA crazy–nothing will)!

TUESDAY, JULY 23
In case you weren’t aware, kids do the darndest things! Sixteen-year-old Sarah
Roberts of Lake Oswego issued a public apology today for faking her own
disappearance and making the police look like they don’t know what they’re
doing. At roughly 7 pm on Sunday, Roberts had driven to Tryon Creek Park to
do some jogging, but instead, abandoned her car (with two dogs inside–bad,
bad idea). Then she made it look like an abduction scene by throwing
a water bottle, car keys and a broken necklace into the parking lot. She then
hopped in another vehicle with three or four friends and traveled to Seattle
to do some shopping, and maybe ride that fancy monorail the city
is so proud of. Unfortunately for the fun-lovin’ kids, their perfect plan backfired
when Lake Oswego called in 150 cops to scour the area. After seeing all the
hulabaloo, one of Roberts’ chums contacted her by cell phone and begged
her to call home. She did, the cops picked her up, and OHHH BOY! Is somebody
in the dog house! Naturally the red-faced residents of Lake Oswego are calling
for the girl to be tarred and feathered, and to pay the police department
the supposed $50,000 it cost to perform such a search–but shouldn’t the cops
subtract at least $25,000 for forgetting to simply call the girl’s cell phone?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 24
In international news, what would it take for an 82-year-old, arthritic, nearly
dead Pope to walk down 27 steps from an airplane to the tarmac? How about
200,000 children–and all of them HOT. Yes, in a weird attempt
to get people to forget all about the current scandal involving Catholic
priests and their unholy unions with sexy, supple, 8-year-old altar boys,
the Pope is visiting Toronto, Canada to preside over (of all things) the Roman
Catholic Church’s World Day for Youth. After pulling his totally awesome
and extreme stunt of walking down 27 steps (which will be featured on next week’s
episode of MTV’s Jackass), the Pope spoke to the kids, urging
them to “promote the great cause of peace and human solidarity.” He then pulled
a 360 degree lip-side fakey on his inline skates and invited all the kids inside
the confessional for a pizza party and “rap” session. Surprisingly, no
one took him up on his offer, but Vatican officials believe that many of the
kids “already have a ‘groovy’ thing going on with their local priest, and that
having sex outside the parish is considered a ‘cop-out’.”

THURSDAY, JULY 25
According to an article in today’s Eastside Journal in Bellevue, Washington,
a local family is suing McDonald’s for contributing to their daughter’s
downward spiral into sex, drugs and liquor. Huffy dad Clifford Street
is filing a civil suit in King County Superior Court naming McDonald’s Corp.,
and a twice¯convicted bank robber (and former McDonald’s manager)
David Maybin for getting involved with his 15-year-old daughter Danielle and introducing her to the varied world of hedonism. Street accuses Maybin (who
was 23 at the time) of seducing his daughter, sexually exploiting her, getting
her “hooked on drugs such as pot and Ecstasy” and encouraging her to
run away to California. And it’s McDonald’s fault, because they hired him! You
know, we hate McDonald’s as much as the next gal, but something tells us Danielle
was eventually going to do something like this anyway. At least that’s what
my best friend in the world, Tricia Verlaine-Davenport, says. She claims
to have learned everything she knows about oral sex when she was 16 years
old, “thanks to my boss at the Dairy Queen. And look at me now! I’m a graduate
of Brown and married to a very successful mortgage broker. And you know sometimes
late at night, I still think fondly of the lessons Bobby taught me. Especially
when I’m sucking down a Mr. Misty.”

FRIDAY, JULY 26
Dear Rob Lowe: Are you fucking kidding me? You are such an infant! You
owe your career to the Wing. You think people remember St. Elmo’s
Fire? It’s not like you were in something timeless like The Breakfast
Club. Sure you were all cute and rapscallion and All That. But two years
ago? You were just another aging has-been wishing you’d been nicer to
Demi and hadn’t accepted that role in Tommy Boy. Sure Aaron
Sorkin is on crack, but he REMADE YOU. And now you’re all petulant because
you aren’t getting “enough money” or “screen time”? Who do you think
you are? Judd Nelson? By the way, we know we haven’t seen you since that
hotel room at the convention in Atlanta. Sorry about going to the police
about the video tape thing. What can we say? Teenagers are impulsive. Write
us! Yours, Ann

SATURDAY, JULY 27
The Associated Press reported today that a woman who says she was caught with
a vibrator in her suitcase is suing Delta Air Lines for public
humiliation. Renee Koutsouradis, 36, claims she was with her hubby awaiting
takeoff from Dallas when her name was called over the loudspeaker. WILL THE
OWNER OF THE HOT MAMA PINK POCKET ROCKET PLEASE REPORT TO THE WHITE COURTESY
PHONE? She said she was met by a Delta security agent who told her something
was vibrating in one of her bags. She reportedly explained it was an adult toy
that she and her husband had just bought on a trip to Las Vegas, and no it wasn’t
because he had trouble pleasing her, it was more of a gag, etc According
to the lawsuit, the agent escorted her to the bag on the tarmac and made her
remove the vibrator and hold it up high in front of the other passengers and
God and everybody. Three male Delta employees “began laughing hysterically.”
She was then allowed to repack her vibrator and board the plane while everyone
smirked and pointed. This, ladies, is exactly why one should always stow one’s
sex toys in one’s carry-on. They also come in handy should you get horny during
the in-flight movie.

SUNDAY, JULY 28
Are you people aware that our president is about to take a MONTH-long VACATION?
Is this allowed? What kind of leader of the free world takes August off? Psychiatrists can take August off. The French can take August off. The American
President? No. And yet, the President is planning on leaving next
week for Kennebunkport, where he’ll lounge about before heading to his
ranch to lounge about some more (with a brief stop in Washington for
his annual physical and maybe a quick colonic). What does he work like
three hours a day? And he needs a break from this rigorous schedule? What about
the rest of us? What about humor columnists and video store clerks and coal
miners? If he can run a war against terror from his ranch rec room, can’t we
do some of our work in OUR underwear?