MONDAY, DECEMBER 29

Last night, Michael Jackson made his first TV appearance since being brought up on charges of “Rubba Rubba” (i.e. child molestation). And today critics are claiming the one-on-one interview with 60 Minutes‘ Ed Bradley made Jackson look more mentally unstable than before. But who are we to judge, right? That’s why we’ve supplied some of the juiciest out-of-context quotes from last night’s interview, while inviting you to judge each statement for it’s craziness quotient (for example: One point = Reese Witherspoon, Five points = Courtney Love on an Oxycontin binge, Ten points = Ann Heche on a good day). Pencil’s ready? Begin.

1) When questioned on the veracity of the allegations, Jackson squeaked, “Before I would hurt a child I would slit my wrists.” (Crazy Score: _____)

2) When Bradley asked if he still believes it’s okay to share a bed with children, Jackson responded, “Of course. Why not? If you’re going to be a pedophile, if you’re going to be Jack the Ripper, if you’re going to be a murderer, it’s not a good idea.” (Crazy Score: _____)

3) Jackson also accused Santa Barbara authorities of manhandling him (and not in a good way): “See this arm, my shoulder is dislocated badly.” He then accused officers of making him sit on a dirty toilet for 45 minutes. “There was doo-doo, feces thrown all over the walls, the floor, the ceiling,” Jackson claimed. “And it stunk so bad.” (Crazy Score: _____)

Finished? Tally up the points. If Michael received a score of 12 or above, then he is definitely bonkers. If you gave him a score of eight or below, then you are definitely bonkers.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30

If you’re looking to drop those ten holiday pounds, how about trying the weight-loss craze that’s sweeping the nation? It’s called the “Mad Cow Diet” and its devilishly simple! Start by reading the following news item: Today the Agricultural Department took “aggressive action” against Mad Cow disease, starting with banning meat from sick cows (good idea!) and promising to create a “nationwide animal tracking system” (possibly replacing the “cowbell” tracking system currently being used). There were other rule changes as well, includingÉ 1) No more “air-injection stunning” of cattle which causes brain cells to go ker-blooey. 2) Stricter controls on “automated carcass stripping” to insure infected spinal fluid isn’t sprayed all over your prime rib. 3) Small intestines from cows will no longer be allowed in the U.S. food supply (Sorry, hotdog fans!). 4) The brain and spinal tissue of older cows will no longer be allowed to contaminate that delicious hamburger you’re eating. You heard right–no more “Special Sauce!” See, that’s how the “Mad Cow Diet” works: simply read this article before breakfast, lunch and dinner and watch those pounds melt away!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31

The results are in from our “Check and See if Michael Jackson is Crazy” poll, and according to the Santa Barbara police, the answer is a resounding, “YUP.” After claiming that officials dislocated his shoulder, and made Jackson sit in a “doo-doo” room for 45-minutes (see Monday) the Santa Barbara cop shop has decided to strike back. Calling a press conference, the Sheriff’s department showed reporters a videotape of Jackson’s arrest, as well playing audiotapes of his journey to the police station. In the video, Jackson is shaking hands with officials, before they “peaceably escorted Jackson to a car.” During the car ride, the audiotape reveals that Jackson answers a deputy’s inquiries by saying he was “fine” and “wonderful” and occasionally singing and whistling to himself. But what about the doo-doo charges? According to Sheriff Jim Anderson, that’s just what the charges are; DOO-DOO. “The washroom had just been cleaned before Jackson used it,” countered Anderson, who then cryptically added if Jackson’s accusations are proven groundless, the department would pursue charges of filing a false report. For Michael Jackson, the doo-doo continues to hit the fan.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

It’s 2004, and that means it’s time to make and break a whole new list of New Year’s resolutions. Our hubby Kip has promised to stop bringing his work into the bedroom (Remember: he’s an orthodontist. Ick). Meanwhile, One Day has resolved to limit ourselves to only five Brazilians a year (the wax, not the nationality). But the Romano family are not the only ones making lofty un-keepable vows! In honor of her new album America’s Sweetheart, debuting on February 9th, Courtney Love has decided to clean up her act. “This coming year will be an opportunity to get my life back together,” said the nagging ex-wife of Kurt Cobain, who’s currently in rehab after a November drug bust which led to losing custody of her 11-year-old daughter. “I am a musician and that is how I want to be remembered. I know I have been labeled as a bit of a waster in the past. All I want to say is from now on all will be well.” What caused this change of heart? It could be another report that emerged today accusing the ex-Hole frontwoman of prancing nude around the halls of her rehab clinic–for THREE HOURS. According to an employee of the Wavelengths clinic in Malibu, “She was totally naked and acting totally off the wall. Nobody knew where to look and she wasn’t making a whole lot of sense.” For the 47th time, we think Courtney should get the benefit of the doubt. Maybe she was just showing off her plastic surgery?

FRIDAY, JANUARY 2

Don’t you just loathe North Korea? They are so troublesome with the whole Nuclear Weapon Issue. And that hair! We certainly understand why the Bush administration is at a total loss. The Bush Folk do not like the fact that the North Koreans have nuclear weapons. However, they feel awkward about saying it to their face or doing anything that might be unseemly. Don’t you just totally relate? For instance, today the Associated Press reported that the administration has “distanced themselves” from a planned visits to North Korea by congressional aides and private scientists. This is almost exactly how we “distanced ourselves” from a post-holiday visit to Kip’s cousins. It’s not that we want to cancel the trip, we just don’t want to seem excited about it–should it result in nuclear annihilation. We are considering economic sanctions, but will probably settle for a summit meeting, or as Kip calls it, a “family reunion.”

SATURDAY, JANUARY 3

Britney Spears married a childhood friend from Louisiana in an early morning ceremony today. But quickly remembering that he’s just some schmuck and not, as she had convinced herself, Colin Farrell, she arranged to have the marriage annulled. George Maloof Jr., owner of the Palms Casino Hotel and described as Brit’s “good friend,” confirmed that the 22-year-old pop star married Jason “Not the fat guy from Seinfeld” Alexander of Kentwood, La., about 5:30 a.m. Saturday at the Little White Wedding Chapel. Some sources reported the bride wore a baseball cap and torn jeans down the aisle and was escorted by a Palms limousine driver. Other sources named her escort as a hotel bellman. How can we trust entertainment reporters with these types of inconsistencies??! Anyway, while some Christians are questioning Brit’s intentions, we’re convinced she had Jesus in mind when she tied the knot. After all, she just wanted to get laid once with God’s blessing. Was it better, Brit?

SUNDAY, JANUARY 4

The NASA robotic explorer Spirit has made it to Mars! According to CNN, NASA said that mission controllers are closely watching the rover, which will probably not speak for a few hours while it snoozes after its long trip. (Is anyone else picturing Dagget from Battlestar Galactica?) The adorable metal mascot will then begin roaming the surface of the red planet in about a week once he completes his secret mission to rescue the Beagle II from the Martian Army, mine a better part of the planet for oil, and rendezvous with Boxey.