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Allow me to spoil the ending to the insanely popular podcast Serial: you’re going to be disappointed.

There’s just no way the very long episode of This American Life is going to have a satisfying ending. Sure, it’s fun listening to Sarah Koenig run around trying to understand why teenagers and police officers behave the way they do, but unless the show ends with a shocking confession, it’s going to be a let down. The ending will be Adnan is still in jail and everybody thinks he’s innocent except when they think he’s guilty.

But put those feelings aside because HE OBVIOUSLY DID IT. He did it. He must have done it. It’s just the only thing that makes sense. And don’t give me any of the “Jay” bullshit. Sure, he’s a liar and a weirdo, but that doesn’t mean he’s a murderer any more than Adnan’s charm means he’s not. He’s just lying to cover up his much bigger role in the whole thing. I mean, he claims he brought the shovels, but then just watched Adnan dig. There’s no way. Digging is hard. Nobody is going to dig a hole and just let you sit there watching. Especially a guy who just murdered somebody.

And the stuff he lied about was all trivial. Maybe it wasn’t a Best Buy parking lot. Maybe it was a Barnes & Noble or a Toys ‘R’ Us. So what? The only people who actually care which parking lot it was are the executives at Best Buy who have been getting some of the worst product placement ever. “Is the Best Buy parking lot a good place to murder somebody or just to smoke pot and make out? Find out today!” “This strangulation is brought to you by Best Buy. We probably don’t have pay phones!”

Everybody agrees that the prosecution’s case was weak—but that also doesn’t make Adnan innocent. The “false confession expert” thought the police actually did a good job on the investigation. And if you’re worried that this could happen to you, you could be accused of a murder and couldn’t prove your innocence, it’s unlikely because government spying has come so far in the last 15 years. All that “pinged a cellphone tower” crap is long gone. If Adnan waited until now to murder his ex, we’d have known exactly where he was every step of the way and whether those steps added up to his daily fitness goal.

Alex is a moderately attractive comedian and Internet celebrity. He writes about philosophy, robots, travel, and himself.

8 replies on “<i>Serial</i> Pessimist”

  2. That said, it’s a very well done podcast series, and if you’ve listened this far and aren’t coughing up a couple bucks for season two, you’re a jerk.

  3. Best Buy, Toy R’ Us, Library parking lot, Pool Hall parking lot, Denny’s, Joann Fabrics, Honey Baked Ham, Phone booth, Mr. Microphone, secret note, Baltimore, Menomonie Falls, Port St. Lucie, Casper, Pyongyang, USA, Faroe Islands, Eritria, Botswana, Earth, Rylos…..MINOR DETAILS WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE JAY’S JUST AN ECCENTRIC SHIT TALKING DUDE BRO BUT TOTAL TRUTH NAILER!

    I hope the eery piano intro haunts your dreams when we all find out it was the white guy ex-boyfriend.

  4. White guy was actually Hae’s current boyfriend at the time of the murder and boyfriend and his manager said he was at work that whole day. Also, Jay took the cops to Hae’s car. Also Jay knows exactly where the body is buried and how it was buried before that was publicly known.

    Those latter facts are everything. Either Jay is telling the truth or mostly the truth, or a 19-year-old weed dealer is a master framer with no discernible motive for such a baroque crime. There really isn’t a viable third theory that credibly answers why Jay would know those latter facts.

  7. I think I’m with you, CC, and the others in the “yeah, well, Adnan probably did it after all” camp (either that, or random serial killer guy), but there is a Jay motive. Everyone says he was screwing around on girlfriend Stephanie, and while Adnan was willing to not get in the middle of that or tell Stephanie, the series makes somewhat clear that Hae was not the type to so willingly turn a blind eye (planned to confront Jay about it, or tell Stephanie, etc.). So maybe Hae and Jay run into each other that afternoon, she goes crazy on him about the cheating on Stephanie (because: teenagers), he’s high and freaks out, and the next thing he knows he’s got a dead body to deal with. Total speculation, of course, and I’m really hoping Koenig doesn’t try to sell us on any specific answer in the last episode because that would ruin the storytelling up to that point, but there is at least a Jay motive out there.

    http://www.splitthemoon.com/wp-content/upl&hellip;

  8. Knowing exactly where a dead body lies doesn’t exonerate any more than it implicates.

    I’m sure there’s more to unfold. But like the expert said, the chances of having a charming, sociopathic 17 year-old stoner on your hands is so slim–one who hasn’t cracked, has been reticent at times to his detriment but hasn’t been called on any outright Jay-esque fib either.

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