Say what you will about bagpipes. Say what you will about unicyclists. Say what you will about people who dress up like Darth Vader, ride a unicycle, and play bagpipes. Say what you will about Portland’s Unipiper—but today, I say he is a hero. WATCH.

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)