Is there anything more hilarious than when Portland makes fun of Portland? It is so transparently self-conscious and self-flagellating when the locals turn on each other, stereotypes drawn like shivs. Take the recent I, Anonymous post that ran in last week’s paper, which takes down “Portland men” in anything but a general, sweeping way.
Portland men, I am onto you. You can’t hide behind your beards and your Levi’s, your fixed gears and your thick glasses, your affection for all creatures cute and fuzzy. I bet you like to dance, and you paint/draw/sew/play music. You say the most charming, adorable things. You have tattoos, or not. But if you do, I’ll bet you one million bucks there’s a “mom” one in there somewhere. You know your coffee and good food. Your record collection would make me blush. You like comics (see, you really are a nerd) but all of this, all this seemingly boyish charm you possess is all a ruse. I’m so effing sick of you all. You’re cowards, you hide behind those winter beards. You’re not special, not different. You all look the same. You end up with the same type of girl, and I’m so sick of your faces and your thrift store finds. Fuck fixed gears, by the way. Have you ever even ridden on a track??? I hope your knees go out from all your stupid track stands. You’re so caught up in keeping up this image. I’m just so over you all.—Anonymous
A lot of familiar refrains in there. Are we really still fighting about fixed gears? Anyhow, the boys of Portland have retaliated with a point-by-point back atcha that appeared in the I, Anonymous mailbox this morning:
Portland women, I am onto you. You can’t hide behind your fanny-packs and your leg warmers, your bi-curiosity and your knitting projects, your single speed bikes with baskets filled to the brim. I bet you love to do karaoke, and you bake/drum/garden/smoke pot. You say the most aloof, curious things. You have tattoos, or not. But if you do, I’ll bet you one million bucks there’s one in color. You know where all the free yoga classes and best photo booths are and you love a veggie potluck. Your cassette collection would make me hot. You love doodling in coffee shops (see, you really are an artist) but all of this, all this seemingly girlish allure you possess is all a ruse. I’m so effing sick of you all. You’re cowards, you hide behind those asymmetrical haircuts. You’re not special, not different. You all look the same. You end up with the same type of bearded guy, and I’m so sick of your faces and your clothing swaps. Fuck cassettes, by the way. Have you ever tried to find a song on a cassette??? I hope your bike breaks from all the stuff in your basket. You’re so caught up in keeping up this image. Will you go out with me? —Anonymous
I think the dudes win this round, myself. But feel free to keep the war raging over on the I, Anonymous forums. We thrive on your anger and bitterness, after all.
give me back my sonic youth tape
When I tell people here in San Francisco that I just moved from Portland, they look at me quizzically, like, “And where is that exactly?”
We are not the special snowflakes we think we are.
Then why is every mid-west asshole and his californian cousin moving here in droves?
Cheap housing.
Maybe people in SF are just too absorbed in their own Bay Area Bubble (patent pending). Americans, we’re infamous for our geographical ignorance.
And… dancing? No way. But this winter beard sure keeps my face warm. Good times!
The real creative types these days have crochet projects.
http://www.observer.com/2008/o2/beware-l-homme-fatale
Come now, hipster boys and girls! There’s no need to squabble! You ALL suck.
Also, kiala is signing on from San Francisco to let us know that people in San Francisco don’t think we’re neat. Thanks kiala.
You betcha. I’m here to help.
Oh what a good time had by all. I think valid points were made by both sides. A tad bit snarky, but that will get you just about anywhere won’t it. Portland : we breed beards, bisexuality and bitterness all year round.
And my comment, as usual with complaints about Portland is: Sure, it’s annoying, but it’s not like it’s dangerous or life threatening, so…Why, then?
Civilization, (n.): an advanced state of human society, in which a high level of culture, science, industry, and government has been reached, allowing the populace to find much more trivial matters to whine about.