If you haven’t noticed, the Scientologists have a brand new storefront in downtown Portland and it’s awesome. If you’d like to watch promotional DVDs while feeling like the men in suits who watch your every move might murder you, then this is definitely the place for you.
The Portland branch of the Church of Scientology—from the Greek words logia (the study of) and sciento (getting money from celebrities)—opened the new space in traditional North Korean fashion on May 11th. I was so intrigued to learn what these people Photoshopped into the publicity photo were celebrating, I thought I’d stop by with my trusty camera phone and give you a virtual tour of their new digs.
The most important thing when you judge a museum/church’s believability is the controls on the video players. These are top notch and prove that God lives in space.
The Sciency Totologists have lots of information to get across. For example, did you know L. Ron Hubbard looked pretty rugged? He did! The church’s founder looked like he was getting a senior portrait all the time.
For newcomers, they explained the basic tenets of their religion/business plan including their 21 Commandments.
These are fascinating.
#8 Do not murder. That’s FIVE BELOW “do not be promiscuous.” Saved the best for 8th, I guess.
#9 Do not do anything illegal. Seriously. Murder is a double no-no because it breaks two different rules.
#21 Flourish and Prosper. Very different from the Christian “it’s easier for a camel to fit through than the eye of the needle than for a rich person to get into heaven.” It almost makes you think they want your money.
#22 (implied) Round numbers are stupid.
The Scenic Toiletists have lots of different programs to help you, your business, and your community. In case you’re easily confused, they kindly gave each program a super obvious acronym.
It’s like each of their programs got its name by writing a letter to Dear Abby.
Stay tuned after the jump for by far the best discovery I made.
Like all Scientology Outlet Malls (I was told), this one comes with a Ghost Office for the boss man L. Ron Hubbard. If he ever comes back from the dead and wants a 1st floor office, they’ve got him covered, complete with lots of well spaced desk toys.
The only problem is L is gonna be pretty bored in this office. All he’s got to read is multiple copies of each of his books. He’s already read them, guys. Give him something he missed out on by being dead like Harry Potter or something.
Obviously the thing they want you to pay the most attention to is their WAY TOO LONG FOR A MUSEUM videos about how great L Ronald and the Scientologosts are.
The videos are mostly stupid, but a couple minutes into one about using E Meters (a key tool in Scientology, they monitor how much E you’ve been doing) I discovered this gem:
That’s right, THEYRE TESTING TEDDY BEARS FOR ENGRAMS! Okay, creepy cult. You win. If you can get those horrible chemical toxins out of that teddy bear and make him WISE, I’ll definitely join.
But how do they feel about fluoride?
I think we should cut these guys some slack. When you get right down to it, as hilarious as it is, this stuff doesn’t sound that much sillier than the tenets and beliefs of most other religions. It’s just that it’s newer and not as familiar to us.
As if spaceships and E meters are that much more crazy than dudes walking on water and flaming bushes serving as God’s microphone.
Most of us don’t have friends or relatives that are Scientologists, but we have plenty that are Christians or Jews (or subscribers to any of the other ‘real’ religions), and so we don’t pay Scientology as much mind. But it’s no more laughable than any of the others.
They’re all adult-versions of Santa Claus. And while most of them work to instill good morals and altruism, mostly they just succeed in deluding us and making us feel superior to they that believe in ‘the wrong God’.
I got my mom the Barnes & Noble E meter for Christmas. I think it’s called a Nook.
human in training, while I agree with you, I think the answer is not to ease up on ‘scientologists’, but rather put more pressure on the other religions as well.
@ frankieb:
Agreed. That’s pretty much what i meant, despite the way i started off my statement — that we should treat them all equally, as they are all basically the same. And it appears that i offended a few characters in doing so…Sorry that i’m not sorry, folks.
Fluoride was put on Teegack to burden humanity with body thetans and teeth.
What’s with all the making-up-names to insult?
This article reads like a middle school kid trying to sound cool.
The Scientologists may be brainwashed but the way this is written, it turns them into martyrs.
this stuff doesn’t sound that much sillier than the tenets and beliefs of most other religions.
This above is a standard line that scientology sock puppets use to distract. and it is BULL.
Hey Suzanna — you’re a dumbass.
Clearly you only read the first couple lines of my comment, otherwise you would’ve realized that i am quite far from being a “scientology sock puppet”. Much like your skills at reading comprehension, i think Scientology is bullshit. My point was simply that it isn’t alone in its realm of bullshitness, as it has great company with its pals Christianity, Judaism, Islam, etc., etc.
And are you seriously challenging my statement about the water-walking/talking, flaming foliage vs. spaceships/e meters thing? A couple of those things sound reasonable to you, do they? Are you one of those that thinks Jesus broke his mother’s hymen on the way out of the womb and that all women are descended from some dude’s rib, yet you dismiss as hogwash stuff that is just as outrageously and hilariously fictional simply because it’s found in a book outside of the Bible?
Scientology is different from other major regions. “I am a tad old-fashioned: I think that a charity should be charitable. And charity is at the heart of all mainstream religions. St Paul assures us that we are nothing, if we ‘have not charity.’ To the Buddhist, the Christian caritas — caring for another without want of reward — is an essential teaching. Muslims believe that the giver should be grateful to the beggar, not the other way round. Jews, Jains, Zoroastrians and Hindus all teach charity as a principle virtue. Only Satanism and Scientology do not…”
http://tonyortega.org/2013/05/25/jon-atack…
Odd, it doesn’t seem any less nonsensical than most other “religions”. Lets see, selling “indulgences”, “Honor” killings, shooting a 15 year old girl in the head because she wants to go to school……Yep these here Scientologists are kooks alrite!
@tv mex, that is pretty much their level of humor. I did not see how it portrayed them as “martyrs” personally