I’m a gay man in his early 30s who’s into sex stripped down to its most basic elements: tops come in, fuck me, come and go. I’ve moved to a new city. One guy in his mid-twenties came over, and we had awkward but passionate sex like that. We chatted a little afterward. I went to his apartment to see him a week later, and we did it again. It was hot; we had chemistry. Turns out, he’s also new in town. He’s from a conservative part of the country and says I’m the second man he’s ever had sex with. He’s got a lot of things I look for in romantic partners: smart, cute, soft-spoken, driven, and into his job. The bad part is that he’s in management training for a problematic fast-food company, and while he’s fairly apolitical, he says he will “probably” vote for Trump.
While there are certainly plenty of gay conservatives, I feel like he’s someone who hasn’t seriously given a lot of thought to politics outside of his strong belief in free enterprise. This isn’t someone who thinks a lot about intersectionality or who has interrogated the way capitalism exploits. He wants to be a good boss. You said once not to fuck Republicans because they should go fuck themselves. But I feel like there might be something here I can draw out of him. At the very least, his desire for kinky gay sex might make him willing to hear me out about my sharply divergent politics. But I don’t want to entertain someone who just wants his cake (my ass) and the license to eat it (his abhorrent politics), too. But the sex is good, and I like the idea of fixing him. What to do?
Aroused Slut Sees Ultimate Potential
For decades, ASSUP, I have urged sane gay men not to fuck gay Republicans — gay Republicans can go fuck themselves — but in 2015, I singled out one gay Republican in particular that I didn’t want other gay men fucking: Tim Miller, former campaign staffer for John McCain, former spokesman for the Republican National Committee, and at the time of my tweet, communications director for Jeb Bush. Seeing as Tim is no longer a Republican (but still a gay man), and seeing as my position on fucking gay Republicans hasn’t changed (just say no), I thought Tim might be able to offer you an unbiased answer. Despite my having urged other gay men not to suck Tim’s dick (without effect, it seems), Tim graciously agreed to weigh in. His response follows…
Yo ASSUP.
As a former Republican who Dan once tried to cockblock on account of his political views — unsuccessfully, I might add (very unsuccessfully) — I appreciate where your head is. Your instinct is downright humanitarian. It’s in line with the message Barack Obama delivered at the DNC convention. No, not the dick joke, the part where he said, “Everyone deserves a chance, and even when we don’t agree with each other, we can find a way to live with each other.” And here you are giving this hate chicken middle manager a chance to live in you! It’s a beautiful instinct really. Who knows, with your vice grip on his dick, maybe this young gay conservative might blossom into a coconut-pilled podcast host who eviscerates any MAGA moron that dares cross his path like yours truly.
On the other hand…
It’s 2024, not 2014. Donald Trump attempted an insurrection. He’s currently advancing a racist conspiracy about Black immigrants abducting and eating house pets. He is a worthless shart stain with no redeeming qualities or virtues and that’s been abundantly clear to anyone with a brain for at least nine years now. Being for Trump at this point… it’s not exactly the same as just mindlessly supporting Tom Tillis. It’s an act of active malice or supreme stupidity.
So, like you, ASSUP, I’m torn. Not a great quality in an advice columnist but unfortunately for you Dan passed your question off to a substitute.
I guess my ruling comes down to a practical calculation. If he lives in a swing state, hold your hole hostage until he pledges to support Kamala. We can’t fuck around with so much on the line. If he doesn’t live in a swing state, well, give it a few more whirls, at least until he reveals himself to be intentionally awful. Who knows what could happen, right? After all, we are the ones we’ve been waiting for, maybe your hole has the change he seeks. — Tim Miller
I wanna thank Tim — both for offering you some advice, ASSUP, and for eviscerating MAGA morons five days a week on The Bulwark’s flagship daily podcast — and I wanna officially lift my fagwa against his dick: gay men everywhere can suck Tim’s dick without incurring my wrath.
I also wanna expand a bit on something Tim said: can your hole — can anyone’s hole — change a person? While I think some people are too far gone for hole (or pole) to save (you can’t fuck the Nazi out of someone), some people don’t ever think critically about political beliefs instilled in them by rightwing families or churches until challenged by someone they’ve just fucked and wanna fuck again. There’s something magical about the combination of sexual attraction, limerence, and oxytocin, the “love hormone” that floods our systems during really good sex. When all three come together, ASSUP, it can open a person up in surprising ways. So, while it took the nomination of Donald Trump for Tim Miller to see the GOP for what it was (and Tim has gone on to do amazing and important work in the fight against Trump and Trumpism), for other former gay Republicans it was something a guy said to them during their refractory period — that moment when minds and asses gape open — that made the difference.
So, you have my blessing, ASSUP, to keep fucking this guy. But to assuage your guilt (and avoid my wrath), you should gently draw this man out about his politics (and his fast-food preferences) after he unloads in you. (There’s no better time to get someone to, um, interrogate the way capitalism exploits.) If thinking a little more deeply about his vote is the price he has to pay to keep unloading in you — if he knows he’s going to have to defend the indefensible when he sees you again — he may wind up voting for Kamala Harris along with you and me and Tim and all the other gay men out there with their heads screwed on straight.
You’ve got a little less than six weeks to fix this guy, ASSUP, so we’re gonna need you to douche daily and spend as much time in this man’s apartment — and on this man’s dick — as you can between now and November 5th. Your country is counting on you.
Tim Miller is the author of Why We Did It: A Travelogue from the Republican Road to Hell. Follow him on Twitter @timodc and Threads @timmillergram.
