I’m a male in my late 60’s with what I think is an unusual problem. My wife of almost 40 years and I have a good sex life and it’s gotten better since the kids moved out. Every two or three days, I give my wife a neck and deep gluteal massage and then she gives me a blow job. Sometimes I manually stimulate her to orgasm, usually while I’m in her mouth. We both enjoy this routine, but in the past three or four years, she has occasionally wanted vaginal sex, which we used to have, and I can’t get quite hard enough to perform. After I penetrate her, we have sex for a while, but I don’t orgasm. When this happens, I wash myself and she gives me a blow job, but she’s frustrated because she thinks the problem is her when the problem is all mine. She worries I don’t find her attractive anymore, which couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve tried three prescription medicines, but none helped.
I think that my problem is that I’ve always enjoyed oral sex more than vaginal sex, so I have no problems getting erections for oral sex, and I don’t get quite as excited when we have vaginal sex. She has suggested that I contact a psychologist who specializes in sex therapy, but they’re expensive and I don’t think they will be any help. Any suggestions?
Blow Jobs Often Better
The problem isn’t that you don’t find your wife of forty years attractive — the double negative was impossible to avoid — but that you’ve always found oral sex more arousing. Oral was always likelier to get you there and it may not be as simple as preference anymore: sex acts/positions/narratives that were arousing enough to get us there at thirty — things that made you hard and kept you hard enough to get you off — may not be arousing enough to get us hard, keep us hard, etc., at age sixty.
Meanwhile, BJOB, your wife wants to bring PIV into regular rotation because… well, I can only speculate. Maybe vaginal intercourse is more pleasurable for her. Maybe she wants to look into your eyes once in a while instead of your lap. Maybe, after nearly forty years, she’s done sucking your cock. (That happens — and usually a lot sooner.) And just as it’s gotten harder for you to obtain and sustain an erection as you’ve grown older, BJOB, the work it takes to suck you off — they’re called blowjobs for a reason (har har) — has gotten harder for her as she’s grown older.
I would urge you to go see sex therapist together, BJOB, someone who can facilitate a conversation between you and your wife about shared sexual interests, aging bodies, what once worked, what still does, etc. A good sex therapist can help you find compromises and hacks that make sex better and more enjoyable for both of you — and maybe hearing you tell someone else you’re still attracted to your wife will convince her it’s true.
A few practical sex tips/hacks: Instead of starting with vaginal intercourse and then pivoting to oral — after breaking for a quick whore’s bath — why not start with oral, get really close (say it with me, kids: get or get gotten to the point of orgasmic inevitability), and then finish with vaginal? And if being manually stimulated to orgasm is good enough for your wife (most of the time), BJOB, it should be good enough for you (most of the time): while they can be annoying to clean, a high-quality Fleshlight masturbatory aide — when lubed up and wielded the right way — can come pretty close to simulating oral sex. And using one (the wife’s job) and then cleaning one (that’s your job) is lot less work than giving a blowjob. Get some vibrators while you’re toy shopping, a couple of penetrative toys, and — if it’s long penetration sessions your wife wants — get a dildo harness.
And then when your wife does suck your dick, BJOB, you’ll know it’s because she’s feeling it — she’s in the mood to suck dick and wants to suck yours — and you’ll be able to relax and enjoy the blowjob without the guilt.
Read the rest of this week's column here! And on the Lovecast this week: A man has a 22 year-old nephew who he suspects is gay. The lad is immersed in conservative Christian culture, and if he is gay, has let no one know. Should the caller broach the subject and try to inspire him to find a version of Christianity that will accept him? Or keep his avuncular mouth shut?
On the Magnum, Dan welcomes back Tawny Lara, aka The Sober Sexpert, and the author of Dry Humping: A Guide to Dating, Relating, and Hooking Up Without the Booze. She is on to talk about partying like a sorority sister without all the champagne or cocaine. And she encourages an embrace of Damp January—you know, drink a little less maybe?
