I’m a 28-year-old woman married to my husband, a 29-year-old man, for almost two years, and we still haven’t had sex. We met through mutual friends, dated for less than a year, and we knew pretty quickly that we wanted to get married. Things between us felt right. We genuinely liked each other, and everything felt pretty great. On our wedding night, we decided to leave the hotel early to spend time with family since many had traveled far for the wedding. After the wedding, life got hectic. Before we realized it, months had passed. I initiated intimacy a few times, but we never followed through. I’ve brought it up multiple times, and he always says he feels self-conscious about his body but promises to try harder. We even scheduled times for intimacy, but when the time came, he was either too busy or he would ask if we could try tomorrow instead. I’ve given him oral sex and a hand-job but other than that nothing. Yes, we were both virgins on our wedding night, and I guess we still are.
Every time we have a heart-to-heart, he promises to do better but nothing changes. I’ve stopped bringing it up because I feel like I’m nagging, but it’s breaking me inside. We’ve talked about wanting children and when we should start trying, but it feels so painful to have those conversations when we haven’t even had sex yet. I feel heartbroken watching our friends start families while we’re stuck in this place. I don’t know if therapy would help, or if I should involve his parents, or if I need to worry about something/someone else or if I should accept that this might never change. I feel lost. Has anyone else been through something like this? What would you do?
Married In Name Only
I would leave.
Zooming out for a second: Anyone reading this who wants to be sexually active in the context of a sexually exclusive relationship… yeah, you’re gonna need to establish sexual compatibility before the wedding. If a good sex life is important to you — if you want more out of marriage than companionship and/or a good coparent and/or a nice tax break — FFS don’t wait until after the wedding to see if the sex works. Fuck before getting married, before getting engaged, before going steady. Fuck first.
Alright, MINO, there’s clearly something your husband isn’t telling you — something you had a right to know before you married him — and you need to ask yourself how much time you’re willing to waste before you find out what that thing is.
Best-case scenario: Your husband agrees to therapy, MINO, and you somehow manage to find the perfect therapist right away, i.e. the kind of therapist with the power to heal their clients in one or two visits. And then, at your second appointment with this miracle-working therapist, MINO, your husband tells you that thing you had a right to know before you married him and it turns out to be something silly and trivial and — now after that silly and trivial thing is out in the open — your husband is in such a hurry to fuck you that you wind up having PIV sex for the very first time in the parking garage of your therapist’s office building.
Worst-case scenario: Your husband eventually agrees to therapy, MINO, but years go by before your husband finally levels with you about the thing you had a right to know before you married him and it’s not something silly or trivial and saying it out loud doesn’t make it go away and you have to live with the realization that you didn’t just waste years of your life on a man who couldn’t love you the way you deserved to be loved, but you wasted those years on a man who could see that sexual rejection was breaking you and he didn’t love you enough to let you go when you were still young enough to start a family with someone else.
P.P.S. You don’t need a therapist, you need a lawyer.
P.P.S. Don’t involve his parents — they don’t know what you don’t know and they can’t force him to tell you and they might be the reason he’s not telling.
 What do you recommend doing if you have a good friend who is dizzyingly hot, totally off limits, and has been flirting with you for two years?
I am conflicted because I find it pretty fun, but I periodically feel guilty because he is in a monogamous relationship and has a new baby. On the other hand, it’s limited to him making sorta mild flirtatious comments and sending occasional (fully clothed!) selfies. I don’t think I’m misreading the situation here, as I’ve spoken at length with friends and my partner, all of whom all joke about his glances and body language around me. I have pretty good self-control, and I don’t want to be party to him blowing up his life because he is my friend, first and foremost, and I don’t think he wants to blow up his life, seeing as flirting hasn’t escalated over time. And despite the chemistry that’s obvious to the people around us, I don’t get any sense that it pisses off his partner when the three of us hang out.
However, I’m writing to you for a gut check. The photos feel like a little step over the line, and I redirect the conversation when he sends them and don’t send any photos in return, but I’ve never shut him down explicitly. Should I? I’m trying to be a good, if horny, friend, but I worry that I’m enjoying this hot, funny, tattooed guy’s ridiculous teasing too much. What are the ethics here, Dan? Do I need to shut this down entirely or lay down clear boundaries?
Friendly Lad Is Really Tempting
For all you know, FLIRT, Mrs. Tattoos puts on a brave face when her husband flirts with you in front of a room full of people — she clocks how he looks at you, she clocks how you look at him — and then cries herself to sleep at night from the humiliation of it all. Or Mrs. Tattoos is a cuckquean and, although they’re monogamous, she encourages her husband to flirt with hot women in front of other people and comes extra hard from the humiliation of it all. Or Mr. and Mrs. Tattoos are monogamish; for some couples “being monogamish” means there’s some allowance for outside sexual contract, FLIRT, for others it means they don’t have to hide evidence they’re attracted to someone else. So long as crushes remain crushes — so long as flirtations don’t become action plans — they’re allowed.
Basically, FLIRT, other people’s marriages are a mystery. In normal circumstances, these mysteries are none of our business — but seeing as your sustained flirtation with Mr. Tattoos has created an ethical dilemma for you, FLIRT, their mystery is now your business. Because if what you’re doing is hurting this other woman — if this is causing her pain — you don’t (or shouldn’t) want any part of it. So, I recommend putting the dread direct question (DDQ) to this Mr. Tattoos: “Does it bother your wife when we flirt? I know it can’t go any further than flirting — because your marriage is monogamous and I respect that — but if what we are  doing is hurting your wife’s feelings, we should stop. So, does this bother her?”
If Mr. Tattoos says it’s killing his wife — if he admits she’s crying herself to sleep at night from the humiliation of it all — then you can bet he’s telling the truth. If he tells you his wife is fine with it… or that she likes it… there’s a chance he’s telling the truth… given as his wife seems unbothered by it… but “she’s fine with it” is exactly the sort of lie a married man might tell a third party about behavior that is hurting his wife. So, if you get the first response — it’s killing his wife — stop flirting with him. If he tells you his wife is fine with it, FLIRT, and you wanna make absolutely sure he’s not lying to you, then you’ll need to ask him the OFQ (obvious followup question): “Can I ask Mrs. Tattoos about that?”
Read the rest of this week's column here! And this week on the Lovecast:Â A man is curious, confused, and bewildered about what lesbians mean when they say they have sex.
On the Magnum, Dan’s been talking about bisexual men quite a bit on the show. Are they the luckiest bastards ever, or do they have a rough row to hoe? For this very special “What Are You Doing?” segment, Dan brings on Sam Lent who self-identifies as “A shameless woman who seeks bi men to fuck.” How does she search for them? How do bi and straight men differ? And why are the men of Denver so very into pegging? Sam thinks bi men are a national treasure, and we think Sam is pretty awesome. LISTEN HERE!
