Hello, and welcome back to the Trash Report! It’s me, Elinor Jones. I’m so glad you’re reading this. All I want to do is make little comments on things that I see in the news, and this column is where I get to do that in a way that doesn’t make my life partner ask me who I’m talking about, which then makes me upset because I don’t like what kind of news the algo feeds middle-aged men. (“Did you hear they might reroute the flow of traffic by my work?” What? No! That’s not what phones are for!!) Join me in this biweekly celebration of my algo, which is a kind and loving algo, that teaches me about things like this:
Gourd Bless America
Another autumn fading to winter, another election season gone. I don’t know about you all, but this one felt much lighter than others of recent years, probably because it felt so written in stone that Republicans were going to get their shit rocked (in a bad way). Former president Barack Obama carried headlines as the elections wound down, and he was out stumping for Democrats in competitive races while getting under Trump’s very thin, very bruised skin. One of those soundbites likened Trump’s penchant for redecorating to “Saddam Hussein opened a Cheesecake Factory.” Much like daring to wear a tan suit to work, this set many people into an absolute frenzy. “How dare he,” spat people who say nothing when children are murdered at school. The Cheesecake Factory defended itself against the accusations and their designer actually sounded a little bit hurt by the commentary: “I just don’t know who gave them that quote and why they thought that was a good one to use, but it’s a little bit sad. But the good news is we’re talking about design right now.” Aww! Goddamn these earnest, yet crappy designers for making me pity a billion-dollar company! We should not feel bad saying their stuff looks like ass! JD Vance went with the Obama-is-an-elitist response, while Trump turned to bragging about how $5,000 couldn’t even get a person a cheeseburger at Mar-a-Lago. Yes, and it is the Democrats who are the elites. Is it freakin’ infrastructure week again? Because these dudes cannot get their messaging dialed in! Then Trump said that such a comment is why Obama was a “lousy president.” Yes, because presidential historians always care the most about a president’s design style. Chapter One of any good biography is a president’s preferred column type, and whatever after that is just filler.
Elsewhere in midterm news, two MAGA influencers who attempted to show weaknesses in Minnesota’s voter registration system by showing up in burqas and claiming Muslim identities have been charged with felony unlawful voting. If convicted, they won’t actually be able to vote anymore. I have some issues with people with felonies not being able to vote, except for in this situation, when it is very, very funny.
Relationship News
Dakota Johnson and Machine Gun Kelly still appear to be dating. Many people have been caught off-guard by the news, including me. I mean, Johnson’s last boyfriend was Coldplay’s Chris Martin, who used to be married to Gwyneth Paltrow. He was a Serious Person, and now this guy? I do not understand her type. MGK is easier to figure out, as his last partner was Megan Fox; clearly the man likes smokeshows with long dark hair. In other words, he is a heterosexual man with a beating heart and functioning eyeballs.
One couple who had made tabloid waves a couple of years ago has apparently quietly called it quits: 74-year-old football coach Bill Belichick and 25-year-old Jordon Hudson broke up last year after three years of making everybody feel weird and confused. They say that they remain close friends and devoted to their shared business ventures, which I interpret to mean that Jordon remains devoted to letting Bill give her money to do whatever she wants. And you know what? Good for her! She dated a man 50 years her senior with beauty pageant clothes on her body and a bleached-white smile on her face. She deserves to live out the rest of her life in comfort.
At Sea Forever No More
A Florida-based company that sold guests a “forever cruise” kicked everyone off the ship in Cambodia last month after running out of money to pay for fuel. This was mostly due to Trump’s pointless war in Iran that sent fuel costs soaring, but partly because it turned out that not that many people had hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend to live aboard a ship. The only time cruises seem to make it onto the news is when everybody on board gets diarrhea, so how exactly were they surprised that people weren’t lining up for a spot?
Speaking of permanent vacations, veteran actor Patrick Stewart passed away last month at the age of 86. Stewart was most known for his role as captain Jean-Luc Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation, but he’s also been widely recognized as an inspiration for many legit astrophysicists. My takeaway here is that if you are interested in space travel, but lazy about homework, you can simply get into acting, become incredible at it, find a role in a non-Earth project, have this role become generationally iconic, and then boom: space cred. So easy, and you never have to figure out math!
Very Sexy Doctor
People magazine named The Pitt’s Noah Wyle this year’s “Sexiest Man Alive,” and I’m not mad about it! The Pitt is an incredible show and Wyle is amazing in it. Much like how many nerds probably assume Patrick Stewart would have known his way around the moon if pressed, I think any single one of us, if we were on a flight when someone was experiencing a medical emergency, we would not just turn to Noah Wyle for help, but we would fully trust whatever he wanted to do. Dr. Robby is just the kind of mentally unstable beautiful genius that any one of us girlies would love to try to fix. Amy Poehler agrees: Wyle recently went on her podcast and she told him she thinks he deserves smooch breaks between the gore and sadness. She also suggested there be more nudity than just like, cutting off people’s clothes after they have experienced a medical trauma. The Pitt of despair? Yeah, dis pair of buttcheeks.
You, Tonya
In local trash, Oregon icon Tonya Harding is returning to figure skating with some shows in Vancouver in December. Harding had been banned from competitive skating since having been convicted of conspiracy in relation to the attacks on Nancy Kerrigan ahead of the 1994 Olympics. When asked about her reasoning for returning to the sport after all these years, Harding said “I just can’t walk away.” Interestingly, “I just can’t walk away” is also what Nancy Kerrigan said after her famous run-in with one of Harding’s ex-husband’s buddies.
In other local news, there is an annual bat beauty contest hosted by the Bureau of Land Management, and Oregon’s submission this year was a little cutie named Ryan GosWING. Bat puns! Incredible. Having known nothing about this contest previously, giving bats punny names is now my passion. Here are a few ideas for next year, just hastily assembled from this single column: Batrick Stewart. Noah Flyle. Megan Flying Fox. Gwingeth Paltrow. How is naming bats not my actual job? This is too easy. The Cheesececholation Factory. Give me a Pulitzer, I could keep going.
That is all for this week, sweet angel Trash Pandas. Thank you for reading. Thank you for voting. (If you don’t vote because you feel there is no point, kindly unread this column and rethink your choices!) I hope that this is a week that gets all of us feeling a little bit more relaxed, and a little bit more optimistic. We deserve good things.
Democratically,
