Savage Love

I am obsessed with my girlfriend sitting on my
face, so I can eat her out while my nose penetrates her. It drives her
crazy as well. I am wondering if you have heard of a dildo that could
be mounted on my face, specifically on my nose, so that I penetrate her
more deeply while she sits on my face and I lick her clit? Basically, I
want her to be able to really ride my face while I lick her
clit.

-Strange Fantasy Dude

“Sadly, there’s no out-of-the-box solution I can recommend,” says
Cory Silverberg of Come As You Are, Toronto’s worker-owned-and-operated
sex shop. “There are harnesses that are meant to strap on to the head,
like the Head-On Harness available at Stockroom.com. But it covers the mouth.” So
you wouldn’t be able to eat your girlfriend out with one buckled to
your face.

Cory continues, “And there is the often-poked-fun-at Accommodator.”
(A latex harness that straps a dildo to your chin and looks just as
ridiculous as it feels.) “But it isn’t hollow, so it couldn’t be worn
comfortably over the nose,” he says. And finding something that fits
comfortably over your nose is going to be your biggest problem.

“It would need to be hollow,” explains Cory, “but it would need
enough heft such that it wouldn’t be constantly buckling and hitting
you in the mouth or between the eyes. The tricky thing is that the nose
is so close to the eyes, so anything with straps might dig in or at
least go over the eyes in an uncomfortable way.”

So what do you do?

“Get in touch with a good harness maker and ask if they do custom
work,” Cory recommends. “One of my favorites is Outlaw Leather in
Seattle (www.outlawseattle.com).” Outlaw
Leather produces high-quality dildo harnesses and could, in theory,
make you a dildo harness that fits comfortably over your nose. Custom
work is expensive, of course. “But no one said dreams came cheap,” says
Cory.

But if you’re going to go the custom-made route, SFD, I think you
might have better luck with a custom-made hood. They’re designed to be
worn over the nose, and most have mouth openings. You could easily have
one made with a wider mouth opening and an extended nosepiece.

“You could also go the Cyrano de Bergerac route,” says Cory, “and
look into getting a high-quality prosthesis that fits over the nose.”
He thinks the folks lurking at Pinocchia (forums.pinocchia.com)—a site
for guys into girls with big noses—might have some idea where to
get a prosthesis.

I’m a 30-year-old, mildly genderqueer,
bi-leaning-het male virgin. I’m not uncomfortable around
women—pretty much all of my friends are women—I don’t
really have any confidence issues, and I know I’m not a prude. But for
reasons too complicated to get into here, I just haven’t gotten around
to screwing anybody yet. I’m waiting for the right person, and it just
hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to have sex with somebody who’s drunk
or emotionally vulnerable, or manipulate anybody, and it’s very
important to me that sex be (among other things) a form of affection
and not isolated sex-for-sex’s-sake.

I know I’m the only person who can answer the question of whether I
want to have sex right now. But do I need to have sex right now?
Because one day I’m going to fall in love, and it’s going to get
sexual. The message I hear from a lot of people I respect is that I’m
going to pay a price for waiting until then to get laid. Am I? Am I
probably going to be okay?

-Virgin At Thirty

Yeah, you’ll be okay—but by ruling out drunks, the emotionally
vulnerable, and the easily manipulated, VAT, you increase the odds that
you’ll remain a virgin for the rest of your natural life. A lot of very
beautiful relationships—to say nothing of a lot of very timely
deflowerings—owe their existences to booze, emotional
vulnerability, and a little well-timed, well-intentioned
manipulation.

And wherever did you get the idea that sex-for-sex’s-sake can’t also
be affectionate?

I’m a 28-year-old woman. I’ve been with my current
boyfriend for five years. He’s married and has been telling me the
whole time that he’s going to leave his wife eventually. There’s always
an excuse: a crisis with the kids, money problems, etc. I’ve been
stupid to stay with him for so long, but I just can’t keep away from
him.

I just found out I’m pregnant, and I haven’t told my boyfriend. This
is the second time we’ve been pregnant. Last time he reacted very
badly, and I miscarried after a few weeks. I know he’ll want me to get
rid of the baby, but I’m going to keep it.

Whenever his wife goes away, I go over to the house to spend time
with him. I’ve been planting evidence of our affair around the house in
the hopes his wife will find it. So far, no luck. I’d like him to be
man enough to leave her, but that’s probably never going to happen. I
could leave him, but if I do, I want to make sure he’s miserable. I’m
not going to vanish from his life and leave him all happily ever after.
I’m thinking of going and telling his wife. What do you think? Is there
any way I can force him to tell her?

-Now The Other Mom

No advice for you, NTOM, but plenty of prenatal sympathy for a poor
unfortunate fetus who deserves better parents or his very own
miscarriage.

I will, however, hold on to your letter. I’m going to forward a copy
to every doucheburst who writes in to tell me that gay marriage is
wrong because every child deserves a mother and a father. Moms and dads
can be great—I had a terrific set, myself—but mix-matched
genitals are not enough. Kids need loving, fit, and reasonably sane
parents. Having one twatted parent and one pricked parent does not
guarantee a happy childhood.

I am a straight, 18-year-old girl and a college
freshman. A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first
serious boyfriend, and since then we’ve been having sex several times a
day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because my
boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors. In crass and
abusive language, they told us to keep it down. I was mortified.
Post-note, I’ve been tense and nervous during sex, more focused on
listening for the neighbors than enjoying the act. This is upsetting me
terribly, and I don’t know how to make it better. Even if we are both
silent, the bed inevitably squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere
else on campus for us to go (I have three roommates who don’t get out
much.) What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation.

-Loud And Clear

Go buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The next
time you have sex, blast “You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When
You’re Makin’ Love)” at top volume. When the neighbors complain about
the music, tell them that they can listen to show tunes or put up with
the noise you guys make when you have sex—their pick.