[I’m off this week. Please enjoy this column that originally ran in December of 2014. — Dan]
What is your stance on maintenance sex? I’d never thought about the issue until reading Amy Poehler’s new memoir. I didn’t find anything she said controversial and was surprised when this quote blew up in the feminist blogosphere: “You have to have sex with your husband occasionally, even though you’re exhausted. Sorry.” I’d never realized many people firmly believe one should have sex with their partner only when they are in the mood! Some articles even made it sound like maintenance sex is a form of nonconsensual sex. I have sex with my husband pretty often when I’m not in the mood. He would prefer sex every day, and I’m more of an every-other-day or twice-a-week girl. I’d say about 25 percent of the time we are having sex, I am doing it for maintenance purposes. I always enjoy it and I get off the majority of the time, but I don’t always go in wanting it or needing it. Is this wrong? Am I not the feminist I thought I was?
Maintenance Sex Supporter
I’m pro maintenance sex, MSS.
Sometimes I need to sex my husband when I’m not feeling it; sometimes he needs to sex me when he’s not feeling it. But maintenance sex is not the same thing as enthusiastic sex. The person asking for maintenance sex — the horny partner who’s being indulged/milked/sexed by the non-horny partner — shouldn’t expect mind-blowing, toe-curling, sheet-shredding sex. Maintenance sex is mellow sex, low-impact sex, low-stress sex, it’s sex that requires minimal effort, and it’s likely to be non-penetrative sex — and gratitude is the only appropriate response.
