So Merlin was over the other night, because it was the season finale of The Bachelor, and we always watch The Bachelor, because it’s kind of our thing, even though I always know how it ends, because I’m Nostradamus. (Speaking of The Bachelor, though! Fuck Bryan, right? That dude suuuuuucks, and the only reason he “won” was because Peter didn’t want to get immediately engaged? That’s a perfectly reasonable stance, and maybe Peter deserves to be with someone who isn’t fixated on a ring and who can appreciate emotional maturity… RACHEL.) Anyway, during a commercial, Merlin starts talking about this eclipse thing. Of course he’s all excited, and wants to get a campsite, and order special glasses, and he keeps saying how, during the totality, his crystal ball will probably capture visions unlike any ever beheld.
“Merle,” I said, “you’re a nice guy, and no offense, but sometimes, I don’t think you really ‘get it.’ And by ‘get it,’ I mean, ‘comprehend that the upcoming solar eclipse will mark the END OF DAYS and plunge Earth into an ETERNITY OF DARKNESS through which humankind shall NEVER EMERGE!’