OH, BOY! Look what I just ordered for the Mercury office! It’s called the “Pure Stream Lotus Seat Toilet,” and it’s the newest thing in anal cleansing toilet systems—but OH! It’s so much more! Please watch the following informative and EROTIC video to see how Pure Stream can robotically perform the same job our interns do—and without all the complaining! AM I RIGHT, FULL TIME EMPLOYEES?
Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.) More by Wm. Steven Humphrey
You realize that this “patented” system is commonplace in Japan, right? Down to the butt-shaped doodle on the buttons. It was in the hotel room the first I spent there. What followed will remain a closely guarded but perennially cherished secret.
Yeah, you can buy them at Uwajamiya. I’m not sure why this is news, it’s a fucking bidet.
Hey, I never complained. That was Molly. But that’s because her technique was weak.
Dumb Bunny: I don’t believe I put a “news” tag on this post.
Why does it have to go below the toilet seat? Why can it not insert directly into the anal passage, and have a scraping attachment that cleanses one’s colon?
Also I like the bit of animation that shows the arm quickly moving out of the way when things get busy in the human release.
Wm.: “2 a: material reported in a newspaper or news periodical or on a newscast b: matter that is newsworthy”
Wm.: Keep it coming!
dumb bunny: Don’t be an ass.
At least Dumb Bunny chose an appropriate name for himself.