It’s the end of October and people are stressed. Worried about a Trump regime, worried for the safety of black and brown lives, stressed about keeping or finding homes in Portland. Please take care of each other, sweet readers! I genuinely believe that being a good and loving listener can allay fears, dismiss worry, and heal trauma, but ONLY when you are able to listen with love.
Of course I think this life should be a give and take of ideas, but there are some times when you MUST STFU and listen. If a loved one is relaying trauma, you STFU and listen. If you are a privileged person and your marginalized friend is trying to explain their experience, you STFU and listen. To support to a loved one in need, you must STFU and listen.
It sounds easy! But, like snapchat for people over 35, active listening can be confusing! Here are some tips to direct your supportive ear.
1. Recognize a person who needs you to listen. Someone who tells you, “I really need to talk” or a friend who is doing a lot of vague-booking or oversharing on social media. Pick a private moment and tell that person you are there to listen if/when they need you. Pick a venue to meet face to face; texts won’t do the job.
2. Be neutral. If your friend is visibly upset, you may feel urge to get upset with them. Don’t. If your friend is full of despair, sobbing in front of you, you might be tempted to mirror their emotions. Don’t. To do so would be confusing and co-opting your friend’s feelings. Keep your emotions under control, my empathetic readers, because this isn’t about you. Recently a friend offered to listen to me vent about a bad night I had doing stand-up; I gratefully accepted and was trying to keep it light, because I was a bit embarrassed. My friend did a very common thing that people do when uncomfortable, they laughed. They laughed in my saaaad face. They were following my joke-y lead, but that was the wrong call. The moral of this story is: your friend’s feelings might manifest in a number of ways. Stay neutral.
LISTEN TO ME: THERE ARE MORE TIPS AFTER THE JUMP
3) STFU. I’m a comedian, I know being quiet is hard. I know that silence makes you think it’s your turn to talk. I know you probably read an article and you REALLY think you can solve this problem. But if you are actively listening, you shouldn’t even be thinking about WHEN it will be your time to talk or what you’ll say. If you are ASKED your opinion, then you can think about how to respond. Be extra-thoughtful about whether your friend actually needs your point of view or if you’re falling into a role of being “the person with something to say” (I should get a medal for not saying “y’know, a man,” but I guess I would just have lost my medal with this sentence. Shrug.) My point is, RESIST and remember there will be PLENTY of opportunities for you to talk again very soon.
4) Use your body language. When you are giving your attention to someone, put your fucking phone down. Also, square your shoulders to them, cock your head, soften your gaze, keep your expressions neutral. If that’s too intimate for your relationship (or if you’re people trapped in a hyper-masculine gender role prison), try 3-point communication. That’s when you and your friend focus your attention on a benign shared activity while you talk. A long drive, a puzzle, staring into a fire, or sitting on a dock with fishing poles. I realize I just gave you a bunch of old man activities, but let’s be honest about who is trapped in gender role prison.
5) Ask questions. Asking clarifying questions to help you understand your friend is OK. Your job is to listen and comprehend, so if language is failing or limiting your friend’s expression (and if they are really upset, it will), ask what they mean. Try to be intuitive, but when that fails, just be a person and communicate.
6) Follow up, but don’t repeat. When your loved one has spoke their truth, hopefully they feel better and then the convo is over. Remember, there’s a special place in hell for those who use the guise of active listening to siphon information. Don’t repeat that story, because it’s not yours to share. Follow up a few days later to show the person extra love—you don’t have to make a reference to the information (they may not want a reminder), but a quick check-in will mean a lot.
Use these tools and get ready for all your relationships to get a lot more real! Listening is a huge gift to the person who needs it. And it’s free, so let’s spread some healing around.
Wishing you good sex, great love and many places to speak your truth,
@BriPruett
P.S. – If you are a person who is contemplating self-harm or suicide please call the Suicide Hotline 1-800-273-8255. You deserve to have a person listen to you. You are worthy of being heard, dear one. Hang on.
Bri I agree with you. When a person is at his/her wits end it’s best to let them rant, keep them calm…agree with them that the situation they’re in was the direct result of someone or some creepy organization. During the first couple visits to the friend in need be passive and comforting. However after a period (the larger the offense or insult the more time you give them) you gotta steer them to getting over it the best way you and the the emotionally injured person agree to. I should say, try to get them to agree to move on and don’t let it ruin their life anymore than it already has. I know easier said than done. Very good article. You’re funny and smart. You’re gonna go places in this here world girl.
^ ditto. I enjoy Bri’s light hearted humor but she’s showing some real heart here. I consider myself to be a good listener but I myself gleaned some great tips here. I’m looking forward to seeing more of this maturity in her future columns. it’s okay to write about sex in a funny way and keep the love part in there. Way to go BRI!