I’m going to quote myself at some length in this post, so brace yourselves. This is from a piece I wrote for the Portland Mercury’s 2008 “Back to School” issue…
“When you speak of this in future years… and you will… be kind.”
Right after she says that, the older lady in Tea and Sympathy fucks the living shit out of this hot high school boy—excuse me, makes tender love to this hot high school boy. It’s a selfless, altruistic act; she wants to help the boy prove to himself and others that he’s only sensitive and poetic, and not, you know, gay and homosexual.
The circumstances in Tea and Sympathy don’t precisely parallel the ones scores of Mercury readers over the age of 25 are likely to find themselves in soon. Very few of you are married to headmasters at elite prep schools, and still fewer would sleep with an actual high school student—however sensitive and poetic or gay and homosexual. But many of you will soon be fucking the living shit out Portland’s much younger people—all those fresh-faced new college students you’ll soon be spotting in Portland’s bars and coffee houses and crappy service-industry jobs. And while in most instances yours won’t be selfless or altruistic acts, you will be spoken of in future years by the younger people you fuck the living shit out of today.
And if you wish to be spoken of kindly—and you do—I’ve got a pretty simple rule for you.
The standard sex advice for older folks tempted to fuck the living shit out of younger folks is this: “DON’T!!!” While advising older folks to keep their paws off younger folks is an easy way for an advice professional to feel morally correct, it’s not terribly realistic or useful advice. [And I should know—I’ve give that advice myself.] Older people are attracted to younger people and vice versa. I could stand on street corners all over downtown Portland and howl about the inappropriateness of it all, but my efforts would be unlikely to prevent even one scorching-hot intergenerational facial.
But before we declare open season on the class of 2012, let me remind older folks who intend to mess around with younger folks—or those of you who wind up messing around with younger folks without premeditation—of something I like to call the “campsite rule.” As with campers at campsites, the older partners of younger people should always leave ’em in better shape than they found ’em. Don’t get ’em pregnant, don’t give ’em diseases, and don’t lead ’em to believe that a long-term relationship is even a remote possibility. Answer questions about sex, correct misconceptions they may have, show them where the clit is, make sure they know that birth control works, teach them to “just say no” to hard-and-evil drugs like meth and “just say yes,” in moderation, to soft-and-charming drugs like pot.
We should all, of course, do all of the above for all our sex partners, regardless of age. But the responsibility to behave ethically—which is no impediment to hot and nasty sex—is more pronounced. And if you do the right thing—if you honor the campsite rule and leave ’em in better shape than you found ’em—your younger lovers will always speak highly of you in the future.
And what’s in that for you? Well, good word of mouth is the best advertising… and the class of 2013 will be here before you know it.
First: Spooky, huh?
Second: We know that Beau didn’t emerge from his weekend-long affairette with Sam Adams pregnant—at least that’s what we know now—and if Sam had given Beau a disease or gotten him hooked on meth it seems highly likely that Beau would’ve worked those details into his interview with the Oregonian. So it looks like Adams honored the campsite rule. I’d say that Breedlove, however, hasn’t upheld what shall now be known as the Tea and Sympathy rule: When the younger person in an older/younger affair speaks of it in future years, he or she has a duty to be kind. If no harm was done to the younger person, then the younger person should strive to likewise do no harm. If the younger person remembers the affair fondly, if the younger person considers his or her former lover to be a friend, then the younger person shouldn’t speak of the affair—even kindly—when the younger person knows that doing so will wreak havoc on the life of his or her old fling, flame, fuckbuddy, etc.
Adams upheld the campsite rule. Breedlove hasn’t honored the Tea and Sympathy rule.
For the record: this judgement is based on what we know now. And upholding the campsite rule doesn’t make Adams’ actions any less foolish or reckless, it doesn’t make that the affair any less ill-advised, and it doesn’t mean that there’s nothing squicky about older, more powerful folks making out with teenagers in toilets.
UPDATE: “Maybe Breedlove is squealing because Adams did NOT honor the campsite rule,” writes a commenter over at Slog (where this is cross-posted). That’s entirely possible—and if that’s true, if Adams harmed Breedlove and Breedlove is speaking out for that reason, then Breedlove needs to drop the “I love Sam, Sam’s my friend, this was a great experience for me, I wasn’t harmed…” line that he’s peddling along with the damaging details of their affair. It’s strange to hear someone say things they know will do serious harm to someone they profess to like so much as a friend. It makes Breedlove look dishonest at best, unstable at worst. It undermines Breedlove’s credibility.
The more we learn the clearer it gets that Adams and Breedlove are both, to borrow a phrase, a little bit nutty and a little bit slutty. Adams should’ve known better, of course, and is more culpable, as the older person. But Breedlove-as-pure-victim doesn’t quite wash, does it
“I understand that people want to take Breedlove’s side, and see him as the victim,” writes a friend who is no fan of Sam Adams. He thinks Adams should resign. “You don’t kiss 17-year-old-boys in city hall. But we can think that what Adams did was wrong without checking our brains at the door. This Breedlove person — who isn’t a teenager anymore — seems like an attention-seeking nut. He’s speaking out of both sides of his mouth. He’s saying things that he has to know will destroy Adams while claiming to like him. He’s complaining about media attention to the media. If he likes Sam so much, and hates media attention, why is he giving interviews and talking to newspapers about his relationship with Adams? Too bad they can’t both resign.”
In the O article, Beau sounded coached. Very well coached. It’s way too early to say what rules were broken and by whom.
Did Sam really uphold your campsite rule? Did he “correct any misconceptions they may have” when he (admittedly) coached the kid to lie for him after? If so, he made the petard ‘pon which he’s hoist by the kid today. No tea or sympathy owed.
You’re twisting your own rule beyond recognition, Dan.
First, your application of the campsite rule to Sam concludes that since Sam didn’t get Beau pregnant, give him a desease or addict him to meth, Sam passed the test.
That sounds to me like a much looser standard than your original description. (Let’s call this the “Sam Adams addenda” to the campsite rule.)
Second, your new Tea and Sympathy rule is problematic in two ways. For one thing, the mere fact that Beau was interviewed by the Oregonian and told the truth only means that, at most, he’s done something ill-advised. His statements (as reported anyway) suggest that he thinks he’s being helpful to Sam.
Hurting someone by mistake can hardly be a violation of your rule, which presupposes *intentional* behavior. Kids are always going to do foolish and ill-advised thing; that’s why they’re kids. (It’s also why they aren’t legally allowed to consent to sex.)
In addition, while it may be ill-advised to talk to the press, it is probably only a matter of days before he is asked the exact same questions by an investigator from the DOJ, at which time he will be required to tell the truth. Requiring someone to obstruct justice just to meet your new rule makes your rule pretty suspect.
So Dan, I’ve had a great deal of respect for your work in the past, but you’ve gotten this one badly wrong.
In the law, there’s a saying: “bad facts make bad law.” I ask you to look forward, imagine a reader’s question and consider whether your new rules, as applied here, would be the same advice you’d give them.
I feel confident you wouldn’t apply the campsite rule/Sam Adams addenda to someone who lied and sanctimoniously cried “homophobia” but hadn’t given their partner a pregnancy, desease or addiction.
You also, I think, would waive your Tea and Sympathy rule in a case where the harm to the older partner occurred by the younger person telling the truth in a criminal investigation.
I’m still willing to forgive Sam.
However, I am also copyrighting the phrase, “A career ended with a kiss.” All users of the phrase will owe me a royalty.
So, Adams has been honorable for upholding this version of the campfire rule, whereas Breedlove has not. I was going to restrain myself from typing, “You’re kidding, right?” but being stuck in the Rochester, NY airport for eight has apparently drained my usual store of good will.
What doesn’t seem to be taken into consideration here, and regardless of whether you think Adams should be put in the stockade or deified, is that at 42 (now 45) you might expect him to act like a grown-up. I don’t know anyone in his/her right mind that expects the same of a 17-year-old. As for speaking now, at 22, Breedlove can speak to anyone he damn pleases; it’s not his responsibility, misplaced alliances/affections or no, to plug the dike that Adams, though his lying, breached.
If there is an angle here, I’d ask Dan to explain it. All I can see is tortured logic. Boring.
It’s not about the sex or Sam’s personal life.
It’s about lack of leadership, not being able to handle a crises, not showing up to work, and putting your own personal issues and drama above the work you were voted in office to do as a public servant. It’s about coaching others to lie for you during an election. It’s about hiring unqualified staff such as Amy Ruiz with insider connections, including a strong connection and friendship to Sam’s most vocal supporter, Dan Savage. It’s about cronyism and lack of respect and trust. It is about a leader that should show maturity and professionalism.
Repeat. This is not about sex or Sam’s personal life.
It’s strange to hear someone say things they know will do serious harm to someone they profess to like so much as a friend.
Unless, of course, the *whole* truth is much worse.
FGS, this is nothing more than a desperate attempt at damage control.
“Adams upheld the campsite rule. Breedlove hasn’t honored the Tea and Sympathy rule.”
I’m thinking it’s likely a good thing Savage isn’t consulted by the legal department of the Stranger/Mercury. Or apprently the editing department?
Breedlove was underage. There are no rules that should be applied to an underage child when a man twice your age sticks his tongue down your throat. That Savage expects Breedlove to follow his made up fairy-land ruleset but Adams to have free reign of a minor’s sexual upbringing is somewhat scary. And people take the advice of this man’s column?!
I was pleased to see Breedlove’s angle on what happened, and honestly not out of prurience. The interview cleared up the nagging age question reasonably well, however you choose to judge kissing a 17-year-old for about a minute.
Your campsite rule is very good regardless of age, but I don’t think someone who made out when he was legally underage has an obligation to gentlemanly discretion. The guy’s, what, 21 now? He’s still hardly bathing in worldly wisdom, and he must be under pretty intense scrutiny. They certainly didn’t teach being at the center of a media shitstorm when I was in school.
I think a lot of people are being blinded by affection for Sam Adams. If this were someone else, someone you didn’t previously like, would you still think what Adams did was okay and that Breedlove was the scoundrel, to use a Tea and Sympathy sort of word?
Since we’re getting all allegorical here, Dan, I’d like to pose a further question about your “campfire rule”…
What happens when reckless campers burn down the whole goddamn forest?
That’s whats happening now, and will continue to happen, long after Adams is recalled and relegated to the dustbin of lying sleazeball politicians with compulsive dysfunctions.
In the original WW article, it sounded like Breedlove was upset that Bob Ball’s reputation was damaged by the mess last year. I’d speculate that Breedlove is admitting, in a sort of half-assed way, that Ball’s allegations were at least partly right.
God, I’m getting tired of this wallowing in someone’s private life. I get the feeling Breedlove has an agenda and so I hope it takes a lot more than just his allegations to cost Sam Adams his job.
I’m hearing some say Sam is a “predator” because Breedlove was under 18 when the alleged kiss happened. I’m not getting the impression Breedlove qualifies as prey, are you?
I’ve even heard some people float the word “pedophile.” A true pedophile is interested in true children. At some point a person graduates from being a child to being a young adult. Let’s not confuse statutory abuse with true psychological pedophilia. A pedophile is primarily or ONLY interested in pre-adults. A predator tries to get a party interested in doing something against their interest or even against their will.
We should stop throwing around inflammatory terminology. It’s irresponsible. The lives and careers of two people are at stake here.
Yeah, so when 40-year old men are caught with their dick in the mouth of 17-year-old’s and they tell us it’s just this one time, we should let them go! Maybe make it a three-cocks-and-you’re-out* rule.
*Double entendre
@3.5:
“Yeah, so when 40-year old men are caught with their dick in the mouth of 17-year-old’s…”: That hasn’t happened in this case. Not yet at least.
The truth is bad enough. Stop spreading disinformation.
One of the articles last week had quotes from breedlove’s next boyfriend, who was also around 40. The guy likes older men, end of story…
With adulthood comes the responsibility to have a modicum of impulse control. The best way to leave a 17 year old’s “campsite” better off is to leave them alone.
I’ve even heard some people float the word “pedophile.” A true pedophile is interested in true children. At some point a person graduates from being a child to being a young adult. Let’s not confuse statutory abuse with true psychological pedophilia. A pedophile is primarily or ONLY interested in pre-adults. A predator tries to get a party interested in doing something against their interest or even against their will.
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