I’m a 27-year-old male engaged to a 26-year-old female. We have been together 6 years. We met at college. We’ve lived together for almost three years. We have been saving to buy a house together. Well, I have been. She makes less than me and has a lot more debt than me. We got pre approved. We found a house, loved it, got the offer in. Offer accepted. Home inspection went well. Now we are at the stage where the bank needs us to sign 60 documents in order to actually get the house.
Last night I found out that she has $90k more debt than I thought—$170k total. I found out this information from the bank’s loan application, not from her. I asked her countless times to sort out all of her debt and to figure out who she owes and how much so we can make a plan for a future. Wedding, children, schools, house, etc.. So, I developed a ten year plan to pay off our loans, buy a house, save for children’s future. Now with this new debt, we can’t pay her stuff off for twenty years.
Her lack of knowledge about her finances comes from laziness and apathy, not malice. She didn’t lie on purpose. She simply never bothered to do what she needed to do to make a plan. I’m pissed. I don’t know if I want to commit another ten years of my life to paying off her education, especially when now we can’t afford a house. I want vacations. I want a car. I want furniture. I want to go out to dinner sometimes. I want a wedding. I want college funds for my children. I don’t see any of this happening now. What should I do?
Fiancé Finance Fiasco
What should you do…
You should ask yourself this question: Do you want to spend the rest of your life with this particular woman—despite her debts; despite having to take charge of your shared finances; despite having to wait longer for a house, furnishings, a car, kids, vacations, etc., than you had hoped to—or do you want a house, furnishings, a car, kids, vacations, etc., as quickly as possible and who you share all that game-of-life crap with matters to you less than the timetable you were carrying around in your head?
I suspect you wouldn’t be asking yourself what you should do—or asking me what you should do—if you hadn’t already settled on an answer. Go ahead and do it.
This guy should be counting his lucky stars that he found out before he married this woman. All I can say is run unless you want to live in financial ruin for the rest of your life. I had a friend get trapped by a girl like this, she told him about 50-60k in college loans the day after they were married. In the state he lived in annulment wasn’t legally possible at that point and he ended up on the hook for half her debt when he divorced her 9 months later.
So, you met a woman when you were 21 and she was 20, and you have spent your time trying to build both of your lives up to the point where you can have the things you want out of life (a wedding, a nice house, a couple kids, vacations and dinners and basically an overall comfortable lifestyle). Meanwhile, it seems she either doesn’t share your desire for these things, or assumes that she can partake in these things on your dime because you’ve been Daddy-ing her all along and allowing her to be fiscally irresponsible by providing her with a lifestyle she cannot afford. Love is beautiful, but perhaps you should take some time to examine both of your values and goals, and determine if you really want to end up in the same place. The pay difference is one thing, but her blatant disrespect for your dreams and her debtors makes it seem like she can’t care for herself and she doesn’t really care much about you either. Is this the type of person you want to raise kids with, and someone you can count on to have your back? Is this the type of person who racks incurs debt responsibly (paying for college or other necessities) or the type of person who has and may continue to incur various debts that she knows she cannot afford (likely because she knows you or her parents have and will continue to fund her habits)? It sounds like you’ve been keeping her afloat, and she’s just being towed along into your plans because it’s a comfortable ride.
Get out! $170k in debt at the age of 26 and she doesn’t even own a car?? Dude you’re fucked. Get out while you still can! Holy fuck bro where do you think all that money went? Do not marry/impregnate this woman! Or else you will die sad and impoverished.
What a lame letter. Why even have the part explaining that her omission wasn’t malicious– are we supposed to believe (or believe that he believes) that laziness and apathy are virtues compared to malice? He seems completely oblivious to his own part in creating his dilemma. If they’ve been a couple for 6 years and living together for 3 years, he should have some ballpark awareness of her spending, just through observation. If her debt is all from school loans then it’s less heinous on her part… but since they went to the same school, wouldn’t he have some idea of that as well? Also seems beyond basic to get both parties’ finances checked out BEFORE putting down offers for a house.