I’ve been dating a guy for a month or so. Sex is really good, faulty compatible in other ways too. Nice guy really. But he has told me he likes to wear diapers sometimes. Not in a sexual way, and he said he doesn’t want me to do it with him. It’s just that every now and then he likes to wear diapers because they make him feel “safe.”
He says this behavior isn’t actually sexual for him but I’m having trouble believing him. And I’m not sure how I feel about it. I’m trying to think of more questions I can ask him since he seems open to telling me more about it. He’s told that this embarrasses him and that he wishes it wasn’t something he needed.
Please, if you have any insight into what to ask him or how to make sure I can keep this guy satisfied sexually as we move forward (if we do), it would be greatly appreciated.
Do I Ask Pooper Everything Respectfully
First things first: You shouldn’t assume (contra your sign-off) that Potential New Boyfriend (PNB) is pooping his diapers. Most guys who are ABDL — “adult babies/diaper lovers” — are only interested in wetting themselves, if that. (Some just like to wear ’em, not fill ’em.) It sounds like PNB is already struggling with kink- and/or sex-shame, DIAPER, and the assumption you’ve made about the extent of his diaper play… well, let’s just say it might put him on the defensive. Even if it’s accurate, DIAPER, which it most likely isn’t.
Moving on…
You have a hard time believing PNB when he says there’s nothing sexual about his interest in diapers, DIAPER, and that makes two of us. Seeing as he’s already succumbed to shame where his kink is concerned — or it might be more accurate to say he hasn’t dug himself out from under the shame almost all kinksters struggle with initially — he very likely struggles with the sex-negativity that comes bundled together with kink-shame. So he may have told you there’s nothing sexual about his thing for diapers, DIAPER, because he thinks that makes his thing for diapers seem less sordid and objectionable.
That said, DIAPER, “this make me feel safe” and “this makes my dick hard” aren’t mutually-exclusive phenomenon. Both can be true. (And if diapers really do make adults feel safe — we’re going to need some data on that — we could rebrand them as “portable safe spaces” and make them available at our better universities.)
Another clue there’s something sexual about this thing for diapers: not wanting you around while he wears them. Maybe diapers are private and something he enjoys alone… or maybe the sight of him in diapers makes the sexual aspect hard to deny. (“Is that gun in your diaper or are you just happy to see me?”)
I would advise you to say some vaguely affirming things (“Your diaper thing doesn’t bother me, PNB, and wouldn’t even if it were sexual”) without pressuring him to include you at diaper time. Don’t rush things — relationship-wise or diaper-wise. Focus on satisfying him sexually in other ways for the time being.
From someone who has been fairly out in the ABDL scene for nearly 20 years I can say, at the beginning it was sexual however over time it becomes more of a way of life. I now wear when out with other guys into it and we hang out having drinks, talking about the latest episode of a common tv show. Sure I think they are sexy on guys but for the most part it’s about putting them on them, not about having sex in them. Many guys have partners who get it or are open to understanding.
For me, it was something that I found was an interest at an early age and although I tried to get rid of the weird fetish, I couldn’t. I would throw them out and only end up wanting them again. I held it inside for many years due to shame until eventually as much as being gay, I came out with it. Its as much a part of me as being gay. I’m guessing it’s as much a part of him as well.