Love the podcast, Dan.
I’m in my very early 20s, gay cis male, living in the Emerald City. I’ve been seeing a guy for a few months now and I really love spending time together with him. He is a total catch: great personality, sane, good looks, etc. We’re not really a couple, but we are spending several days a week together: going to parks, bars, events, getting dinner, things like that… I’d really like it to evolve into something more long-term.
Unfortunately, it’s been horribly awkward when it comes to sex. I have zero sex drive when I’m spending time with him and I cannot get that hard at all. It’s fairly embarrassing and problematic because he has a fairly high sex drive compared to my other/previous partners. I’ve never had this issue and if I’m hooking up with someone else, I can get harder than a rock and will hump practically everything that moves.
I don’t really know what I should do. I feel like if I just tell him, “Sorry, my wiener doesn’t really like having sex with you,” it’ll just ruin the relationship… or perhaps he might think it’s my way of telling him that I’m not interested (when I really am). What do you think I should do? Is there anything that I should be doing differently? Should I tell him about my problem? Should we just part ways?
Sincerely Over Feeling Terrible
You don’t have to tell him about the problem—he’s already aware of the problem—you just need to broach the subject so you can discuss the problem.
And here’s what the problem is…
Sex with him is consequential. The stakes are high—or you perceive them to be high—because He Could Be The One. (No one is “The One,” as you know, since you listen to the podcast. But, hey, could be the .64 you’ve been looking for.) So it’s not just sex. You’re good at “just sex.” It’s sex that could potentially lead to something more.
What you need to tell yourself is… it’s just sex. You need to give yourself permission to fuck him like he’s “someone else,” i.e. just another hookup or rando. And you’ll be able to that if you can accept—really take to heart—a few things: sex isn’t going to make or break this relationship; he may or may not be The One/The .64 (odds are better he isn’t The One/The .64); almost all relationships “fail.” Force yourself to stop seeing this/him as a high-stakes prospect—stop thinking MY WHOLE FUTURE IS AT STAKE when you get naked with him—and see him instead as someone you really dig, someone you enjoy spending time with, and someone can fuck without the rest of your life being on the line. Because that shit is a boner killer, as you now know. And it’ll help you get there if you can laugh about this with him, if you guys can shrug this off together, and if you can both acknowledge together that, hey, this is great—but who the fuck knows where it’s going? And in the meantime, let’s fuck!
Finally, SOFT, there’s also a chance that you just don’t click sexually or chemically and that you’re destined to be friends. If you can get yourself to calm down about The Future and you still can’t get it up for him, SOFT, then you should listen to your dick and part ways.
