I met Long Distance Girlfriend two summers ago; she was 31, I was 25. Moved to a big city in her state after six months. Saw each other every other weekend. Met friends, parents, etc. We’d likely cancel out each other’s presidential votes in most normal years, though even she wouldn’t vote for Trump. Talked about marriage, some lifestyle compromises (eg: urban vs rural), etc., though not as fully as we probably should have. Big roadtrip over the summer, I asked her to marry me, she said yes. We didn’t tell anyone. I came back, met Someone Else. I told LDG about feelings for SE and we came back to this as a frequent topic of conversation. A month or so later I had a conversation with SE on the matter, broke up with LDG, and started seeing SE. FWIW, I see SE as more intellectually compatible, bolder, brasher, less empathetic, and better in bed.
Question: How big an asshole am I?
Male Serial Relationshippist
Answer: Size of Asshole (SOA) is very much in the eye of the beholder, MSR, and the beholder’s subjective, personal experience will largely determine their SOA estimates. Your ex-girlfriend/fiancé—LDG—would doubtless classify you as a huge asshole, MSR, because how dare you meet Someone Else and how dare you change your mind about spending your life with her after you two had already discussed who to vote for, where to live, and—details, details—after you’d gone and proposed to her. Your current girlfriend—SE—would come in with a very different SOA estimate; earlier in the relationship she may have classified you as a tiny asshole or even a rare-to-nonexistent non-asshole. Now, of course, some months into the relationship, she should be able to see you for the asshole you are—not too big, not too small, just right.
And for the record…
When we make a marriage proposal—when it’s made, when it’s accepted—we’ve taken a big step toward making a lifetime commitment. But the proposal by itself isn’t that lifetime commitment. Proposals, unlike marriages, are relatively easy to extricate ourselves from. By design. So…
“We’re engaged!” = “We’re planning to get married and at our wedding we will commit to spending the rest of our lives together… if everything goes well during the engagement and, of course, during the marriage.”
“We’re engaged!” ≠ “We’ve already committed to spending our lives together and the actual marriage ceremony is just a tacky, expensive formality!”
So as painful as it might be, and as likely as it is to inflate your SOA average, we have the right to back out of a marriage proposal. Hell, we have a responsibility to back out of a marriage proposal if we think we’ve proposed to the wrong person. (We also enjoy a hard-won right to back out of the marriage itself, lifetime commitment notwithstanding, if we make the mistake of marrying the wrong person, if we grow apart, etc.)
Looking on the bright side, MSR, your ex is young, there are other men out there, men who may have an easier time sharing a bed with someone who wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump but would vote for Cruz, Rubio, Jeb!, Huckabee, Christie, Santorum, or Fiorina. She may look back one day, perhaps after she’s fallen in love with Cruz supporter, and be able to see that you made the right decision. At that point your SOA average will shrink.
And… wait: your new girlfriend is less empathetic than your Republican ex-girlfriend? How is that even possible? And how is that a selling point?
