My wife and I live in a big city. We have two very small kids. We have lots of friends in the LGBTQ community. My sister (and her ex-husband) live in a small town. Their biological daughter—at age 16—has just come out as trans. He has done some amazing things, like get his high school to install at least some gender-neutral bathrooms and consider changing overall bathroom regulations. But I don’t think he has a lot of exposure to other folks in the community. We were thinking of inviting him to come and stay with us this summer; we’d pay all the expenses, give him his own room, help him find a job or internship (one of our LGBTQ friends has already agreed, if he’s willing, to give him part-time work at a local activism organization.) The problem is that my nephew’s parents don’t want us to do any of this, and say that we’re interfering. They say that their child may still be just “in a phase.” I don’t know whether that’s true or not, but my argument is that we have to support the person my nephew IS right now, not the person he may or may not become (or have been). Obviously, we can’t make the summer plan happen without parental approval since my nephew remains a minor, but my sister has asked me not to even mention the offer or any of the surrounding issues to my nephew. I feel like he may need the support and I want him to know that whatever he’s going through, he has a loving family here in the big city to depend on and that accepts him.
Don’t know what to do, ethically/morally/logistically.
Uncle Recommends Bringing Along Nephew
For many young queer kids, URBAN, an all expense summer in the city with supportive, accepting relatives would be like winning the lottery. An experience like this could be life-changing—it could be life-saving for a queer could—or this particular queer could hate it and think everything is awful and spend the entire time sulking in your guest room. You never know with teenagers. They’re unpredictable and moody and hard to read and sometimes even harder to tolerate. But there’s the potential here for something significant, and you and your wife should be given credit for wanting to offer this experience to your nephew.
Now, as I was recently reminded, it’s lazy to assume that “flyover” country is inherently hostile to queer and trans people. There are plenty of areas in the middle of America where LGBT people feel safe-ish and welcome-ish. (Most of them, I would argue, are cities, progressive blue dots in red seas.) In your nephew’s case, it sounds like he’s in a moderately open-minded area since his school has agreed to convert some of the bathrooms to gender-neutral. Regardless, even if your nephew’s small town has the same LGBT-protecting politics as your big gay city, you’re still absolutely right to meddle, URBAN.
We live in a particularly dangerous time of uncertainty and risk for trans kids—fuck you, Donald Trump—and even if, per your sister, your nephew’s identity is in flux and not yet fixed, it’s crucial to show support for who your nephew is right now. If your sister is shutting down this offer because she’s trying to avoid the possibility/likelihood/reality that she has a trans son, URBAN, then present the argument differently: Your nephew should take you up on the offer because it’s a great opportunity. In an ideal world, every small town kid should visit a vibrant, smelly city, and every urban prep student should spend time on a bucolic, smelly farm. Cross-cultural experiences round people out and create informed, curious citizens. (And we’re going to need so many of those in the coming years.)
Regarding your sister, URBAN, there is some research that backs up her position. Pulling from a recent Op-Ed in the Los Angeles Times:
Currently available research literature—including four studies published in the last nine years—suggests that 61% to 88% of gender dysphoric children will desist and grow up to be gay adults. (Or, in my case, a straight adult). They won’t continue to identify as the opposite sex in adulthood. In one study of 139 gender dysphoric boys, 122 (88%) of the boys desisted.
But, URBAN, your approach (“we have to support the person my nephew IS right now, not the person he may or may not become”) is the right one. Even if your nephew is still exploring his gender identity, even if there’s a chance he isn’t trans, supporting who he is right now could mean the difference between your sister having a son or burying one.
should still talk with your nephew about this even if your sister can’t be reasoned with, URBAN. Let your nephew know he has a loving family in the big city to depend on and that accepts him. If he can’t come now, let him know he can come in the future. And he might look at you and scowl and say he never wants to leave his perfect, tiny town. He might have friends and crushes and projects that he’d be devastated to abandon for a summer. You don’t know, and you have to respect what he wants. But still give him the offer. At 16, he’s pretty close to being a very young adult, and a summer in the city with his cool uncle and aunt could be a watershed moment in his life—even if he has to wait until he’s 18, the prospect may give him what he needs to hold on.
