Regular Mercury readers are painfully aware that I am terrible at my job, and write about absolutely nothing with any reliability, consistency, professionalism, or interest. I do, however, report the shit out of movie tie-in Slurpees; my rather impressive record on this matter, I believe, speaks for itself. So: Are you ready for another summer full of rambling posts tangentially related to frozen carbonated beverage syrups that’re crudely marketed with shameless promotional tie-ins to major motion pictures? You better be, ’cause it’s gonna one hell of a ri—wait. Actually, I don’t care if you’re ready. What matters is that I am. Here we go!
My trip to 7-Eleven to get an Inspired by Thor Blue Lighting Blast™ Slurpee was the single worst trip to 7-Eleven that anyone has ever, or will ever, be forced to endure.
Oh, I was excited. It’s been a long, dark winter, and a shitty spring, and I can honestly say I’d been looking forward to this expedition for entire minutes before Wm. Steven Humphrey and I hopped in my car and made our way to our nearest 7-Eleven to Thor it up. I mean, you try not to be excited after reading something like this:
“DROP THE HAMMER ON YOUR TONGUE WITH A THUNDEROUS NEW TASTE THAT COULD ONLY HAVE COME DIRECTLY FROM THE MAGICAL WORLD OF ASGARD!”
That’s from slurpee.com, though they have it written without the caps lock and also without an exclamation point, possibly because whomever slurpee.com has hired to write ad copy for them is not nearly as excited as they should be about the prospect of a Thor Slurpee (official flavor name: “Inspired by Thor Blue Lighting Blast™”), and, at the very least, they should probably have their employment status and/or enthusiasm levels looked into by a fairly stern supervisor.
Anyway: If a convenience store is offering me a culinary experience that’s described as (A) a hammer hitting my tongue and (B) as hailing from a magical world, that’s pretty much all I need to know. Whatever could go wrong?
As usual, Steve ruined everything, taking a big shit on the whole afternoon and making everyone in the 7-Eleven really uncomfortable by repeatedly shouting “What the shit? What the shit is this bullshit?” Considering that last summer he wouldn’t shut up for like six horrible months about his stupid Iron Man Slurpee cups—cups, plural—I expected him to be really excited about this. And yet. I asked him for his thoughts.
I hate this fucking Slurpee decanter SO MUCH. It’s THOR for chrissakes… where’s his stinking helmet? What? Pretty boy movie actor doesn’t want to get “helmet hair”? FUCK YOU, FRUIT CUP. If you want to play the goddamn God of Thunder, then you pick up the goddamn hammer and you wear the goddamn helmet!! Thanks to your pretty-boy vanity, you’ve ruined this entire Slurpee series, which was previously the highlight of my fucking year! Suck my dick, you piece of shit Nancy twat.
Those italics are are there because Steve insisted on emailing me his “statement” so I wouldn’t “misquote” the “important things” he feels the 7-Eleven corporation “needs to fucking know.” Eleven minutes after I got that first email, he sent me another, this one with the subject line “And another thing!”
And another thing! I happily sucked out the contents of Iron Man’s head for hours… BECAUSE HE LOOKED LIKE GODDAMN IRON MAN. There’s no way in shit I’m gonna put my lips on the head of this dandelion flower fop. I might get hair product in my mouth!! HAHAHAHAAA! Because he’s a fruit loop and puts a lot of product in his hair! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!
Digression 1: Steve seems oddly angry at Thor being in touch with his feminine side, especially for a dude who’s made a career out of writing about Superboy’s nipples:
• “As those with pedophilic tendencies already know, Smallville is the weekly nighttime soap about Superman when he was a hunky teen (hunkily played by Hunky McHunkerson Tom Welling).“
• “[Tom Welling is the] juiciest piece of man-meat this side of The Rock.“
• “[Tom] Welling appears to be pushing 35 (still looks good without a shirt, though!)“
• “We’re going to have to wait until October for another chance to see Superboy Tom Welling waggle his perky nips.“
• “Last night when I flipped on my TiVo, I discovered it had pooped the bed. It didn’t work AT ALL! Naturally, I panicked…. How am I supposed to obtain a sexual thrill when Smallville‘s Tom Welling takes off his shirt?“
• “See… it’s all about ‘freedom’—’dig?’ The freedom to make fun of old people (like Matlock) and get sexually horny over a top-nude Tom Welling.“
Moving on: I guess the point is, people feel really strongly about Thor’s helmet, and 7-Eleven’s decision to leave it off their giant Thor novelty Slurpee cup lost them at least one grumpy customer, who pouted like an angry baby for the entire drive back to the office.
Digression 2: I’m beginning to have serious doubts about the efficacy of 7-Eleven’s Slurpee marketing strategies. In the corner of this particular 7-Eleven—in the same place they were last year—were still-ignored Slupee tie-in products from two years ago. Just in case you’re wondering where to get your ultra-rare collectible cups for X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Terminator Salvation, Iron Man 2, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, and, uh, FarmVille, I guess?
Maybe these movie tie-in flavors and cups are a huge failure, but 7-Eleven can’t admit it without looking really stupid, so they just have to keep on going? Like somewhere in Jersey there are just vast, Raiders of the Lost Ark-style warehouses piled to the rafters with forgotten Tango & Cash Slurpee cups? I’d like to see some sales numbers, here, honestly, because given that backlog of dusty plastic, I’m suspecting non-movie Slurpee products—like the crappy one below, perhaps, which gives off an unexpectedly smug air, considering it’s sitting next to Inspired by Thor Blue Lighting Blast™?—might be the unsung heroes of the 7-Eleven.
ANYWAY AGAIN. So, how was the Inspired by Thor Blue Lighting Blast™?
I got a Coke Slurpee instead! It was okay.
Peach Dragon Fruit Slurpee? They are desperate! When I was a kid…
And I kind of see the point about the helmet. I don’t know anything about Thor, but comparing the two pictures, the one on the left looks like some dude with long hair and a cape. And did they add facial hair?
*one on the right, I meant
So, I’m not really up on the Thor movie, but apparently the movie added facial hair, not 7-11. All I can say in attempt to justify another post is that I like the reference in Peter Bagge’s Hate years ago about the strangeness and collectability of things like Happy Meal tie-in toys that don’t look look like a toy figurine of Fred Flintsone but instead a figuring of John Goodman dressed like Fred Flintstone.
blue is always the best flavor.
I still have my Remains of the Day Slurpee cup. The straw goes into Emma Thompson’s teapot.
Teapot may be a euphemism for something.
You’re gonna have to add a few good slugs of aquavit if you really want to get hammered.
No helmet? He might as well be a roadie for 38 Special…
*figurine not figuring (I suck at life)
fig 1: further proof that Jack Kirby was THE greatest pop artist of the 1960’s.
fig 2: Chuck Norris at a Renaissance Fair.
WTF Humpy? There’s only one Fruit Cup around these parts. And it sure as shit isn’t Thor.
Sorry Fruit Cup! I meant to say Del Monte™ Fruitcup. I was just so GODDAMN ANGRY ABOUT THAT METROSEXUAL DOORKNOB’S REFUSAL TO WEAR THE GODDAMN HELMET!!!