As a soccer side, the Portland Timbers are truly shit. Woeful. Terrible. I’m used to watching half-assed football, but this was something else.
TIMBERS: Eye-bleedingly unwatchable this season…
Nevertheless, don’t let the fact that the on-pitch action is less skillful and inspiring than watching Bruce Willis act sincerity, put you off. Because the atmosphere at a Timbers game is the best fun I’ve had in this city for $11.
TIMBERS MOB: Foul-mouthed, bordering on violent, even that kid on the right…
Yes. It was with some trepidation that I finally went to a game last night, in search of a certain local film critic, who has been badgering me to make it along for a while. I found him stood at the front of the rowdy Timbers Army with a megaphone, screaming chants to lead the mob. Not that they needed much leading…my favorite chant was “we’d rather bomb Seattle than Iraq.”
I’ve heard from numerous quarters that the Timbers’ management dislikes the Timbers Army because they stop the team from marketing itself as family friendly. Too much cussing. Which is entirely the attraction, of course.
Never mind that the team has no finishing ability and no self confidence. Never mind that the referee couldn’t have come across as more biased against Portland if he had been adjudicating his daughter Seattle’s beauty pageant. Never mind that the bastard even disallowed a Portland equalizer for no good reason other than to punish the Timbers’ crowd for their ebullience.
These people are fun. In a city that rewards restraint, the Timbers Army is unrestrained. In a city that prefers to avoid conflict, even when that conflict is healthy and likely to be productive, the Timbers Army scream things like “f…u…f…u…c…k…FUCK YOU” at the management. There are smoke bombs. There was even some pushing and shoving in the smoking section at one point, or so I’m told.
And better still, none of it is choreographed. It all has the spontaneous feel of, I don’t know, civic pride? Except nobody formed a committee. Nobody needed a resolution on city council, and nobody facilitated a fucking desired outcomes session, first.
The next game is on Saturday night. You should probably give some thought to being there.
Atsa lad. Next time, leave the Jermyn St. clobber at home and put a couple of jars in you. I bet there’s a couple of vintage Brentford chants we could make our own.
You amateur hooligans clearly don’t appreciate the menace in a finely tailored suit.
I thought I saw you there walking up the aisle but wasn’t sure since I’ve only seen your pictures. Props to coming. The Timbers are Shite and that’s why we love them.
Best. Davis. Post. Ever.
Well said, Matt. And nice to meet you at the end of halftime down front and center. Don’t be a stranger around the north end, and come raise a pint or four pre-game at the Bitter End and again post-game at the Bullpen any time. We’re a welcoming and friendly bunch.
“We’re a welcoming and friendly bunch”….when we win.
When we lose: a right bunch of bastards.
thanks for writing this mate. as a fellow brit in the TA its too easy to be cynical about the level of play. enjoy what we got here, there are some fantastic people in the Army.
cheers.
I also attended my first Timbers game last night. My reaction was similar. At the half when the entire crowd gave the officials the bird and screamed, “Fuck you,” I turned to my girlfriend and said, “It’s nice to see people in Portland getting pissed off about something other than bikes, bikers and bike lane.”
And I’d been telling you guys for the past 4 months to get down and see a fucking game. Good to see you there, Matt, though you looked entirely too sober when I saw you.
And the treasury secretary’s son needs every cent you can spare, for Papa has completely cut him off since he left New Haven. Well, not entirely cut off: Paulsen the elder did buy his beaming boy a minor league football team in the provinces, and then cut him off.
So Yalie P. Bickleford’s theory is that Henry Paulson, who is a partner in the company that owns the Timbers and Beavers, has “cut…off” his son, Merritt Paulson, who has already pledged $40 million of his own money for an MLS franchise for Portland.
Why am I convinced that the only thing ever “cut…off” from Yalie P. was oxygen when he was passing through his mammy’s birth canal?
Sorry I missed you there Matt. You’re so right that the spectacle of the Timbers Army was the best action in the stadium. The woman sitting across the aisle from me particularly got into it whenever there was an injured Seattle player, screaming, “Shoot ’em like a horse!!!” I’ll have to remember that one for the Oregon State Beavers.
“nobody formed a committee. Nobody needed a resolution on city council, and nobody facilitated a fucking desired outcomes session, first.”
Then it’s not allowed here. Without a resolution, a mayoral oversight committee, and a paid consultant this will never work (and let’s not forget the restorative listening panel).
Local football is obviously the tool of homeless bums, Peterson’s employees, and communist gentrifiers.
Let’s go every week.
“Family friendly” blows. This town needs less of it STAT!
I’m so glad the Mercury is possibly finally starting to remember the Timbers play here, and actually draw the same sorts of people who read their publication.
And hey, last year, we weren’t so bad. and the timbers army is as close to eurohooligan fun as you will find in America.
Game tonight! 7pm! Be there!
http://www.mlstopdx.com
Sorry, chappies. Footer being primarily a sport of the working class, don’t you know, I simply don’t care to watch that often. . . at least, that I admit to. Rather.
Well, actually, GO REDS!!! Liverpool rules!!
Sorry. Got carried away there.