Anti-texting and driving laws! UNNNNNGGGGHHHHHH!!! Amirite? I don’t know who thought these laws were a good idea, because it’s totally boning up my sweet texts and tweets while I’m trying to zipper merge. Thank god then for the new product that makes texting and driving so much easier: “Text & Drive”! For drivers! Who text! AND DRIVE!!

Bang bang, choo-choo train, let me see you shake that thang. Wm. Steven Humphrey is the editor-in-chief of the Portland Mercury and has held the job since 2000. (So don’t get any funny ideas.)