Hello everyone, and welcome to another edition of THE TRASH REPORT! I am Elinor Jones, also known as several raccoons in a trench coat, here to walk you through some of the nonsense we call life. Remember, when there where only two footprints on the beach, that's because we laid down; those footprints were someone else's. Here we go!
BoJo Go Bye-Bye
Former UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson was pressured to step down last week following dozens of resignations of other members of his party. I'm not going to pretend I understand the structure of the British government (the queen is the head boss, but... not?), but I will say a big THANK YOU to our friends across the pond for also going through a significant political upheaval, thereby taking some of the heat off us for a second. We don't want to be the only messy bitches in NATO. It's kind of like when your bestie goes through a gnarly breakup and gets a really unfortunate haircut, and you also get your hair cut (but a little less bad) in solidarity. We're getting matching necklaces that say "SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP 4EVER."
Or it's also like how, after 9/11, every British actor we like got together to make Love, Actually. They just knew that we really needed it.
The site of the most embarrassing press conference in American history had fun with it:
The Pacific Theater of the Mess
Our besties across the other pond—Japan—are also reeling after the assassination of their former prime minister Shinzo Abe. This story isn't cute, but it is noteworthy because part of the shock across the world isn't just due to the murder of a beloved longtime leader, but because gun violence in Japan is so rare. How nice that must be, for a shooting to be shocking.
Also, wtf is this?? American papers are so obsessed with using the passive voice to get around violence that The New York Times's initial headline made it sound like Abe fainted when he heard a loud noise:
Breaking News: Shinzo Abe, Japan’s former prime minister, collapsed after a gunshot was heard as he delivered a speech, the country’s public broadcaster said. https://t.co/uDtIOskw3f
— The New York Times (@nytimes) July 8, 2022
Here's my impression of the New York Times: "Leading American Newspaper was Made to Feel Silly Following Attempted Delivery of Breaking News Headline."
Box Office Updates
Top Gun: Maverick has continued to dominate the summer box office, and star Miles Teller recently teased that he and Tom Cruise have had some private convos about making a third movie. I am cool with this idea if and only if they wait another 36 years between the films, like they did from the first one to now. At that time, Teller will be 71 years old and Cruise will be 96 years old. You know age would never stop Tommy from doing his own stunts, and unless Botox becomes so powerful it completely stops all skin movement, those will be some wild-ass faces in 5G. Would watch!
The other wild thing happening right now is young men getting dressed up to see Minions: The Rise of Gru and causing headaches for cinema employees and others. It is my duty to report that I saw this film last weekend at the Academy and nothing weird happened. So, sadly, you cannot use a potential melee as an excuse to avoid seeing Minions: The Rise of Gru with your family.
In Local News: John Goodman Terrorizes Portland?
I absolutely must know more about this:
If you were the person threatened by John Goodman with a pen, or if you were the savior in the red velvet dress, or if you are John Goodman, please get in touch with me and tell me everything about what the hell went down here. You can reach me at email@example.com. You can stay anonymous. I don't even have to write about it here. I just NEED to know.
Final Thoughts on the 4th of July
That's all I got this week! Please join me in always wearing sunblock outside, even though these are probably the end times. It took like 250 years for Rome to fall; don't you want to have nice skin for the collapse?