Hello, everyone! I am your friend (I assume) Elinor Jones. I hope you've all had a nice week. I've been spending every waking second staring at the internet to collect the stankiest gossip to share with you—so hold your nose... and let's go!

Legal Advice from the Ghost of Ivana Trump

Ivana Trump, best known for her scene-stealing cameo in the 1996 comedy First Wives' Club, and also well-known as the mother of the three eldest children of disgraced former president Donald Trump, passed away last week at the age of 73. I hate to suspect foul play... except I always suspect foul play when it comes to those people, and I can't be the only one who thinks it's odd timing, since she was around for a lot of Trump's business dealings during the early days of his tacky empire, and now odds are looking good that most of Trump's dirty laundry is going to be aired out in a variety of courts? I don't know if Ivana would have been called as a witness, but she certainly can't be now. To all the disappointed prosecutors out there, let Ivana's ghost remind you:

More on the Exes of Disgraced Politicians

Page Six just broke that Hangover star Bradley Cooper is now dating Huma Abedin, ex-wife of disgraced former US Representative Anthony Weiner. And she was the former advisor to Hillary Clinton. And she's apparently besties with Anna Wintour, who introduced her to Cooper, who'd recently split from Glee star Dianna Agron. What?? It's basically the dream couple forged from the upper echelons of Hollywood and the Democratic party circa 2015. Just think, if Hillary had won the White House in 2016, Abedin would probably not be unemployed now, and none of this would have been possible. Worth it?!? (No!)

Elon Musk? More like Elon Mess!

Exploding electric car manufacturer Elon Musk is in the news again (or still?) for trying to back out of his deal to buy Twitter for 44 billion dollars, which Twitter is trying to hold him to. Blocking Elon Musk on Twitter is one of the better things I've done with my one life on earth, and I worry that if he becomes the boss of it, nobody will be able to block him and he'll be in everything, all the time, like how several years ago we all got that one U2 album in our phones. So I'd never root for Musk—but right now I guess I have to. 

During such a grim news cycle for him, Elon must have been pretty pumped that his dad, Errol Musk, took this opportunity to confirm a secret love-child that was born to—oh my god—his former stepdaughter?! Ew! And this is his second child with her! Ew ew ew. The children, now ages three and five, have the special claims of being both Elon Musk's half-siblings and step-nephews. 

Thor star Natalie Portman recently gushed over her co-star Chris Hemsworth, who she credited with kindness for not eating meat ahead of filming a kissing scene, which he did out of respect for Portman's vegan diet. Which obviously suggests that when actors kiss on-screen, they are climbing inside of one another's mouths and feasting on the remnants of whatever is left between their co-star's teeth. Look, I didn't love writing that, but I can't be the only one stuck with this imagery. Blame Chris "eats meat every 30 minutes" Hemsworth for making this necessary.

In Local News

If your skin is crawling, it could be due to all the gross gossip I just wrote about. OR it could be that you're in Portland and the mosquito population is having a moment—and not a good one for us. Apparently this spring's record rain made lots of flooded zones that turned into mosquito larva parties, which means that even though the weather has finally settled into the dreamy Pacific Northwest summer temps we've yearned for, the outside will still try to find a way to kill us.

Too many mosquitoes are a problem. This is not:

I told you it was some rank garbage! If you made it all the way through, good job. I'm glad we have each other, and I'm sorry about the smell. 

Until next time,