Hello, it's Mr. Nasty. Welcome to The Trash Report! It's me, Elinor Jones, writing from a bathtub of ice, because Portland isn't supposed to be this hot and all my bras are uncomfortable and sweaty—but not wearing one is even worse? What the hell! How about let's find some other stuff to be mad about. Hold on tight.
Great Resignation? More like Best Resignation Everrrr!
Those hacks over at Bloomberg recently did your boss' bidding and put out an article titled "Millions of Americans Regret the Great Resignation." If you're anything like me, you think "sheesh, for real?" And then the very next thing you see is this sub-headline: "About one-quarter of job-leavers rue the decision, survey says."
Math was never my strong suit, so I'm going to show my work here to make sure I'm not crazy. One-quarter is 25 percent. Twenty-five percent of people surveyed who recently resigned regret it. Okay, so: 100 percent minus 25 percent = ...75 percent. Seventy-five percent of people surveyed do not regret their decisions. Is that right?? Because 75 percent is most people. It is the overwhelming majority. And that thing about missing your "work family?" For one, work is not family, so let's cut that shit out right now. And for two, Bloomberg wants to make you think you can only hang out with your coworkers at your job. Guess what, business liars? I quit my full-time three months ago and have spent more time with my work friends than ever before, because now they are no longer entities I associate with the most stressful part of my life, but rather nice people whose company I enjoy. So, high-fives to my buddies in the 75 percent club majority, I hope you also find your naps fulfilling. I know I do.
Exciting news from across the pond: Rumors are spreading like Prince William's buttcheeks (allegedly) that the English king-to-be likes to be pegged outside of his marriage. This kicked off the Twitter hashtag #PrinceofPegging, which is funny but not ideal, because to say he's the Prince suggests that there's a King of Pegging, and since William can't be King until that person dies, it really creates more questions than answers. But I'm not going to yuk anyone's yum—as long as all parties are consenting adults, I say more power to him! Your people love colonizing so get that ass plundered, my friend.
William being a big old bottom is the most interesting thing about him but as any queer person will tell you that’s still pretty boring. #PrinceOfPegging— Philip J. Ellis (@Philip_Ellis) July 28, 2022
Your Paper Straw Won't Save Us
Taylor Swift has done a lot of good for a lot of women who need songs to cry to in the car, but for the planet? Not so good. A recent study by The Yard (and put in front of my eyeballs by trash gods TMZ) listed the biggest private flyers of the celebrity set, and our girl T was at the top of the list with 170 private flights so far this year. In other news, last week I paid $12 for a plastic cup of wine with a paper straw that immediately disintegrated, of course, so I had to pop the plastic top off the cup and then spilled the $12 wine all over my legs... so yeah. I don't feel like the mega-wealthy and people like us are doing the same amount to protect the environment. I demand real straws until celebrities stop flying over traffic.
Robin Hood Goes to Church in Brooklyn
Brooklyn Pastor Lamor Whitehead and his wife were robbed at gunpoint during a service, and thieves allegedly made off with one million dollars worth of jewelry. One million dollars! Of jewelry! I'm not really religious, but even I know that the top hunk of the Christian faith (Jesus) didn't think too highly of rich people. He was all "it's easier for a camel to get through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven," or whatever, so really, that pastor should be thanking those thieves. Blessed are the poor, Lamor.
Actually, You're Wrong, MONTANA
This tweet about Flathead Lake in Montana recently went viral:
Flathead Lake, the clearest water on Earth pic.twitter.com/sIdcb9ETAN— Curiosity (@Sciencenature14) July 10, 2022
Portland's own KGW came for Flathead Lake with the facts and clarified that not only is Flathead Lake not the clearest water on Earth, it's not even top clearest lakes in the United States, and in fact, there are three lakes clearer than Flathead Lake in Oregon alone: Crater Lake, Waldo Lake, Charlton Lake. Nice try, Montana. Admit that your lake is ugly. Look at that picture again. Trash.
Well, Beyoncé's new album just came out and I've been writing this column instead of listening to it nonstop, so let's call it good for now. Thank you for reading! Same time next week, okay?