Hi everyone, and welcome to The Trash Report! So, a couple of weeks back I asked for suggestions on what to call readers of this here column, and I got some *chef's kiss* suggestions. They include: Trash Pandas, Trash Bandits, Trashists, Dumpster Divers, and Garbage Pail Kids. I love all of my children equally and I can't decide. So I won't! You will:

Now, onto the mess!

Queen's Still Dead

Thousands of people have Englishly stood for days in an orderly queue to walk by a box that allegedly contains the recently deceased British monarch. I could tease but I once stood in line for like two hours to see Baz Luhrmann's Romeo + Juliet when it first came out so, glass houses (or palaces) (or movie theaters), etc. As an added treat, many members of the royal family will be standing guard at the casket so you might get a glimpse of this dreamboat in the flesh:

Sorry, I saw that, so you have to, too. What's great about this guy becoming King is that when I was trying to find that gif, this is what google image search gave me:

Long live these kings (the dogs.)

Infrastructure, But Make it Sexy

US railroad workers narrowly avoided a strike last week which allegedly would have really messed up our supply chain issues even more. Part of me kind of wishes the strike had happened, just so we could see how much trains are doing for us, because I'm medium smart and I didn't even realize they did all that much shipping?? But a lot of people worked really hard to iron out a tentative agreement so more power to them. Big Daddy Joe Biden, famously fond of trains, even got involved by making a call into a bargaining session, and I love labor justice the most when it gives us fun memes:

Speaking of transportation woes, a semi truck full of dildos and lubes crashed on an Oklahoma onramp last week, creating quite the mess of traffic, but more importantly, a great opportunity for tacky humor writers to make some dumb jokes. Like "semi loses its load early." Or "experts say crash may have been caused by excessive unfilled holes." Or "experts say crash may have been caused by a wet-ass chassis." I could go on.

But What Does Grimes Have to Say?

I'm launching a new feature in this column where we check in with pop star and haver of (some of) Elon Musk's children, Grimes. So: WHAT DOES GRIMES HAVE TO SAY?

What a great thing to say, Grimes! God definitely planted dinosaurs to confuse us in the world that he created just 4000 years ago. I think what she means is that God did not create this world without human suffering, but in fact, the human suffering was the point. He knew that our brains would not be able to fathom giant lizard skeletons buried beneath the surface of the Earth, and that dinosaurs would confuse us, and we would have no choice but to construct the elaborate theories to explain them, which would lead to dinosaur fan-fiction, and our devotion would become so all-consuming that eventually we would have a billion-dollar film franchise about them which would lift the fame of Hollywood's worst Chris, Chris Pratt, because again: the suffering is the point. Okay, that's it for this week's "But What Does Grimes Have to Say?" 

More Like Diamond-Encrusted Martini

Balenciaga—the fashion house favored by the Kar-Jenners and other celebrities with unholy waist-to-hip ratios—has released a new line of merchandise for Portland natives/band Pink Martini. This is very like "wow you know who we are???" and it seemed pretty cool until learning that the hoodies cost ONE THOUSAND ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY AMERICAN DOLLARS. And this little promotional video makes me want to die:

Ignoring the obvious fact that the sweatshirt itself looks like something I'd pay maybe $10 for at a cheesy gift shop because I'm at the coast and it's windier than I thought it was gonna be, I feel like the Democrats will use this sweatshirts as an excuse to never give us stimulus money again. Because look what people do when they have over a thousand dollars. We can't be trusted.

Fiscal Respawsnsibility

You know what you can do to show you are good with money? Get a kitten from a shelter. The Oregon Humane Society has recently waived or reduced adoption fees for cats and kittens because they are so overwhelmed. While "being overwhelmed by kittens" is my ideal way to die, in reality it makes things tough for the shelter, which can't help future pets until the current ones find homes. Why don't you do your pal Elinor a solid and bring home a new friend? I mean, could you even imagine winter hibernation without Meatball?

I can't adopt her because, according to my partner, "we have enough pets," which I don't actually believe is possible, but I'm on his health insurance so I gotta make it work. If you are lucky enough to adopt Meatball, or virtually any other cat or kitten, please let me know and I'll come pet it.

On that note, I'm off to pet the animals already in my care, and by "pet" I mean "nap with." I'll talk to all of you soon. Keep up the good work.