Hello my Trash Pandas, and welcome to THE TRASH REPORT! It's me, Elinor Jones, and I've been having a real good time readin' the news and likin' the tweets and I'm happy to make some space in the dumpster for all of you. This week's theme is: the internet.

Dank Brandon Makes Moves

Big Daddy Joe last week announced a blanket pardon of all federal weed charges, which fucking rules. 

Biden unilaterally doing great stuff with his presidency does make me a little mad at everyone who didn't do it sooner... but whatever, we'll take it. Biden said that "As I’ve said before, no one should be in jail just for using or possessing marijuana" and "sending people to jail for possessing marijuana has upended too many lives."  Quietly avoiding eye contact with the president was none other than Vice President Kamala Harris, who was personally responsible for upending a lot of lives for having overseen close to 2,000 cannabis convictions during her time as San Francisco District Attorney. Awkward! (To be fair, Kamala has since come around, but I hope she's writing apologies as quickly as she's writing her new positions.)

Once we all got all mellow on celebratory weed, Biden let slip that "Armageddon risk at highest level since Cuban Missile Crisis." And as on weed as we were, we said "lol, he said 'highest'" and toked our bongs and remained extremely chill. 

President Biden also delighted us with his visit to hurricane-ravaged Florida where he played Chad to Florida Governor Ron DeSantis's virgin

Word on the street is that Biden will be coming to Oregon on the 14th and 15th of this month, but it's unclear what the purpose of the visit is as of now. Will he be campaigning for Democrat Tina Kotek in the shockingly tight gubernatorial race? Will he be touting cannabis reform by getting stony and then getting ice cream? Perhaps he'll be checking out the annual Giant Pumpkin Regatta? Or be joining all of our significant others at the Portland Retro Gaming Expo? You know I'll update you all next week on whatever goes down, especially if it can be turned into a cute meme, which, considering Biden's recent track record, is almost certainly guaranteed.

Cannot Unsee

Republicans have been trying and failing recapture the internet by just throwing all sorts of shit out there, including this tweet where they're just...naming douchebags?

One can only assume that some GOP freak in the sheets wanted to rile up the base with the world's worst game of Fuck/Marry/Kill. I mean, what else could it be? And now the idea has been planted and you have to think about it and admit that you'd marry Elon Musk. 🤢

I Scan, You Scan, We All Scan for Butt Scans

Hopefully you have all been following the story of chess grandmaster Hans Niemann who allegedly cheated by using anal beads to run AI to figure out the next best move? It is a hilarious story that just keeps getting better, because Niemann now has to submit to ass scans prior to games to make sure he's not packing tech. Anyone else think we should add the ass scan to the already invasive TSA screening process at airports to make sure nobody is going to have to shit in the airplane bathroom? I bet Trump would have liked that when Rudy Giuliani traveled with him:

Good 4 Me/Her

I asked Alexa to bring me the piece of news most relevant to me, a youth-obsessed millennial who watched way too much MTV in the 90s, and I was blessed to receive this:  

Please watch it through to the end and I will hold you in my arms as you sob, as I did.

Speaking of crying, let's help find this good person?

I love so much when the internet is good and used for good. Thanks to all of you for reading, and I'll see here next week to clink-clink our champagne flutes of nonsense and trash.