What's happening, hot stuff? Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. day to everybody! It's Elinor Jones, back at ya with another Trash Report, where my vibe is very Oscar the Grouch in reaction to all the garbage that's piled up this week:

The Overserved Globes

The Golden Globes ceremony was last week and from it has sprung a deep well of gossip, so buckle up! (Or don't. I'm not a cop.) The Globes make for the best awards ceremony, not because the awards matter (the Hollywood Foreign Press Association might be some sort of mafia front?) but because it's the first major awards show of the season, so people are excited and wear cute clothes and—best of all—get really drunk. In his acceptance speech, The White Lotus creator and writer Mike White revealed that all of the food had been cleared from the tables before everybody got inside, leaving only alcohol, so this year everybody got extra, super drunk. I love it! Be messy! White also drunkenly called out the networks that passed on Lotus before HBO picked it up. Yesss. Messy *and* petty. The winningest combo.

I watched several other acceptance speeches even though I haven't finished season two of The White Lotus yet, which was very stupid on my part because Jennifer Coolidge fully said what happens at the end of the season and now I know! 😭 This is the last time I ever try "reading more instead of just watching TV all the time." So dumb.

And more Globes fallout: Austin Butler won for his leading role in Baz Luhrmann's Elvis. I learned from Lainey Gossip that as Butler has been making the press rounds, he's been talking up some "friend" who kept telling him he should play Elvis in a movie. WELLLLLLLL, it turns out that the "friend" was none other than his ex-girlfriend who he dated for a decade, Vanessa Hudgens! Fucking cold! A "friend"?!?! I mean, just watch this:

@y2kelsie Not Austin referring to Vanessa as his “friend” when she manifested his biggest role of his career #vanessahudgens #austinbutler #elvis ♬ original sound - Kelsie Carlos

Austin Butler, you may have learned that Memphis accent and adorable Elvis swagger, but you have a thing or two to learn about loving people tender and loving people true!

Won't Somebody Think of the People Who Want to be Poisoned to Death in Their Own Homes?

It's been a dumber than usual week in the Culture Wars: Move over, mermaids and crystal flutes, the most sacred and holiest of objects to the Right right now are 1) gas stoves and 2) boy candy. 

The gas stove thing is just like, did their ancestors also vehemently oppose the lead paint ban and then they were raised in homes with lead paint everywhere and it broke their brains? I mean how else do you explain this:

You'd better be careful, catturd2; it'll be dangerous to sick burn us libs so hard now that your home is filled with gas.

And the boy candy thing is because M&Ms just released a new package that only has the girl candies on it. This is confusing and enraging to a certain category of people whose beef with it seems to be that if only girl candies are on the package, then what... are boy candies just unnecessary? And won't this be damaging to real-life human men and boys, whose value has only ever come from representation on candy packaging? How will human boys dream of hooking up with girls if they are not instructed to do so by an M&Ms wrapper, famously the only place children have ever turned to learn social norms surrounding the normalcy of heterosexual relationships???????????

Like, get a life, Tucker Carlson:

Over in Arkansas, newly-elected governor Sarah Huckabee-Sanders issued an executive order to remove the word "Latinx" from state documents. According to NPR, she said that "one can no more easily remove gender from Spanish and other romance languages than one can remove vowels and verbs from English." With her track record on how she feels about creating welcoming spaces for immigrants from Spanish-speaking countries, the executive order is clearly more about creating an environment that is hostile to trans and nonbinary people than honoring the Spanish language. But also, watch how easily I can remove vowels from the English language: F-ck S@r@h H_ck@b## S@nd#rs. See? Languages evolve.

Local News

Our new governor, Tina Kotek, is on the receiving end of funds from some late supporters, including the Oregon Hospital Association, who'd aggressively spent against Kotek during both the primary and general elections. Why would life-saving hospitals be so against a nice pro-healthcare candidate like Tina Kotek? Oh, maybe because she's besties with the Unions that represent hospital workers, who had the nerve to demand fair wages and safety protections during a pandemic that has taken the lives of nearly 10,000 Oregonians, which the OHA was against, because turning healthcare into a for-profit industry is fucking ghoulish and they were more interested in profit margins than treating workers right. As reported by our friends at the Willamette Week, now the OHA has given Kotek $50,000 in hopes that she'll forget all about that whole trying-to-defeat-her stuff. Like, "whoopsie! We didn't think you were going to win! Um, call me?" This despite record profits and also having just spent $455,000 to see her defeated. Good luck with that, guys.

Cat News

The Dallas Zoo had to temporarily close last week because a clouded leopard was missing from its enclosure when zoo staff arrived in the morning. This reminded me of when I went to the free zoo in Hawaii and they had this sign up:

Wouldn't it have been so fun to visit there before the sign was up? Like Jurassic Park, but with big cats! Anyway, I hope the situation in Texas resolves safely for the leopard and the people whose faces it wants to bite off, and that the kitty cat is sleeping soundly in a closet somewhere, getting hair all over somebody's favorite sweater, which is what my cats do to stress me out.

And finally, an update from beloved internet celebrity cat of yesterday, Lil Bub (RIP):

Obviously, I will not be cracking open any books until I have watched all of television, lest I find myself in another White Lotus spoiler situation, but you should definitely check out your local library.

On that note, my Roku is calling me, and I have to go watch things even though I know what's going to happen. Thank you all of your support during this very stupid time.

Spoiled,