How do you do, fellow Trash Pandas? I'm really happy that we're on the other side of the -ember and -uary months, which means it's almost Spring, which means it's almost Summer, and my birthday. There's plenty of time to shop, is what I'm saying. I'm your best raccoon friend Elinor Jones and the following is my news and gossip column, The Trash Report. Come along! 

Women's History Herstory Month

In addition to it being nearer to my birthday season, March is also famously Women's History Month. This is a sacred month during which brands make pandering social media posts about how ~cool~ women are, and then the twitter account GenderGapPayBot puts them all on blast for their hypocrisy:

When will brands realize that women don't want free swim classes, we want equal pay? But, also, still the free swim classes? And then probably a large plate of lasagna, too, if you're taking requests? Carbs help us process workplace discrimination.

2024 is Next Year Whether You Like It Or Not

Another shocking update on when we are in time right now: Even though I'm still processing the election results of November 2016, next year is yet another presidential election year, and another one that Donald Trump has threatened to be involved in. His presumed stiffest competition as of now is Florida Governor Ron DeSantis, who is just as evil as Trump, but less buffoonish, which makes him even more dangerous. DeSantis has been battling with Disney ever since the company spoke out against DeSantis' "Don't Say Gay" bill, and their punishmen is getting new leadership appointed to the Central Florida Tourism Oversight District. One of those appointees is a former pastor named Ron Peri, a man who said this in 2022: "So why are there homosexuals today? There are any number of reasons, you know, that are given. Some would say the increase in estrogen in our societies. You know, there's estrogen in the water from birth control pills." (Emphasis mine because I really want to make sure you read that part the loudest.) Besides this being scientifically wrong, it all just makes no sense as a theory. Everybody knows that the gayer a person gets, the less likely they are to drink fucking tap water! Like, talk to me when there's extra estrogen in Diet Coke, Ron. Then maybe you've got something.

Shameful Behavior, Hollywood Edition

We have another entry to the journal of "Was he actually funny or was it just the early 2000s?" and this time it's regarding English comedian and Katy Perry's ex-husband, Russell Brand. Brand was recently posted smiling for a picture with Donald Trump Jr. and Kimberly Guilfoyle. Sure, they were smiling, but now I am barfing. I had to look up why they were even at the same place and apparently it was an event for the conservative YouTube knockoff that platforms both Sandy Hook denier Alex Jones and Russell Brand. Look, I don't think divorce can have winners and losers, but Russell Brand is hanging out with Don Jr. and now Katy Perry is married to Legolas so...she won. 

Remember when Lady Gaga's dogs were stolen and her dogwalker was shot and almost died? Thankfully, the dogs were returned, and the dogwalker recovered, but the story is not over yet: One of the five people arrested for the crime is now suing Lady Gaga! Prior to the dogs' recovery, Mother Monster offered $500,000 for their return, no questions asked, but the police had more of an "I" comment than a question, which was: Don't pay a reward to the lady who was part of the group that stole the dogs. So Gaga didn't. And the nerve of this gal, she's suing for a million dollars more than the reward would have been! Duuuuuuude... being friends with Don Jr. is low, but suing the woman whose dogs you stole might be even lower.

Local News You Can Use

Portland Trailblazer darling Damian Lillard shot a career and franchise high last week in a game against the Houston Rockets with 71 points! I'm really proud of this, despite the Rockets being Beyonce's favorite team and she might be a little sad. But mostly I'm happy for us. To honor the occasion, Adidas dropped the price of Lillard's shoes to $71 for a limited time AND will be making a $71,000 donation to a charity of Dame's choosing. If the links for things to buy me that I dropped in the intro weren't doing it for you, maybe these will? (I wear an 8.5)

I know last week I was kind of dragging on Portland Police for buying a ~second~ airplane the same month that the City couldn't even replace some lamps, and I don't want to always be talking about the police and their giant budget. I really don't! However, PPB just announced its $10 million purchase of 144 new police cars. And I know the money comes from different budgets, but this is in the same community where I have had to buy printer paper for my daughter's 1st grade classroom because the school can't afford to buy enough paper. No joke here; it's fucked! 

Too Many a) Drugs, and b) Islands

Down in Ecuador, police found nine tons of cocaine hidden amongst bananas in a cargo ship on its way to Belgium. Ecuador has been intercepting so much cocaine lately that they don't have the resources to burn all of it, and are instead mixing it with cement and sand to turn it into concrete. I think it's cool that they can turn it into something useful. I also think that if they have that much cocaine, maybe why not toss a brick or two into a zoo and let us have a sequel to Cocaine Bear?

Meanwhile, Japan recently recounted all of their islands and found an extra 7,000 that they didn't know they had. Look: If you have so many islands that you miscounted them by SEVEN THOUSAND, then you probably have too many! And I think that the nation of Japan should give one to me. I'll start my own little island nation. You can come too, if you're cool. The constitution will just be like "we do the opposite of Florida" and it will be wonderful. Lots of Diet Coke for everyone. *wink*

Wow, see how I brought that joke back at the last minute? That's how you know I'm a pro. Keep it sleazy, and I'll talk to you soon.