Hello, and welcome to the Trash Report! I'm your best friend, Elinor Jones, also known as "Portland's Best Kept Secret." (Trying this out—it worked for Rod Tidwell in Jerry Maguire, maybe it will also help me to land an enhanced NFL contract?) I hope you're having a great day so far, and I hope to make it a little bit better, starting... now:
The Academy Awards Were Last Night
And it was fine. I followed along ravenously, ready to find a moment of chaos to turn into a silly little joke for all of you, but the ceremony went off without a hitch. While I don't think we could have handled another earth-shattering meltdown like "the slap" again this year, we needed something. If not a best actor nominee slapping the host, maybe it could have been, like, a best lighting nominee gently poking an usher. Barely upsetting, but still noteworthy, you know? We deserve that much. When you think about it, it's honestly a little weird that an auditorium full of egos and artists isn't constantly a slapfest. We used to be a country!
For realsies though, it's a good night when cool people win, and I was delighted for Brendan Fraser and Ke Huy Quan to both finally be recognized for their contributions to cinema as prophesized by 1992's Encino Man:
It happened. pic.twitter.com/bzWpSB7JYA— Dave Itzkoff (@ditzkoff) March 13, 2023
Cool or Not Cool?
Hollywood's Coolest Girl Natasha Lyonne shared on instagram that she has quit smoking, to which other celebrities like Melissa Etheridge and Lily Tomlin responded with encouragement. If Melissa Etheridge and Lily Tomlin were ever in my corner, I'd be pretty sure I was on the right path, so keep up the good work, Natasha! Meanwhile, Hollywood's youngest baby cousin Cole Sprouse recently appeared on the Call Her Daddy podcast while smoking a cigarette like he was on the freaking Tonight Show in 1968. And the way he smokes is just so very... not cool looking, at all, thereby putting a nail in cigarettes' coffin. You've heard it here first, folks: smoking is officially no longer cool, which means some of you are going to have to find another way to let everybody else know that you party. I'm thinking leather jacket? Face tattoo? I don't know, I haven't been cool for years (since I quit smoking, back when it was still cool).
In other "not cool" celebrity news: Gossip site Pajiba posted a pretty thorough breakdown of Hugh Grant being a total dick and it was very disappointing! As a lifelong Grant fan (Four Weddings and a Funeral and Love, Actually are, like, 60 percent of my personality), I don't know how I didn't know this! Up until about 10 minutes ago all I knew about him was 1) blowjob from a sex worker, and 2) those *dazzling* blue eyes. Hollywood's moral compass Jon Stewart apparently called Grant the worst guest to have ever been on the Daily Show and forbade him from returning, and even Drew Barrymore hates him, and she loves everyone. You can click through to read the whole thing, but I must warn you that the picture at the top of the article makes Hugh Grant look extremely handsome and charming, and you might immediately forget everything crappy you will subsequently learn about him! Let me just check that link and... ahhh, damnit! Charmed again!!!!!
Innovations in Worker Exploitation
Have you ever seen a tweet that causes you physical pain? This does that for me:
Elon Musk, with input from Grimes and Kanye West, is creating a town in Texas for his Austin-area employees to be able to live in new homes with below-market rents https://t.co/vAA7gkNQaI— The Wall Street Journal (@WSJ) March 10, 2023
A town developed by Elon Musk and Kanye West will be the most Divorced Man place on earth and will probably feature ugly shoes and exploding cars. The WSJ article linked above outlines the many ways that Musk and his buddies are doing their damnedest to rush the process and cut corners while harassing municipal employees into quitting, and that "the plans include a project to build a private residential compound for Mr. Musk that potentially would be some distance from the planned town." You know it's a good sign when the guy developing the town won't even live there, although it's gotta be a step up from the janitor-less Twitter offices where many of his employees reside currently. However, rent in the new town will only be $800 a month. I think a lot of people would tolerate regularly almost getting run over by self-driving Teslas if their rent was only $800 a month.
Thirst Traps and the Lt. Governors Who Are Trapped by Them
Republican Tennessee Lt. Governor Randy McNally has made waves for liking and commenting on sexy pics posted by a young gay Tennessee man known as Franklyn Superstar. This while also supporting legislation targeting the LGBTQ community, obviously, because what would a Republican be doing in this column if not something outrageously hypocritical? McNally has claimed that he speaks with and supports all of his constituents, and there's nothing weird about sending heart eyes to a gay man. See his response below, and ask yourself if people who feel cool about their actions always sweat so profusely when questioned:
Here’s the lt gov’s actual answer to why did you like all these thirst trap posts while also waging a culture war against that kind of stuff? pic.twitter.com/ZGIVbT8LsY— Ryan Grim (@ryangrim) March 10, 2023
While American courts are being weaponized against our queer and trans friends, Canada's judges are focusing on what really matters: being able to flip off your neighbor. A neighborhood dispute from a Montreal suburb ended up in the courts, where a bewildered and extremely cool judge said "being told to fuck off should not prompt a call to 9-1-1" and "it is not a crime to give someone the finger." Hell yeah! I loved this story for that alone, but the judge went on to reference the ancient viral video of Antoine Dobson by scoffing that they would "hide your kids, hide your wife." Truly, this judge should move to the USA and start yassifying our Supreme Court decisions and then maybe more people would read them and care.
The Portland Audubon Society is joining many other chapters of the nature group by ditching Audubon from its name, because that guy—John James Audubon—enslaved people and was no bueno. While the group has not put out a public call for name suggestions, I've come up with a few and here they are: Cheep Thrills, Empty Nesters, Pickin' Up Chicks, Birdlandia, Brrrrd: It's Cold Out Here, Flock of We Gulls, Birdy Deeds Done Dirt Cheep, The Reese Featherspoons, The Sheryl Crows, The Gregory Pecks, The Ethan Hawks, or The Beta Clucks. Call me, as-yet-unnamed Bird Club!
Move over ostriches, the elephant bird was the real giant of the avian world! Fossilized eggshells reveal new insights about these massive birds, which once roamed Madagascar over 1,000 years ago. https://t.co/kAb4PeYvbJ— NPR (@NPR) March 10, 2023
I'm really sad to inform you that the elephant birds aren't a Dumbo-like creature, but rather, birds that are very large, like elephants. Really disappointing name, if you ask me.
I'd like to say I'm ending this column because I have something important to do, but actually I think I'm gonna eat half an edible and lay down and think of more bird puns.
No regrets egrets,