Listen up, Trash Pandas: A lot of shit went down last week, and I don't want to waste everyone's time with this introductory paragraph. Suffice it to say, I'm Elinor Jones, and this is THE TRASH REPORT.

These Fuckin' Guys

Webster's Dictionary defines "indictment" as "a formal written statement framed by a prosecuting authority and found by a jury (such as a grand jury) charging a person with an offense." I'm not starting this section like that because I am a maid of honor at the wedding between conman and former president Donald Trump and the long arm of the law, but because I feel like not all of us knew exactly what an indictment is—although in this instance we knew it's something to be celebrated. So, now we all know, and we can confidently nod along as our smarter friends and colleagues discuss the news. The indictment doesn't seem to be slowing Trump's roll into the 2024 presidential election cycle, which according to NPR, isn't technically forbidden, which gives the most "there's nothing in the rules that says a dog CAN'T play basketball" vibe I've ever seen in contemporary American politics.

If Trump goes to jail (which I still don't really think will happen, the man seems incapable of facing consequences), he'd follow in the footsteps of legendary leftist leader/Socialist Party candidate Eugene Debs who ran a presidential election from behind bars. You have to admit, getting a bunch of rabid MAGA-heads behind socialism would be neat. :) As always, gossip site Bossip summarized it best:

The second-most embarrassing white man we unfortunately have to keep hearing about, Elon Musk, is in the process of manually removing blue checkmarks from verified Twitter users who refuse to give him $8, starting with The New York Times. Twitter's complete unusability is imminent, but bless these stars for making its implosion fun to watch:

This Fuckin' Guy, Literally

Random celebrity who always is just kinda around, Nick Cannon, recently spoke to a radio show about what it's like having 12 children with six different mothers, and he shared that he's not under court order to pay any of them child support, but simply gives the moms what they need when they ask for it. Presumably what they're asking for is "a boatload of money every month." Cannon said he's "got his hands full" with his offspring, which can't be true because if he was actually parenting all those babies he wouldn't have time to bone all those moms.

Alas, Cannon's progeny has got nothing on a Dutch man named Jonathan Jacob Meijier, who has donated sperm so prolifically in Europe, he's fathered at least 550 biological children. 550! It's so many that he's actually getting sued by one of the moms for the damages her child might later face, what with being unwittingly surrounded by half-siblings and creating a risk of incest. Meijier is a YouTuber (obviously) who insists that over-population is a myth, but I think the man just likes masturbating in clinical settings. Pity the people who go to the same dentist as him.

Free Forklifts!

A man was busted downtown last week for joyriding on a stolen forklift, which is how I learned that most forklifts can be operated by most forklift keys. In other words, if you can drive one forklift, you can drive all of them. Think about this the next time you feel annoyed that one of the aisles at Costco is blocked off because the forklift driver is at work, because actually that's a person you want to be friends with. Imagine the possibilities! You could be so independent at IKEA.

Deep Fakes on Deep Fakes

The world was briefly tickled last week when images of Pope Francis in a white puffy jacket went viral, and the world was subsequently crushed and a little embarrassed to learn that the images were made with artificial intelligence (AI). Buzzfeed has an interview with the guy who made the image, which can be summarized as "guy on mushrooms thought it would be funny." Respect. That very Buzzfeed should know a thing about AI: the website is using the technology to write some of its click-bait-y content. Disrespect!!

I was curious about what my writing style would sound like through AI, so I copy-pasted the above paragraph into the free AI generator site and it gave me this:

The recent viral images of Pope Francis in a white puffy jacket were a source of amusement for many before it was revealed that they were created using AI technology. The creator of the images, who was under the influence of mushrooms at the time, was interviewed by Buzzfeed about the incident. Interestingly, Buzzfeed itself is using AI technology to generate some of its click-bait-y content. As technology continues to advance, it raises questions about the role of humans in content creation and the ethics of using AI for journalism.
Which is like me, but smarter. No, thank you!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: At first I thought that last paragraph was funny... until I began to suspect that Elinor may have instructed AI to write her ENTIRE COLUMN. And then I thought " wait... what if Elinor *also* instructed AI to rewrite AI's rewrite of that last paragraph?" That made my brain hurt. In any case, Elinor Jones denies the charges.]


Gotta take a quick moment to #brag: my internet browsing history is super fucked by writing this column to the extent that I just got an embedded ad for what I can only describe as a hooded thong jwimsuit.


It costs $1,570. I know that tax return is burning a whole in your pocket, so I'm usually around a size 8, thanks.

In other news, I went on a short trip to Canada over spring break, which absolutely ruled and gave me a glimpse into what it would be like to have nice things. Upon returning to America, we noticed all the flags at half staff and looked up why. When I learned it was to honor the victims of the Nashville school shooting, I uttered the most depressing sentence of my life, which was "I didn't realize they lowered flags for shootings anymore." I mean, they're so common, wouldn't it be easier to just keep the flags at half-staff, and lift them on whichever days there isn't a mass shooting? Because so far in 2023, there have been mass shootings on more days than not.

Wow, what a sad way to end a humor column! Let me try to lighten the mood real fast: a friend of mine recently alerted me to the fact that one of the characters in the new Guess Who? board game looks just like me. Does your person have glasses, brown hair, bangs, low-grade anxiety, and probably some really annoying takes? Your person is Elinor!