Hello, my beloved Trash Pandas! The weekend was warm, and you know what that means: the dumpsters are rank as hell, and the garbage of the day is going to infiltrate your nostrils and stay there for a while. And of course, by "garbage of the day," I mean this column, and by "your nostrils" I mean your heart. Please read on if you've got like 8 minutes to kill while you're waiting for your bus or dentist appointment or whatever!

King of Trash TV > Trash King of TV

The original godfather of trash TV, Jerry Springer, passed away last week at the age of 79. For those of us who were school-age in the 90s and spent our afternoons unsupervised and power-watching network television, Jerry Springer was basically our babysitter, and the reason a lot of us are the way that we are (kind of bad). Springer was the mayor of Cincinnati before his foray into television, and he also worked in Bobby Kennedy's 1968 presidential campaign. Coincidentally, I recently fell into a Wikipedia rabbit hole about former Portland Mayor Vera Katz, where I learned that she also worked on Bobby Kennedy's campaign, which obviously led me to wonder if they were friends. Or maybe—possibly—more than friends? Could you imagine?? Young mayors-to-be on a doomed progressive presidential campaign, both destined for greatness, and though separated by states, never forgetting what they'd started to build together? I'd read this romance novel! And before you ask if isn't it a little messed up to imagine fanfic about two deceased former mayors, remember that I spent my formative years watching Jerry Springer and learning horrible judgment. It's shocking I'm not worse.

I have a little bit more salacious gossip about a white guy on TV, and I apologize in advance: I really didn't want to ever have to think about Tucker Carlson again following his unceremonious firing by Fox last week, and I'm sure you don't either. And we definitely don't want to think about him sexually. But I read something, and it wouldn't be fair to me if I was the only one who had to sit with this information. I'm gonna share the whole blurb, from Lainey Gossip:

Long ago there was a rumour he had an affair with a popular actress on a very popular TV show. I still keep up with her on social media and she doesn’t seem to align with his political views (though I think he knows what he spews is bullsh-t and it’s just a race-to-the-bottom money grab). I always wondered why she didn’t blow it up over the years (she is not married) as he got more and more powerful and influential. Maybe she didn’t want to admit to hooking up with Tucker Carlson? Understandable. 

As much as I don't want to think about Tucker Carlson having an affair, I SIMPLY MUST KNOW WHO HE HAD THIS AFFAIR WITH! Who do you think it is? Think long and hard about it. Think about it for much longer than you want to. I did, so you have to, too.

Dogs > Humans

A recent poll found that only 12 percent of Americans consider themselves "very happy." Twelve percent seems like a lot. What are they up to? I'm suspicious. Clearly the news organization reporting on this study was also suspicious of the "very happy" people, as evidenced by the fact that they elected to run the story with a picture of a dog instead of a human:

One human who is probably not super happy right now is Beverly Hills 90210 star Shannen Doherty, who recently announced that she is divorcing her husband of 11 years, Kurt Oswarienko. But to say she announced her divorce does not do justice for the tea she spilled with her announcement, which was: "Divorce is the last thing Shannen wanted. Unfortunately, she felt she was left with no other option. You can contact Kurt's Agent, Collier Grimm at PICTUREKID, as she was intimately involved." Record scratch—intimately involved?!? Call this showing up to prom in matching dresses, because nobody is ever forgetting that this happened. Also, more divorce announcements need to end with "direct any questions to the bitch whose fault it is." In all realness, Kelly could never.

Celebrity Gossip < Hyper-Local Political Gossip

All the tabloids are tabloidin' hard over Sydney Sweeney's rumored affair with co-star Glen Powell, which supposedly resulted in his breakup with model Gigi Paris. And I tried to care. I really did. But pictures of Glen and Gigi together look like AI-generated images of "hot people." There is no heat there. They look so boring. Just the name "Glen Powell" seems like a lesser player in a circle of Republican power players. Besides, there's nothing interesting about suggesting that someone with the chance would drop trou for Sydney Sweeney. That's just proof of having a beating heart and eyes.

What is interesting is Oregon Secretary of State Shemia Fagan's dalliance with private consulting for local weed chain La Mota. This is so surprising! Fagan is smart as a whip and should have known this would look shady, which means she only would have done it if she thought people wouldn't find out, which is even shadier! Governor Tina Kotek has not requested Fagan's resignation, but just that the question was floated is pretty shocking for someone with such a bright political future. For her part, Fagan has defended herself from allegations of wrongdoing, and maybe she is being legit, but I don't think anyone could say that this was rightdoing. 

Climate Change < Phallic Ice

Melting glaciers are bad, but at least they're giving us fun icebergs:

Ha ha, what a way to end the column! However, I'm going to end the column by again mentioning that Tucker Carlson affair with a TV star, because I'm worried you forgot about it, but I didn't, and I need friends in this hellish brain prison. Okay, byeeeeee!