Good morning, Trash Pandas, and welcome to another Trash Report! It's me, Elinor Jones, ready to either hold your earrings or hold back your hair, depending on how the week goes. Let's not waste another second!
And I know I'm always joking about this column being stanky, but I'm putting an actual content warning on this one for extensive toilet talk. Proceed at your own risk!
You Can't Spell Washington DC without Shit
Those elected representatives in Congress are really upping the ante on doing nothing by doing nothing, but in a way that could majorly fuck over the country. The deadline to reach an agreement on the debt ceiling is moments away, and despite this being a non-issue during Republican administrations, House Leader Kevin McCarthy is making a whole show of it. And just to make it extra insulting, he paused a conference to fundraise for his party by selling his own used chapstick to Marjorie Taylor Greene for one hundred thousand American dollars. (Jesus, I feel like my fingertips need a shower after typing that out.) The money will go into the National Republican Committee to help Republicans get elected, which is also... her? Like they're just passing the money around to each other in a circle. Great plan. It's like with a royal family where everyone marries their cousins for generations to keep their bloodlines pure, but whoops, now everyone has hemophilia. (Or so we could hope!)
Not to let his ultra-MAGA colleague hog all the embarrassment, Congressman Matt Gaetz commented that Treasury chair Janet Yellen was the "Obi-Wan Kenobi of wrong answers on the economy." Since Obi-Wan Kenobi is known as being a pretty savvy guide with good answers, this was a terrible comparison to make. Like, if he wanted to say Yellen was bad at something, he should have just said she is "the Matt Gaetz of trying to hide relationships with teenagers."
The “guns don’t kill people” people sure seem to think a book can make you gay.— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) May 24, 2023
Speaking of Shit (Literally)
When was the last time you thought about Fergie's ex-husband, actor Josh Duhamel? Probably a while, right? Well, I'm so happy we have an update on what he's been up to, and it's not what you think! Duhamel has become a prepper and he has property in North Dakota where he's trying to learn how to hunt deer with a bow and arrow in case shit hits the fan in LA. He said he was inspired by "a movie or book about these guys who had this little community where everybody had their own specialty. One was weapons, one was canning, one was construction, one was medical." One, it's incredible that his inspiration is "a book or a movie." The "not knowing" makes it art. Two, there is a Venn diagram where one circle is creepy weapons people and the other is crunchy hippies, and what Duhamel is describing falls right into the overlap. A lot about it makes sense, although instead of weapons and construction, I'd like my communist pals to specialize in things like making soap and candles. Maybe get an astrologist in there. But the canning guy could go back and forth. Everybody likes jam.
Duhamel went on to say that they only finally got flush toilets at his property after ten years of using outhouses, but that he kept the outhouses "for nostalgic reasons." Hey Joshy, friend—ever heard of a scrapbook? It'd be like a way to remember things, but without have a hole filled with shit next to your house.
Sticking with this theme: CNN released this very interesting story about ancient toilets discovered in Jerusalem; they studied the poop remnants found within and learned that, whoever's toilets those were, they were not feeling very good. My heart goes out to the ghosts re-dying of embarrassment with all these living people examining their diarrhea and being like, "good lord, what were they eating?" Scientists found evidence of pinworm, ringworm, tapeworm, and roundworm. I'm going to be honest with you: I shared this article because it was interesting, and because it tied into the thing about Josh Duhamel, but mostly because I didn't want to be alone in having that poo-worm information. We're in it together now.
Miley Cyrus recently shared that she had zero interest in touring ever again, which means I finally have a reason not to see a pop idol in concert, besides "the tickets cost more than my mortgage." Cyrus said, "This has nothing to do with a lack of appreciation for the fans & everything to do with I simply don't want to get ready in a locker room." I use the same excuse for why I can't go to the gym before work; I inevitably step in water after I have clean socks on and then the whole day is fucked. Stars: they're just like us!
Celine Dion will also not be touring any time soon, but for her it's due to an ongoing neurological disorder known as stiff-person syndrome. This kinda makes Miley's excuse (and mine) about locker rooms seem a little lazy in retrospect.
The biggest tour talk of the day, of course, is Taylor Swift and her Eras tour. Swift is currently kinda sorta unofficially in a situationship with the 1975's frontman Matty Healy, who sounds like a real dirtbag. I can appreciate bad decisions during a rebound moment, but there must be some available hot dirtbags who haven't also said some super messed up racist and sexist stuff. Hell, I've probably even got some of their numbers saved from my single days. Rapper Ice Spice was one of the subjects of Healy's idiotic commentary. Ice Spice also collaborated with Swift on the rerecording of her single "Karma."
Look, sometimes gossip stories come along where I know that caring will take a lot of time, research, and patience. I don't always take the bait. I know nothing about Scandoval, to be quite honest. But this one with Taytay is one that I could not resist. Which is how I now bear the awful information that I am literally the same age as Ice Spice's mom. And I have to spend the rest of this gossip cycle just like, knowing that. Between this and the thing about the poo worms, my brain is truly fucked.
In Local News
As previously reported, a black bear is continuing to roam Northwest Portland, and it looooovoes trash. Bears: they're just like us! Too bad this column isn't in print; they could have made a trap out of it.
There was another run-in between humans and our bear friends over in La Grande, except it wasn't friendly so much as very dangerous and sad. A man said a bear was going for his chickens, so he shot the bear, and then when trying to track down the wounded bear, the bear attacked the man, and then the bear was trapped and euthanized. Hello, Hollywood? I know the writers are still striking, but I've got an idea: Cocaine Bear 2: Chicken Bear.
Wow, what a full flush of things we know about now! In lieu of figuring out how to get a lobotomy, I'm hoping that several hours of watching this clip on repeat will reset my brain enough to move on with my life:
Scratching a raccoon.. 😅 pic.twitter.com/wlVCYvKOfN— Buitengebieden (@buitengebieden) May 23, 2023
Yours in trash,