Hello, my precious Trash Pandas, and welcome to another week of garbage with the Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, your best friend, here to share some silly things that made me laugh this week. I'm lucky to write for such smart and attractive readers, and you deserve the best. To be clear, I'm not the best, but I'll try. Let's go!

Just Say Blow

A mysterious white powder was discovered at the White House last week which was later found to be cocaine. Like it for real took them a minute to confirm it was cocaine! Yeah, right. You just know there was at least one guy in the Secret Service, who parties during his time off on State visits overseas, who was totally like "oh wow jeez yeah I simply have no idea what this is" while aggressively chewing on his lip. The Right Wing media tried to blame it on Hunter Biden, which is so foolish because there is no way Hunter Biden was ever that careless with his drugs. It's not like it's a laptop or something.

Republican House Oversight Chair James Comer is requesting a "full briefing" on the origin of the cocaine, which he was no doubt advised to do by some of his very wealthy, yet very tired, 22-year-old staffers who need a little pick-me-up, but know they're not cool enough to ask a bartender where to find drugs.

That's Tina's Safe

As if it isn't bad enough that security is lacking in the White House, Beyoncé's mom's house was just robbed! I get playing fast and loose with Joe Biden, but I draw the line at the woman whose womb produced Beyoncé. And Solange! According to TMZ, Tina Knowles was out when the robbery happened, so she's fine, but the bandits made off with her safe that had upwards of ONE MILLION DOLLARS in cash and jewelry! Crap, I wish they hadn't given me a value, because now my dumb brain has shifted from "protect the rich" back to its regular "eat the rich" mode. I hope—I'm sure—that whoever made out with the safe is distributing their findings among the needy.

Speaking of needy, Meta launched their Twitter-like app called Threads a few days ago, placating the social media addicts who simply must refresh, but felt gross doing so on Elon's bird app (👋). Threads is very innocent so far in its vibe, probably because as of now I'm just following people I already followed on Insta. It's much more "pretty lunch!" than "if I see the name Colleen Balinger one more time I will walk straight into the sea and I'm taking all of you with me, even my therapist, who I think wants to fuck me." Social media always evolves, and I'm excited to find out if the Insta crowd will make Threads nice, or if Threads will give the Insta crowd chronic depression. Time will tell.

Super Bad

Actor Jonah Hill is getting blasted 10 ways from Sunday after his former partner, surfer Sarah Brady, shared several texts the actor sent her during their relationship which suggest he was not a great boyfriend! He shamed her for sharing pictures of herself in a bathing suit (she's a surfer) and hanging out with other dudes (surfers), and he weaponized therapy-speak by saying that her choices were a violation of his boundaries. One text in particular became immediately iconic, in which Hill pooh-poohed "Surfing with men, boundaryless inappropriate friendships with men, to model, to post pictures of yourself in a bathing suit, to post sexual pictures, friendships with women who are in unstable places and from your wild recent past beyond getting a lunch or coffee or something respectful…" and me and every other cool person said "damn, that sounds like a pretty fun list"! I hope Sarah Brady is getting her groove back and going way beyond "something respectful" with friends from her wild past. She deserves it! 

It's always hard to find out that a celebrity we have cherished might be kind of a dick. Which is why it's comforting to receive news confirming that Mel Gibson is, in fact, a dick. Just like, let's keep some people in their normal lane, okay? Here he is hanging with Donald Trump and Roger Stone, no doubt saying very problematic things about who runs Hollywood!

Local News

Secretary of Transportation Pete Buttigieg visited Portland last week and hung out with some of our best elected leaders to celebrate proposed changes coming to 82nd Avenue. 

While Senator Merkley didn't say so specifically, I assume that the changes he envisions for 82nd include making it faster/safer for all of us to easily access the best pho places in the city. That's how you win over voters. 

In other cool local news: Archeologists with the University of Oregon (go Ducks) shared findings suggesting that humans lived in Oregon 18,000 years ago, making it the earliest known humantown in all of North America! They found this out by testing some camel teeth and they're like, sure enough: muy old! And I'm just like, hold the fucking phone. Hang on one damn second. Pause now. There used to be camels in Oregon? Can we talk about that for longer please?!?

Wow, can you believe that mere moments ago you didn't know that there used to be camels in Oregon? Dark times, right? Thanks for going through it with me, and I hope that, regardless of where this week takes you, you can dazzle your friends with that thing about the camel. See you very soon (I hope!)