Hello, angel baby Trash Pandas! 'Tis I, Elinor Jones, here with the freshest news and gossip in this here Trash Report. Usually this is the hottest month of the year but it's been unseasonably pleasant outside, meaning the dumpsters aren't quite as rank and steamy as one would expect. Don't worry: I've still found some treasures to share with you. Grab your gas mask and my hand.

From the Trumpster

Did that work? I didn't write "Trumpster" like I'm giving the former president a cool new nickname, but because it rhymes with dumpster, and he's trash? (Some might tell you that jokes don't work when they're explained; I disagree!) Anyway, as Trump's legal woes mount with the freshest charges against him, his defense seems to be "he was simply too dumb to understand that he was not the president." It's like when my dog sits on my lap when I'm driving and then she very possibly believes that she is the one who is driving. Like that, but it's an immensely powerful world leader instead of a 17-pound pug with one eye and horrible depth perception.

Trump's handling it great:

In another time, it would be damaging to call a foe a "sick & demented psycho" but in our current reality Trump supporters will eat it up and the Democratic National Committee will simply put it on a coffee cup with Nancy Pelosi's smirking face and educated white women will spend $25 on it. (It's me. I'm educated white women.) 

Meanwhile, Trump's former Vice President Mike Pence is saying the bare minimum to signal his break with Trump while not saying so much so that Trump's most rabid followers will carry through with their plan to hang him on the Capitol rotunda. The other day several Trump supporters gathered around Pence, calling him a sellout, to which Pence yelled back that they should read the Constitution. This is the most narc-ish, vanilla-ass clapback I have ever heard, and I'm sharing it not because Pence deserves a hero's arc, but because I grossly love how much I hate it. I'm worried this will get into some devious daydreams that I need all of you to advise me against.

Does Whoopi Goldberg Like to Have Sex in Pools?

Whoopi Goldberg does not like to have sex in pools. I know this, and now you do, too. 

Solidarity 5Ever

There shouldn't be that much entertainment news out there right now because Hollywood writers and actors are all on strike. And yet there is so much news! So back when writers last went on strike in 2007 is when studios pivoted to reality television as a means of creating content without all those pesky idea-havers on staff. It worked great and reality television is now part of the entertainment landscape. Cool. So with the writers on strike again, one could think the studios would try again? Twist: reality TV stars are organizing! A letter from Bravo stars was released last week alleging "grotesque and depraved mistreatment" which I absolutely believe because some of those shows are very grotesque and depraved! Are we expected to believe that humanity was on the table when Joe Millionaire was making out with that one girl and the editors wrote the subtitles of all the slurping sounds? Was there humanity in shows where aspiring models were forced to eat larvae and like, kiss leeches? There is dignity in all work and that includes people who are naked and afraid. 

Speaking of the redistribution of wealth, Taylor Swift just redistributed $55 million in tour profits to the workers who support her show, from dancers to caterers to roadies and more. Good for Taylor, and congrats to those workers. Now, do I feel like I am owed something for streaming "betty" at least 55 million times in the last three years? Perhaps. But I'm only 17; I don't know anything but I know a victory for one is a victory for all! (I'm 41; this is a spin on a lyric from the song "betty." Again, jokes work best when explained!)

Animal News

New research indicates that an Australian pygmy whale rumored to have gone extinct is in fact simply a homebody. The tiny lil whale doesn't like to leave its comfort zone, and its inactivity had led some to believe it had died. And like: same, bitch. 

In other gorgeous animal updates, apparently rats like to be tickled, and doing so is helping scientists to learn about play and joy in humans and other mammals. There are scientists with years of education and probably tens of thousands of dollars of student debt who now spend their days tickling rats. One of the scientists went so far as to say "rats really love to be tickled." Conducting experiments on animals is generally considered animal cruelty, but do we still consider it cruel if the animals in question are being forced into fits of giggles? 

Local Animal News

Welcome back, Newport sea lions! The gigantic sea dogs have fresh docks to lounge about on. I learned from reading about this that the sea lions who make the docks their lounge zone are all males. Probably just friends, right? Or roommates? WINK.

Happy Birthday to My Truest Love

Happy 20-year anniversary to The OC! Several years ago - well, almost 20 years ago apparently - fuck, I'm old - my friends and I would gather to watch The OC together. At this time, Myspace was also new and smart phones didn't even exist, so we'd pass around a single laptop to check out the latest Top 8s during commercials, but there was a very strict "no Myspace during The OC" rule, which came to be the thing we said whenever anybody was distracted by something when they should be focused on something else. Texting during dinner? No Myspace during The OC. Wandering away to look in a storefront window while everyone else is waiting for brunch? No Myspace during The OC. Trying to talk about The OC when somebody else is talking about something they saw on Myspace? This also oddly counts as no Myspace during The OC.

All this to say, I would never check Myspace during The OC for you, sweet trash pandas. See you next week.

Cohenly,