Hello, sweet Trash Pandas, and welcome to The Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, currently set to Cozy AF, where I intend to stay for the next six months. Not only was this the first official weekend of fall, but it also felt very fall-ish; I bought sweaters and baked cookies. Fall girlies can get a lot of shit, but I am far too pleasant a temperature to be bothered. Now let's have some literal tea (tea) while reading the metaphorical tea (gossip)!

Middle-Aged Woman Yells at Cloud Unmanned Crashing Jet

You know what makes me angry? I'm mad that the United States spends more on their military than any other country in the world. The Pentagon gets so much money that human brains literally couldn't comprehend it, so they had to use some of their billions of dollars to build an artificial intelligence system whose job it is to watch money get spent. And then they lose a $130 million jet. And then they have the nerve—the cajones, the chutzpah, the incredible audacity—to ask the public for help finding it? The very public that is probably overdue for a basic dental cleaning and other preventative healthcare, because the government that is supposed to serve us blew its allowance at the war machine store and THEN they ditched one of the jets we paid for to cruise over neighborhoods without a pilot and to crash wherever, just hopefully not on a pregnant person because that fetus is the only life anyone seems to give a shit about? That public? Us? You, the Pentagon, want help from us, who already pays you, for free? Lol. No. Find your own fucking jet.

They did find it, btw. Official cause of the crash is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 

In other news about jerks with too much money, evil 92-year-old billionaire Rupert Murdoch last week announced he was stepping down from his leadership role at Fox and News Corp. I learned while researching this blurb that Murdoch's first name is actually Keith, and isn't that so much gentler sounding than Rupert? You can't be mad at a Keith Murdoch. That he elected to go by Rupert really tells us all we need to know about the direction his soul was taking him. (Apologies to fellow Ruperts, Everett and Grint, who are angels.) 

Every Day is Labor Day

The writers' Unions (which would pave the way for actors' unions) were talking again over the weekend, giving some of us hope that a deal may be reached and some of our precious celebrities can return to the red carpets and promotional interviews that sustain the more vapid among us (hi!), and great news: they reached a tentative agreement! Just in time, too, as we are entering Elite Film Season, which we have to power through so we can have strong opinions during the following (best) season: Awards. Now is festival time, when many of those movies will premiere. Apparently top Chris Pine released his directorial debut Poolman at TIFF, and it doesn't sound great, BUT he was papped doing yoga on a boat in short shorts in Italy and those photos are worth more than a hundred Oscars. (Do yourself the solid of clicking through on that link, okay?)

In other Union news, 75,000 Kaiser healthcare workers are likely to go on strike next week. Good thing you couldn't get an appointment to see a provider anyway!

Celebrity Smooches

Millie Bobby Brown said that her future father-in-law Jon Bon Jovi will not perform at her upcoming wedding. What the hell?! That is not fair at all! The disappointment! Her fiance whispering into her ear "don't worry, I'll make sure my dad stays off the mic" and Millie nods and blinks away tears and says "thanks babe" as she carefully moves her purse to cover up the set list recommendations she'd been painstakingly curating throughout the two years of their relationship. What the hell is the point of becoming a Mrs. Jovi if not to have a lit metal wedding reception? I'm sharing this story in case any of my readers find themselves in a serious relationship with one of Mariah Carey's kids: figure out from the beginning their stance on having Mariah perform at the wedding. If it's a no, you gotta go.

And because she is always news, I gotta say that Taylor Swift is rumored to be dating a NFL guy Travis Kelce. This is when I will take a break from caring about her love life. Let me know when she's smoking weed with dirtbags again or celebrating her friends getting divorced. I like her when she's messy.

Classic Cookin'

The next season of The Great British Bake-Off is coming out soon, and the show will be returning to its classic formula of cooking things that normal people eat. This is a carbohydrate-rich relief to my heart, which still carries the scars of last season's travesty of a Mexican week. The GBBO news comes hot on the tails of my mom telling me that every episode of Chopped is on Max now. There are 55 seasons of that show. I am going to get so good at judging chefs for their mistakes this winter (don't underproof your bread, and don't you fucking dare attempt to make risotto in 30 minutes!) 

Unrelated, but I had to put it somewhere: a small dog escaped its kennel and was lost at the Atlanta airport for three weeks. Thankfully, Maia the pooch was found unharmed. I didn't love Tom Hanks's The Terminal but I would live for this sequel. Call it The Terminal 2: Electric Woofaloo. Or something else. Help me workshop this.

Local News

Outside Magazine just released a list of the happiest places to live in the United States, and I was proud to see that my hometown of Hood River made the list. I guess the residue of my teenage angst has finally worn off. Because it wasn't happy in the late '90s, I can guarantee you that!

That's all for now, lovers. I know it's rainy out there, so please remember that nobody cares if you use an umbrella or not; don't get wet to prove a point.