Hi, everyone! Another week, another crop of garbage to comb through in this here Trash Report. I'm Elinor Jones, making things awkward since... gosh, for a long time now! I'm what we'll politely call "seasoned." If you wonder why I'm not a better writer by now, believe me, that makes many of us! But I'll do my best, so let's get to it, okay?

The Global Horrors

The growing humanitarian crisis in Gaza is so awful and sad. This is supposed to be a fun space, but I'm really forcing it right now; I've definitely spent more time refreshing news of war crimes than I have fashion crimes (sorry) and is it messing with my brain? Probably! But am I going to stop? Definitely not! We can't turn away. At the very least, I am careful about where I am mainlining the news from, as social media is flooded with misinformation. I mean, just look at this:


Oh My God, It's Almost Another Presidential Election Year, I Am Not Ready

I used to love election years, but 2016 messed that up for me. Donald Trump ruined America's global reputation, a cohesive national response to a pandemic, the legitimacy of the Supreme Court, and me getting all giddy about political gossip. But there are a few tasty bits among the remains, and Republicans getting their balls stomped on is definitely the yummiest. Former Vice President Mike Pence just suspended his floundering presidential campaign, which was the most headlines his campaign had generated this whole time. I literally forgot he was even running. It's too bad; Mike Pence had the energy of a teacher that is mercilessly bullied by their students, but the administration doesn't do much to address it because they also hate him and think it's funny, and I could have used a little more time with that.

Still clinging to their campaigns are Nikki Haley, Tim Scott, Ron DeSantis, and former New Jersey Governor and former Trump bestie Chris Christie, who recently made the wild claim that part of his debate prep involves listening to Usher. Yeah, sure buddy. And the George Washington bridge was definitely temporarily shut down for a pre-planned traffic study. 

In other Republican d-bag news, House Reps finally settled on a new Speaker to replace Kevin McCarthy, and it's some guy named Mike Johnson who nobody had heard of before and who seems to have been grown in a lab of bad ideas. He is anti-choice, anti-gay, anti-drug, and probably also anti-puppy, anti-cookie, anti-fun, anti-me, and anti-you. I will be keeping an eye on him... not just because he's weirdly cute and I bet I could fix him?

See, look at his little face (and none of the words around him). Don't worry, your girl is on the case. ;)

Spooky Celebrities

Halloween is this week, which means we will soon be gifted with a bunch of pictures of celebrities going to Halloween parties and we'll be reminded that money can't buy class, even if it can buy really cool worm outfits. Instagram gossip goddess DeuxMoi kicked off the star-judging with a user submission so vile, so cruel, so shameless in its disregard for the joy of children, that I obviously had to share it as well: A reader submitted that on Halloween, country mega-star Garth Brooks used to give treat or treaters pencils. PENCILS!!!!!! Like, is he worried about oral hygiene? Childhood obesity? Does he just hate his neighbors' kids? Pencils don't even do anything right when you get them; you have to sharpen them. So unless he also gave out small pencil sharpeners, all he did was give kids another fucking task. A box of raisins and a toothbrush would have been better than a pencil. I'd always kinda like Garth Brooks because of how much he hates Spotify, but this pencil thing put him solidly on the list of Problematic Faves. 

In other Halloween news, beloved homosexual Kristin Stewart said that she once saw a ghost of an old woman "in colonial garb." Stewart is promoting a show about queer people searching for ghosts, so claiming to believe in ghosts is surely a requirement of the promotional obligations, so like, whatever. But why always with the old-timey clothes? Colonial ghosts are frankly passé and I'd have thought Stewart would have been haunted by a cooler other-wordly being. If I were to invent a ghost story it would be dressed like David Bowie. Or even just like, a chainsmoking '80s mom with a perm and a shitty attitude. Tired: Victorian ghosts. Inspired: ghosts who look like Grace Jones and like to party. 

Celebrity Relationships Update

Speaking of addictive celebrity pairings, I'm sorry, but the relationship between Zooey Deschanel and Property Brother Jonathan Scott tickles me to no end. They're everywhere, so I'm moments away from being sick of it, but that is future Elinor's problem; for now it's delightful. It might be the compounded dorkiness? Scott recently went on a podcast where he said that his first wife refused to have bagpipes at their wedding, and he loves that Zooey was down for the idea. Which got me to wondering: Did he fall in love with Zooey Deschanel, and then years into their relationship, when they decided to get married, that's when he broached the matter of wedding bagpipes, only to happily learn that she was on board? Or was he always pining for a wedding bagpipe girlie and when he met Zooey, he was like, "bingo." They don't let me do celebrity profiles, but if I ever run into them at a combination Lowe's/cupcake store, I will definitely ask!

Want to feel old? Frances Bean Cobain recently tied the knot with Riley Hawk, who is Tony Hawk's son. And lest you think they are some wild and crazy 18-year-olds who are getting married to get away from their parents, they are in fact both in their 30s. (30 and 31, but still.) Their wedding was officiated by none other than Cobain's godfather, R.E.M's Michael Stipe. Who had this on their 1997 Bingo card? Probably a lot of us, to be honest.   

Local Trash

Thousands marched in Portland over the weekend, both for Portland Public School teachers and their impending strike, as well as to demand our elected leaders call for a ceasefire in Gaza. 

We are a multi-compassionate people. Solidarity with all you cuties; we simply must have some good news soon. Nobody deserves all of this. 

But you know what you do deserve? To listen to Michelle Williams impersonating Britney Spears impersonating Justin Timberlake impersonating (poorly) a Black person, from the audiobook of Spears's new memoir:

On that note, I'll talk to you all next week. Be safe, be cool, and be really, really nice.

Mad about pencils,