Hello, and welcome to another The Trash Report! I'm Elinor Jones, here to distract you from the horrors of the world with some news that's less "aaaaaagggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," and more "ha ha." That's the goal, anyway. Did I succeed? Read on! (But if the answer is no, keep it to yourself.)

Whose Schools? Our Schools! ...Eventually, We Hope

I am writing this blurb on Sunday evening, having just received the email from PPS confirming that school is canceled again tomorrow, which is today for you if you are reading this on Monday. I'm not surprised, but I'm pretty bummed! I'm sure teachers would rather be in schools instead of walking in circles in front of them. We got an email earlier today from Superintendent (and recipient of a $330k annual salary) Guadalupe Guerrero outlining the latest proposal from the district which obviously was not enough to win the Union over, since they're still on strike. Hey, a question: If somebody is dying, and they need a heart transplant to live, will giving that person half a heart and a firm handshake suffice? Just asking. 

OPB reported on how the strike is impacting students: "It sucks," said ineloquent parent Elinor Jones, who is in fact this very same Elinor Jones you are reading right now. Believe me when I tell you that this was one of the smarter things I said during my interview; I'm pretty sure the rest of my comments were more like grunts than cohesive thoughts. Two weeks of trying to piecemeal childcare has got me all sorts of stupid. And I'm the one who's supposed to be educating my child right now? Oof. 

When We Fight, We Win Celebrity Content

The SAG-AFTRA strike is over! This means that months of pent-up promotional activities are about to go off and hopefully celebrities are truly just like us, and they'll get dumb when they're tired, and say and do some fun stuff.

But not this dumb: Celebitchy reported that some random tabloid in Australia is claiming that Reese Witherspoon and Kevin Costner are dating. What? No. Many white people have white partners, and that's okay, but Reese Witherspoon and Kevin Costner are some of the whitest of the white. I don't mean white like in their skin tone, but white like in their essence. It's like how Mike Myers is the most Canadian Canadian and Celine Dion is the most French Canadian French Canadian. Witherspoon and Costner are the most culturally white white people, so them being together seems racist somehow. Which they're probably not. So we're good. (I reserve to completely backtrack this statement if the rumor is true and they're weirdly charming.)

According to Deuxmoi, a real new celebrity couple is Gigi Hadid and Bradley Cooper. This one I like. I like it because a few months back, Gigi was rumored to be dating Leonardo DiCaprio, and everyone was so scandalized that he would date her because he only dates women under 25 and she is 28. But, Cooper is younger than DiCaprio (48 vs. 49) and I bet Leo is so mad about that, which makes it funny!

The Middle-Aged White Guy Content We Live For

Patrick Dempsey was crowned People Magazine's 2023 Sexiest Man Alive, probably because that magazine is staffed with a bunch of sad, horny millennials who haven't been happy since McDreamy left Grey's Anatomy. As one of them, I say: this choice is good, no notes. More like Bey's Anatomy, am I right? (I actually haven't watched Grey's since 2006, but I will always stand with my sad, horny brethren.)

The late Matthew Perry was reportedly planning to ask Zac Efron to star in a movie about the Friends actor's life. Having recently watched High School Musicals 1 and 2 (High Schools Musical???) and been relentlessly charmed by Efron, who simply had no business trying so hard in those movies, I would have loved this and hope it's not too late. I mean (sorry in advance), could that movie be any more delightfully cast? 

Political Trash

Republican Senator Tim Scott has suspended his presidential campaign, citing the need to spend more time with his girlfriend... [refers back to his cue cards]..."human woman Mindy Noce." He'd only debuted this secret girlfriend a few days ago and I almost feel sorry for her that her moment in the spotlight didn't last longer. She was probably only weeks away from dumping him and then getting her own show on Bravo. 

Animal News

A circus lion named Kimba recently escaped his enclosure near Rome and was eat, pray, meowing all over the place for several hours before being caught and returned. Kimba was reportedly very disappointed by his visit to the Coliseum, where his big cat ancestors used to fight humans for sport. He wrote on TripAdvisor: "I only got to eat three people there. Zero stars." 

Closer to home, a pack of wild javelinas has been tearing up Arizona golf courses for months, infuriating club owners who water grass to keep it clean in a literal desert. Javelinas evolved to thrive in desert ecosystems, so I bet when they saw all that green shit on their hard clay, they thought they were helping by getting it out of there. In support of this blurb, I quickly researched the status of Arizona's drought, and learned that the drought has indeed become so severe that state leaders have moved to put a stop to groundwater pumping by... Saudi Arabia?????????? Was not expecting that! Like, javelinas might not be the cutest mascots for water conservancy, but we will root for their cause in a philosophical battle with Saudi Arabia

And locally, studies are showing that the pika—a little fella that looks like a big mouse—is rebounding healthily in the Gorge despite recent fires in the area. Their numbers have risen quite dramatically, in fact. Are there too many? How many is too many? I, for one, welcome our new pika overlords. 

Sure, this was a lot of words to say very little, but we have a good time, don't we? I hope that every last one of you is getting the wages and working conditions that you deserve, and if you're not, I hope you can feel the power with which the rest of us are blasting vibes and goodwill and hope your way.