Hello, Trash Pandas! I'm Elinor Jones, and this is...THE TRASH REPORT. Did anything cool happen to you last week? Please do not hesitate to let me know! Until I can report on your newsworthy events or victories, I'll have to write about the broader dumpster fire that is contemporary American life. I promise, I won't make it sad. In fact, I'll try to make it funny! (Please note that I said try. There are no guarantees. This is a free website! Be realistic!)

Baby It's Cool In Your Spotify

The beginning of December marks the annual sharing of everyone's Spotify Wrapped. Mine revealed that I am somewhat a basic bitch (no surprise there), but also that my musical soulmate might reside in Burlington, Vermont?! This was also true for a lot of people, apparently. Is Burlington, Vermont a settled middle-aged woman with the emotional inner story of a teenaged nightmare? I have a hard time believing that. The few times I tried dating someone from the East Coast I found it hard to tell when they were being polite or politely devastating; my vibe is far more obvious. Also their syntax was always kinda off. Just because someone surrounded by flawless foliage listens to a lot of Taylor Swfit and Boygenius and Sza does not mean we'd vibe otherwise.Β 

In other musical news and December news, did you know that Brenda Lee, the singer of "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," recorded the banger when she was only 13 years old? I didn't! The New York Times recently profiled her as she attempts to usurp Mariah Carey for the biggest bop of the season. The Times can be a mess but I'll give them credit for handling at least this uprising diplomatically, referring to Lee as ~a~ Queen of Christmas rather than ~the~ Queen of Christmas, which is a title presumably reserved for Mariah. Somebody's publicist is good at their job!

Worldwide Trash

The ongoing crisis in Palestine is nearly impossible to wrap my head around; it's so gruesome and sad and I can't believe it's just over there, happening, while I'm sitting here in Oregon, pointlessly refreshing my feeds, unable to do anything else. Feeling helpless is normal, and I've found that one of the best ways to deal with it is directing your rage at a celebrity. This is where former ER nurse Julianna Margulies comes in: she recently went on a totally unhinged and cruel Islamophobic rant as a podcast guest that was so deranged that I am bringing it up here despite her being otherwise basically culturally irrelevant, because at least it will give you a good place to direct some ire, and getting mad at her is as good a use of energy as anything else you might get up to this week. Sometimes celebrity obsession is an unfortunate distraction; other times it's just about the only thing keep the fucking wheels on. You're welcome.

This headline really threw me: "Paris Knife Attack Leaves One Dead and Others Injured." I'm too used to reading garbage-y gossip sites for it even to occur to me that Paris is a major world city and not simply early-aughts celebutante Paris Hilton. I was like, shit, Stop Being Poor killed someone? Or did someone attack her? Who died?? Alas, this was about Paris the city, in which a random act of violence occurred that made international headlines because the perpetrator aligned with the plight of Muslims, and villainizing Muslims is once again in vogue. This also feels very early-aughts. I'm so sick of this throwback culture. Really derivative and unoriginal.

Merry Christmas, Little Fella

Macaulay Culkin recently received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame. It's pretty much only when these ceremonies are publicized that I think about the Hollywood Walk of Fame and wonder who does and does not have a star and begin to care. Culkin has been a star for decades! This thing I just learned about is an outrage! But I'm glad it's happened at last, and I'm glad that his Home Alone mom Catherine O'Hara was there to celebrate with him. If you haven't watched Home Alone in a while, I highly recommend that you do so. Culkin and O'Hara are marvels. Also, it's super wild to watch someone navigate '90s-era air travel. Like, the mom straight up wandered up to a gate and then tried to fleece some randos out of their seats with jewelry! Can you imagine?! Watching this with my own kid, she was like "why don't the parents just text him?" and the mere thought of having to explain how different life was before cell phones was so unsurmountable that I had to pretend to fall asleep for a minute to avoid answering her. But hey, at least I've never forgotten her at home when I've gone on vacation.Β 

Politics, Schmolitics

Founding member of *NSYNCΒ and New York Representative George Santos was expelled from Congress last week for his copious lies and stealing from his campaign to pay for fancy clothes and OnlyFans. It's good that he has gotten the boot, but I will truly miss him. I can't wait to see what he does next. This may include an interview with Ziwe and an HBO movie about his life, and hang on, the hero worship of entertaining lunatics is how we got Trump and I just realized that this fucking lunatic is going to be president in nine years, isn't he? Am I part of the problem?!

She's So Moving On (Yeah-ah-ahhhhh)

Kelly Clarkson's ex-husband has been ordered to pay back $2.6 million in "manager fees" for being a shitty manager. How can someone fuck up managing one of the most charismatic and beloved pop stars of the past 20 years? It's barely even a job. The international goodwill Kelly carries for having given us "Since You've Been Gone" is so undeniable that a manager of that caliber of star purely exists to receive emails and have business cards. Nobody manages Kelly Clarkson! Some people are graced with proximity to her, and that's it. So yeah, get your money back, Kelly. Remember: you can breathe for the first time; you owe him nothing.

Local Trash

It's going to be a soggy week. Consider pulling some leaves out of your neighborhood storm drains!Β 

That's all for today, lovers. I hope that somebody gives you a juicy kiss or deserved compliment at a time when you're ready to receive it. Thanks for spending time with me. It's almost embarrassing how much I love you.