What's happening, hot stuffs? Welcome to The Trash Report: President's Day Edition! Today we'll be asking the hottest question: WWGWD? Yes, Trash Pandas, that's What Would George Washington do? Warning: the Founding Fathers were problematic to say the least, so he will be a bad judge. Today is one of those holidays that some employers honor and some have never heard of; if you have to work today, simply let your boss know that they'll have to answer to George Washington... in hell. Portland Public School students were supposed to have the day off, but the holiday was revoked to punish teachers for striking in the fall make up for classroom hours lost during the strike. The vibes are a mess and that will not stop us from perusing them.

President Shoes

Disgraced former President Donald Trump last week spoke at a rally in Philadelphia where he used some of his time on stage to hawk $400 Trump-branded sneakers. To be fair, the sneakers are kind of cute; if they were meant to be ironic, and like, for $18, I'd consider buying them. But FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? With that amount of money I could buy these insane bejeweled Balmain pumps and still have enough leftover to buy several corndogs, or whatever stick meat they sell at Trump rallies. Besides, the only political blowhards I will let sell me branded sneakers are the dudes who run the Crooked Media leftist podcast empire. Which gives me a great idea: Has anyone considered simply giving Trump a podcast? Let him run his mouth two or three times a week, the people who want to hear him can, and the rest of us can go about our lives. He can even call himself The Podcast President. Or President Podcast*? Either way, it'll give him a sense of stardom without destroying our democratic institutions. 

*It is actually very easy to select a title for yourself with nothing to back it up! When I fly Alaska they call me Dr. Jones because they put a space for an honorific on the form and I thought it would be nice to fly as a doctor, so I checked a box and viola! Dr. Jones. Thankfully I've never been on a flight with any medical emergencies. I might actually want to think this through.

In other federal government news, but this time about people who have actually won elections: Senators Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders, and our main Oregon man Jeff Merkley, among others, authored an op-ed in the Washington Post last week outlining how the United States should—and can—immediately mobilize "Operation Gaza Relief" to get help to displaced, starving Gazans who are now on their fourth month of being mercilessly bombed by Israel (using American-made weapons that you paid for). I don't know if it will do anything, but if nothing else, it's nice to know that some extremely powerful people are screaming into the void with the rest of us. 

The Gay Queen

The Alphabet Mafia had their shit rocked last week when vampire-wife-turned-queer-icon Kristen Stewart's Rolling Stone cover dropped, and the accompanying photos surely nudged many people's rankings on the Kinsey scale:

I love K. Stew's style and attitude and fearlessness, and while I do not want to speak for my gay friends, but I think it could be gayer? Like, this is good, and all the worst people are mad, but keep going! There are gayer pastures! 

In other androgynous style news, Zendaya made all the spice flow at the Dune 2 London premiere where she wore the Mugler robot suit. Beyonce is the only other contemporary to land a piece from that collection, which only underscores Zendaya's place as a fashion powerhouse. All these eyes on her, and she still only has eyes for Tom Holland, the petite Spiderman of Umbrella dance fame. This is your reminder that icons and tastemakers like cute non-toxic boys who dance and sing. 

And speaking of movie sequels, why did no one tell me that a sequel to Twister is finally coming out, nearly three decades after Helen Hunt was momentarily the most famous woman in America, and it is called Twisters? I was literally just talking about Twister! What's cool about this is that they're doing my favorite sequel thing of simply pluralizing the title of the original movie, à la Aliens. Is adding an "s" to the title of a cultural touchstone the magic trick to establishing a successful universe? Who cares? Honestly, they could have named this movie Twister 2: 2 Twisty and I'd be lining up to see it on day one. 

Trash Moves

I tend to enjoy Hot Ones as much as the next pop culture-informed person, but I'd never given much thought to host Sean Evans besides a solid amount of respect for how well-researched his questions always are. It never occurred to me that he might be a douchebag, but it seems like he just might be! Apparently he'd been in a relationship with porn star Melissa Stratton, but he broke up with her last week after photos of the two of them at the Super Bowl together went public. TMZ said Evans couldn't hang with the media scrutiny. Dude. You are famous for eating spicy wings with celebrities. You get a porn star girlfriend, you lock it down and make that shit known

In other "oh that's the move you want to make? wow okay" news, Kelly Rowland recently walked off The Today Show set, where she was supposed to be co-hosting an hour with Hoda Kotb, because her dressing room would not suffice. Rita Ora stepped in at the last minute to co-host. I can imagine it would be frustrating to not have appropriate space to get ready for a high-profile television show appearance, but 1) Kelly Rowland couldn't look ugly if she tried, and 2) it's the 10 am hour of The Today Show, not The Met Gala! Wear your pajamas! No one cares! 

Cheese Crisis

There is a shortage of elite French cheeses, and I'm letting you know that because I'm your friend and I want you to make the right decisions for yourself and your family the next time you feel rich at New Seasons. "How do you know so much about cheese, Elinor?" It's because I'm part mouse, okay? Just don't look in my fridge and ask any questions. 

Local Trash

I am one of many Portland public school parents who last week received an email from outgoing superintendent Guadalupe Guerrero announcing $30 million in cuts for next year. This is really fucking depressing as we enter tax season and the State of Oregon is giving $5.6 billion it has already collected in taxes back to taxpayers in the form of our idiotic kicker refund. A billion is such a large number, it's kind of hard to wrap our heads around how much money it is, so I did the math: 5.6 billion dollars is enough to fix this budget shortfall for the next 187 years. And since it's highly unlikely we'll have a habitable planet for that long, they could double or triple the funding for a while and Oregon's children and teachers could go to school like fucking kings while the rest of the world falls apart. Alas, we will not have this. No one is rearranging the deck chairs on our Titanic; we are setting the deck chairs on fire and sinking, thank you very much! 

Oh wow, so sad! Hopefully the upcoming spring and its longer days will relieve all of us of some of this darkness. I appreciate you for spending this time with me. I hope you have an amazing week. Believe me when I tell you that to me, you are Zendaya in vintage Mugler.