Hellooooo, Trash Pandas, and welcome back to the Trash Report. I've missed you terribly! I didn't write my column last week because I was on a Spring Break trip with my family. Today my heart is with the teachers who are dealing with kids who 1) haven't been in school in nine days; 2) might be experiencing a sugar hangover from yesterday's jelly bean-heavy holiday, and 3) it's April Fool's Day. If you know or love a teacher, consider buying them a beer. So anyway, I've lost all sense of time and I probably missed some big stories from taking a week off and I have no idea when things happened. Apologies if this isn't all new news, but do keep in mind that reading this costs you nothing and there are other things you could be doing. So on to the gossip!

Political Trash

Disgraced former New York City mayor and current grandfather you avoid on holidays, Rudy Giuliani, is still up to his melting hair in legal woes. He is millions in debt for his 2020 election lies and might even have his Florida condo repossessed. And like, nobody who retires to Florida envisions leaving the condo to their heirs, but having it end up with the Feds is pretty much a worst-case scenario. Rudy was quoted as saying he feels like he's trapped in a "nightmare world" and "can't believe it's real" which, coincidentally, is how I felt on November 9, 2016. It is funny, though. For us. Click through for pictures of Rudy giving face that very clearly says "Not only am I embroiled in legal and financial troubles, but I started losing hair before wigs got good or hair transplants were realistic and I lost the window to not end up bald, and my life sucks ass." 

If you click through, you might also see some soft white men wearing the cursed red baseball cap. Seeing elderly millionaires in red sports hats at a political event is like seeing them golf. Like, you don't look young. You just look like you're trying to flex about not having to be sitting down.

 Beyoncé Can You See?

The world has gone country, and by that I mean we have all been listening to Beyoncé's latest album Cowboy Carter all weekend. Not surprisingly, I'm a fan! The only bad thing I can say about it is there are so many songs I haven't been able to make knowing the lyrics part of my personality yet. But I can say this: my favorite song out the gate was "YA YA" although "SPAGHETTII" is closing in. And "JOLENE," obviously. And "AMERICAN REQUIEM." Is it basic to love a first song so much? It shouldn't be. But back to "YA YA"—does anyone else think it came too late in the album? It has very Track 2 vibes. I feel like it should have gone "American Requiem," "Ya Ya," then "Blackbird," and then the rest. But I'm sure there was a reason behind the song order and you can be sure I will not rest until I've read every think piece about it. Several years ago I found a pair of those magical thrift store cowboy boots that somehow both fit perfectly and are extremely cool, and I always knew there was a reason to hang on to them. I am excited to plan an outfit to where to her next concert that probably won't come anywhere near Portland anyway. A girl can dream. That's country. 

Network Trash

Actor and former cocaine dealer Tim Allen has apparently been all about town telling people that a Home Improvement reboot is in the works. His co-star Patricia Richardson—who played his wife Jill— went on a podcast to most emphatically say "bitch, WHAT?" She has not been approached. She has no interest. She's still friends with Jonathan Taylor Thomas (be still my 6th-grade heart!) and he doesn't know about it either. And of the other actors who played their sons, she said "Taran isn't an actor anymore" and "Zach is now a felon." Hey, remember when the sex abuse and rape allegations against Bill Cosby were finally hitting a boiling point and his former TV wife Phylicia Rashad came to his defense? I like knowing that, if shit were to ever really hit the fan with Tim Allen, Patricia Richardson would never. Seems like a cool lady.

In other embarrassing has-been news, I know that the "photo" has been taken down, and I know it's highly unlikely that it was Johnny Depp's actual fingers doing the posting, but I cannot get over Depp's social media team sharing a clearly photoshopped image of him with Oscar winner Robert Downey Jr. It's somehow even more cringe that the original photo was with Sarah Jessica Parker. Like, get photoshopped over a random fan, or one of those foreign billionaires who are always having parties that celebrities go to, and then maybe we don't care. But SJP? She's beloved! How dare you! The gaff is peak loser behavior, and even though Depp probably isn't directly responsible, he still stinks of peak loser.

Hollyweird Trash

Kumail Nanjiani recently went on The View to promote his new Ghostbusters movie, and the conversation turned to aliens, as things do, when Whoopi Goldberg stonefaced came out and said that aliens were real, they have been here for some time, and they were watching us. And I buy it. Not just that aliens exist—I thought so already anyway—but I buy that aliens exist and that Whoopi Goldberg specifically has information on it that we don't have. You don't go through life with a name like Whoopi to haphazardly decide what to take seriously. It's clear she knows something.

Speaking of alien life forms, Tom Cruise recently had to break up with his Russian socialite girlfriend because her mouthy ex-husband wouldn't shut up. DAMN. New kind of ex just dropped. There are lousy exes, and then there are exes so lousy that they cost you YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH TOM FUCKING CRUISE. Could you imagine? Somebody call Pete Davidson; this girl needs a rebound, and fast.

Local Trash

Have you people heard of Soho House? If you missed the news, it's like a members-only club for scenesters and power brokers and other creative types, and they've just opened a Portland location. However, my friends are the funniest and most interesting people in this city and none of them have been asked to join, so good luck with your boring members, Soho House. I follow them on Instagram where so far they have shared nice pictures of well-designed indoor seating. It's hard to be mad at that, but to be clear: I am. Creativity is collaborative and doesn't require membership, but enjoy your attractive bar stools, I'm sure they're very comfortable. (You'll note I've only very mildly shaded this place because if I get asked to join, I absolutely will. Same with how flying first class is bougie and classist unless I have enough miles for an upgrade, in which case it's harmless, even vital.)

That's all for this week, sweet angel Trash Pandas. Yesterday at Easter my 81-year-old aunt told me she reads this column and described it as "funny" and "you need to watch your mouth!" This week's column is dedicated to her with the heaviest of clarifications that I will never, ever, watch my mouth. 🧡

April Foolishly,